I Am Not...

I am not a statistic so don't lump me into one.
I am not a number so don't treat me like I am.
I am not contagious so stop acting like it.
I understand that you don't know what to do with me,
But dont turn this into something it's not.
Don't pin a number on my shirt and lock me in a room with "the rest of them".
Don't put me in a category.
I am a person.
I'm sorry you don't see this for what it really is.
It's not my fault you cant see beneath the scars.
When you want to understand let me know.
I'll be happy to educate you.
Other than that just leave me alone.

What's Your Story?

As a kid I would always hear these incredible stories. I would go to believe and hear stories from men who had fallen away from Christ and did "bad" things. As I got older the stories got more intense and more detailed. I heard stories of just crazy things and people who were never Christians in the first place or people who fell away. In the human eye it didn't look like they would ever come back. I heard stories of how God captured the hearts of His lost children and how they were now doing amazing things to further His kingdom. These people that would speak were now amazing Christians and I had a desire to have a faith like theirs. I used to think to myself how can I impact people for Christ without a story? How will I get their attention without walking up there and starting out with, "In high school I was a heavy drinker", "I was addicted to porn", "I'm a crack baby", "I was an atheist for 25 years", "I had never heard about Jesus until I flipped on the TV and some guy was talking about Him". I could go on but you get the picture. I just wasn't sure how God was going to use me without this awesome testimony. I was raised in the church. Parents are Christians and still together. Brothers and sister are all still alive and they are Christians as well. Never really fell away. Pretty involved in church. Sing in the youth band and elected student leader twice. The way I saw it my story sucked because I sounded like a goody goody. Little did I know being a "goody goody" was a HUGE part of my storey. This girl who was a leader in her youth group and had a decent life fell away and she fell fast. She started hanging out with the wrong friends and got involved in some things that she shouldn't have and at the same time kept her christian family thinking all was well. Her relationship with God died and the bible was shoved under the bed. Prayer life, what prayer life? That disappeared. She found her self looking for an escape so she turned to self injury and stopped eating. She was sick of not having control over anything in her life so she took control. She has now been battling self injury for a year and over time God has broken her stony heart. He has placed people in her life who have held her accountable and encouraged her. People who loved her and have shown her Christ love. God has began to capture her heart again and her broken life is being put back together. This girl grew up thinking she couldn't be used and now she has a story she cant wait to share. It is a story of pain, a story of brokenness, a story of running, a story of healing, a story of hope, a story of love, it is a story of an old life made new. She will never be the same. Her story is beautiful and she loves it.

Hurting Generation

Lately the Lord has really just laid on my heart this generation and even the next generation and the generations to come. The pain and the hurt that we have to deal with and the fact that we dont know how to deal with it. I think the thing that concerns me the most is how big self injury is and how people and adults just dont see it or chose not to I haven't quite figure out which it is yet. But it doesn't matter if they dont see it or dont want to see it because the reality is that it's there and it's real and it is happening in our schools and our churches in our neighborhoods in our families. Our generation is known as the fatherless generation. We dont have people we can turn to with our problems and our pain so some have turned to alcohol, drugs, sex, self injury and so many other things. The thing is that people don't see SI and even if they see it they know nothing abut it. And maybe you dont think that SI is a huge thing but I can tell you right now it is bigger than you think it is. It affects so many teens in this generation and if we don not get a clue and do something about it then things will only get worse in the generations to come. People need to wake up and realize that self injury is a big deal and it is something that they need to be aware of if they want to help the younger generation. People need to understand that self injury is not just cutting or burning but it is an addiction and you can not "just stop" as i have been told to do oh so many times. I think the thing that gets me the most is the church. I have never been so hurt or felt so alone in my life. The church needs to wake up and realize that people hurt and they deal with it in different ways. And when someone chooses to deal with pain in an unhealthy way (cutting, drinking, drugs ect...) that person needs love and support on rejection. That person needs to be embraced by the body of Christ not pushed away. That person needs to know that the church will help them in the healing process not tell them to "just stop". Just st oping is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard and it is not possible. It is not possible to just stop an addiction hence why AA and NA exist because people need help and support. Telling someone to "just stop" makes them question what is wrong with them when they learn that they cant just stop. People need love and support and that is something that that my generation is yearning for. So with or without your help I will get better and I will be that person who supports and loves when the church or your family or friends wont. I will be the body of Christ in action. I know there are people who get it and I am so grateful for those people, the people who have dedicated their lives to this generation and those to come. But we still have a long way to go and one day I hope we get there.

No clue what i'm feeling

I'm feeling something or maybe it's nothing. Maybe I'm not feeling anything. I don't really know what to feel. I cant decide on an emotion so I am just emotionless. I know I'm feeling a little hurt, and lost, betrayed, forgotten, helpless, ignored, belittled, inferior, alone, looked down upon, judged, sad, angry, and there is more but I think you get the point. I am feeling all of these things but I cant figure out what the over all emotion is, what I am feeling over all. I just feel numb. I want to brake down and cry but I cant, I want to talk to someone but I cant open up. How can I talk to someone when I don't even know whats wrong? I wouldn't know where to begin and there is so much on my mind that I don't think it would ever end.

Pretender

So this morning I realized something...I'm a pretender. I put on my happy face, use my happy voice, smile and pretend like I'm fine. And when people sincerely ask me how I'm doing I cant give them a sincere answer. I just tell them I'm fine and smile. I think I say I'm fine so much that I have begun to believe it. I'm not sure why I tell people I'm fine when I'm not, it doesn't really make sense hu? Yea, I didn't think so. I guess I just assume that people don't really want to know how I am they just ask me that to be polite. I make a lot of assumptions...I probably shouldn't do that so much. I guess I need to work on being more honest, I need to be real and stop pretending because pretending to be honest isn't doing me any good.

nothingness

Oh man i haven't blogged in a while. Been kindu busy lately well not really just work other than that I haven't done much except sleep. I feel like work is taking over my life...it's not ok. I'm going to church at discovery this morning. The service is at 12:30 so I got to sleep...it was good. I forgot my blow dryer so I my hair is still wet from my shower and I need to leave at like 11:45ish...so yea not ok. No wait its not just wet its wet and curly...I need it to dry so i can straiten it. Also I cut myself shaving it's just like a little nick but it hurts :(. I cant fig out how to work the TV here either...can you say not cool?? ok well I'm guna go stand by the fan and see if it will help m hair dry if my hair dont dry i aint going to church and i want to do but i aint goin looking homeless so lets hope this fan can dry my hair fast enough that i still have time to straiten it and peace out for church.

1 Corinthians 3:16-17
Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple.

Lets Go Lakers!!!

Sorry Everyone

Sorry everyone who has been trying to comment my blog. I have gotten a few e-mails saying that people cant comment. I dont know whats up I think my blog has a mind of its own...the problem should be fixed now.

Sarah

I Need To Talk

I need to talk, I need to talk so much more than I do right now. I need to be honest with people. I just want someone to know the truth. I want them to know what has happened in my life and dont want to have to continue to hid it. So much pain is beginning to surface. God is cleaning house. He is bring back thoughts and memories that I have tried so hard to shove to the back of my mind. Things that no one knows about, things that I have kept secret for years things that I convinced myself never happened. I need to talk but talking is just so hard, I don't know if I can.

I Hate Summer

I hate summer. I want to go swimming but I cant. I want to wear shorts but I cant. I want to wear tank tops but cant. I want to go to the beach but I cant. All the stuff that you get to do in the summer I cant do because of nasty looking scars. I hate summer.

Anxiety Kills

It really does, it sucks. I hate anxiety, I hate that I have to deal with it so much. I hate that my anxiety gets so bad that I feel sick. Today my stomach is turning and getting physically sick seems entirely possible thanks to my anxiety. Sitting still seems impossible, my hands wont stop shaking. Anxiety kills, its really no fun. Well I'm off to work but i would much rather be curled up in a ball in my bed. When will these meds start working? UGH.

So for the first time in a long time I didn't attend church on a Wednesday night. I was going to but it didn't work out. Was guana go to Discovery but when I got there it was empty so I just went home. I guess I could have gone to FCC but I didn't feel like walking in late. I hate being late to stuff. So I just went home and went to bed. Hopefully I dont make a habit out of not going to church...that would probably be a bad habit. Its not that I dont like going to church I'm just not to fond of the one I go to anymore. I dont feel welcome there or involved, and I cant really get involved because they dont want me involved so yea not fond. I do however enjoy going to discovery and I'm learning a lot there so that's good. I dont think that my mom really likes that I go there but I like it there and she cant tell me what church to go to forever. It's not like I haven't been doing my research and talking to leaders in the church finding out what they are about. Sure some stuff i dont agree with but it's not like FCC is perfect either. If it was I wouldn't be looking for a different church to attend.

How Calming A Storm Can Be

I love going for walks. I used to do it pretty often. It's soothing, relaxing, calming, I enjoy my walks. But last night I took a walk in the rain and it was beautiful. With the thunder booming and the lightning flashing all around me. It was big and it was loud....it was God. It helped me to realize that there is someone bigger than all of this out there and He is powerful. I carefully made my way out to the middle of a stream, sat down on a rock and watched the lightning flash and listened to the thunder roar. It was amazing. I looked up and let the rain wash over me and it was refreshing. I watched as the people around me ran to their cars or rushed into their homes but not me. They were probably trying to figure out what that crazy girl was doing sitting on a rock surrounded by water in the middle of a huge storm. I never thought a thunderstorm could be so soothing. I remember when I was little they scared me have to death. I hated them. Who'd have thought that a few years down the road I would look out my window on a sunny day and pray that God would send me a storm. Next time it rains don't rush inside or pull out the umbrella, go take a walk, listen to God, look at his power, and let him wash over you. You will be surprised at how calming a storm can be.

The Beast

Here it goes again, trapped in these endless agonizing hours. Unable to silence that within me that cries out for release. This nameless faceless anxiety that refuses to cease. And all the benadryl, long walks, and desperate pleading in the world could not tame this beast.

The painful reality is I know what will. I possess the knowledge of the remedy…something that works each and every time or so it seems. My skin crawls, every cell in my body, and every ounce of my being begs for the blade…the blood…the pain. That tiny sliver of mettle pressed against my skin, that is my remedy.

But I can not allow this beast to consume me…devouring me and swallowing my progress and steps forward. I know a light exists at the end of this dark cold tunnel even if fear chokes its glow for these few endless hours.

And so I wait in hungry expectation for the gift of sleep, or the brilliance of morning, satisfied with whichever comes first.

"With this knife I cut the ties and set the pain adrift."

Oh I wish I could cut the ties and set my pain adrift but I know it would noever work. I have tried it so many times before. Over 100 scars on my left arm and still my pain lingers. I am hanging by a tread today, a thin thread that could snap any moment. 33 days, I have been doing good for 33 days. I have been taking it day by day. Yesterday I was doing good, sunday I was doing ok, saturday I was doing good, friday good, but today, today not so much. Today I am hanging by a thread and it's going to snap, I can feel it. It wont take much just a little comment, a bit of bad news, or an ugly look. Its going to happen, my thread is going to snap and when it does 33 days will go down the drain. All my hard work, long agonizing moments sometimes days of denying my flesh will mean noting and I will be back at squair one. Oh what fun it will be.

Stressing

I can not handle this right now. I dont understand why this is happening. I'm trying to do the right thing and now they are all mad at me. I really dont like being told that I am hated. Do they understand what the word hate means? Hate is a very strong word and you cant just walk around saying you hate people just because they are dong something that upsets you. I am trying to help, i am doing this because this is whats best for her and in return I am being told that no one will ever trust me again and that they hate me. How can they all hate me this doesn't even concern them this is ridiculous. All I know is I cant handle this. I cant deal with it right now because it is stressing me out. And we all know by now that me being stressed is a bad thing. When I get stressed cutting becomes a huge temptation but I have come too far to cut now, I have come entirely too far and I cant let them and what they are sating get to me like this. I have not cut for 32 days and I am not about to throw that out the window. Hating me is not going to make me change my mind. This is what is going to happen, it has to happen because that is whys best and I would really appreciate it if they didn't use words that they dont know the meaning of. You can not hate me or anyone else and love God because we were all made in Gods image.

Ugh My Night Is Sucking

So basically my night is sucking. I hope she took it well that shes not freaking out. I hope it hasn't ruined her night. I hope she doesn't spend the next few days or hours with her stomach turning and he mind racing, thinking about all the things that could happen or everything they might say. I just hope she is okay, that she's not worried about what could or might happen. I hope she doesn't let it eat at her for days. I hope she knows that she cant control their reaction. Ugh I wish I could talk to her and just tell her that things will be okay. I hope she remembers that no matter what they say whether their reaction is good or bad God loves her no matter what. I hope she knows that there is nothing she can do to make God love her any less. I hope she knows and believes all the things that I didn't.

I'm Sorry

Knees are shaking, palms sweating, voice braking, heart pounding. I feel for her. I know the fear, the fear or rejection. If they love you they will stand by you everyone says but that is exactly why you are scared. You don't believe they love you. I know the feeling and I know the fear. I feel for you girl but it will all be ok I promise. Honestly I feel terrible right now. I know what is going to be going threw your head in a few hours. Your stomach will be turning and speaking will seem impossible but you can do it. I know its hard I was there, I had to do the exact same thing. I have sat in my living room with my parents and told them what you are going to tell yours. When I say I know I'm not saying it to make you feel better I'm saying it because I really know, I know from experience. I am so sorry, I wouldn't wish this feeling on any one. Part of me wishes that I didn't make you tell an adult because then this wouldn't be happening but I know that this is whats best. You have to tell them.

I'm sorry.

So today is one month of no SI.

WOOP WOOP!

Thanks Sean!!

Also thank you Sean for taking us to the NMC and planing it so that we went with FCC Kissimmee resulting in Karissa and I meeting :D

lol is that okay Sean?

So today is my first day of work and thanks to some new meds I'm taking I dont feel so hot...what a grate first day this will be. Hopefully this stuff wears off soon!!!

God Is Moving

Ok so in the past week a lot has happened. It has been a rough depressing week and it has pretty much sucked. But God placed this amazing person in my life about 4 years ago and He has been using her to move in my life so much these past few months. I am so grateful for our friendship and that she has allowed God to use her. Last night I went with her to discovery. Lately I haven't really been wanting to go to church, especially this week. But on Wednesday night and Sunday morning she came with me...so I kindu had to go cuz I couldn't make her go by herself. So Sunday night she decided she was guna go to Status at Discovery and she invited me to come with. I didn't want to go but my options were to go to Status or go Home and I didn't really want to do either. I decided to go to status and I am so glad that I did. It was so amazing I haven't been to something like that since CIY...though it's not as good as CIY that's what it reminded me of. I don't think anything will ever be as good as CIY...except Heaven. But yea it was awesome and we talked about our mission. What is our mission? Are we passionately pursuing our mission? Where is our life pointed? Is it pointed in a way of our mission or are we distracted and pointing a different way? We talked about Jesus and how He knew His mission because He knew who He was and He knew the Father. How am I supposed to know my mission if I don't know who I am and I don't know the father? I know that the direction of my life is not pointing toward my mission, I have been distracted and running on another direction. The decisions I have been making about school and just life in general have been exactly that...decisions that I have been making. I don't know where God wants me to go to school, I waned to go to Johnson because I wanted to get far away for here, from "home". I don't know where I'm going to go now, last night my plans and just everything got flipped upside down. I had all my ducks in a row and I was set, I knew what I was going to do and where I was going to go and now I have no idea what is going on except that God is moving in my life. I have tried for so long to stop Him but if death couldn't stop Him then what makes me think I can? I do know that in order to move toward my mission I need to come to know the father much better than I know Him right now and I think that if I get to know Him then He will help me learn who I am, I will learn my mission, I will know where I am supposed to go, what I am supposed to do, how to get there and it will all workout somehow. I know that the road to my mission is going to be a though one. The road is a road lass traveled. But I know that at the end of this road is a reward. If I were to take any other road I would run into a brick wall. I would never find true happiness. Disappointment and I would become best friends. The bottom line is that God is moving in my life and I can continue to try and fight it all I want but I'm only going to wear myself out. I read a quote once that said God cant fix you until you're broken. I am so sick and tired of being broken and I have learned that I cant put myself back together I have to let God.

So I love how God is just taking care of me right now. Not that He doesn't take care of me all the tome but I don't know I guess I haven't been paying much attention to what He does in my life and how He provides for me till recently. So I got a car for graduation. Yea that's right I now have a car which God provided through my uncle Bill and my other uncle Bill. Unfortunately

a car + no job = no gas

luckily God has been helping me out. He has provided me with opportunities to earn money and just when I think I'm gun hit that big red E God provides. I have had family walk up and put money in my hands, I have had opportunities to work for people in my church, I have had babysitting opportunities. God is just good like that. And I think I might have a job. I have an interview tomorrow at 10. God is good, all the time, God is good.

Starving?

Lord I want more of you,

Holy Spirit rain down on me,

Lord I need more of you,

Living Breath of Life come and fill me up.

We are hungry,

we are hungry,

we are hungry for more of you,

we are thirsty,

oh Jesus,

we are thirsty for more of you.

To live you need food and watter. Those are two very necessary things. Without watter you become dehydrated, week, you get sick, and eventually if you dont get some watter you will die. If you dont eat your body will also become week. Your body gets vitamins, sugars, fats and things from food to help keep you alive. If you dont eat you will eventually die. Dehydration and starvation are to very uncomfortable things. When your dehydrated your sick and being sick is no fun. When you are starving you are hungry but you cant get any food which would be the reason you are starving. Can you imagine how uncomfortable that would be? It is the same with our spiritual lives. We need Gods word to live. God designed us this way. We need to read his word and talk with him on a daily basis. When we starve ourselves of God and his word eventually spiritually you will die. And just like it is uncomfortable to be starved physically, it is uncomfortable to be starved spiritually. You will never be comfortable if God is not a prat of your daily life, if you dont have a relationship with him. A spiritually starved person is on their way to a spiritual death and in my opinion that is much worse than any physical death, because where you are in you walk with Christ dead or alive will determine where you go when this physical life is over.

Wednesday Night

A lot has been on my mind lately. Cathie taught Wednesday night and when Cathie teaches something always hits me and it hits pretty hard...its a good thing I know, but sometimes I don't like it. So we talked about the word BELIEVE a lot. What does the word Believe mean? What does the word Believe mean to us? What is Believing? That kind of thing. I learned that believing isn't just something you say its an action. When you say I believe you will catch me when I fall but you refuse to jump you don't really believe. You have to follow through with what you are saying otherwise believe is just a word. I started thinking what do I believe? Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I back that up with my actions? Yes. So that kinda confused me because I know I believe in God, I have a desire to tell others about him to be a missionary to live my life doing what he has told me to do. So why is there this...I don't know this distance between him and I? Why do I have a hard time trusting Him and talking to Him? I believe in Him, I believe he is real, that he is here, that he is coming back, I believe that there is only one way to heaven and that is threw Jesus Christ, I believe all of this and I have this huge desire to serve him. I'm so excited about being a missionary you don't even understand. So whats wrong? I have this amazing God who I want to live for but we are not as close as we need to be. So this comes back to that word BELIEVE. I believe in God, I believe he is real, that he loves me, that he is with me but this is the discovery I made. I discovered that I have a very hard time believing that Gods love for me is UNCONDITIONAL, I also Have a very hard time believing that he is ALWAYS with me.

Do you know what the word UNCONDITIONAL means? It means it is not limited, there are no
conditions it is absolute. His love is not restricted, it is not determined or influenced by someone or something else.
Do you know what the word ALWAYS means? It means He is with us on every occasion, without exception, all the time, forever.

I haven't met too many people like that. Come to think of it I haven't met anyone like that...ever. I guess that's why it's so hard for me to believe. But then again God's not a person is he? He's God. I cant look at him the same way i look at people. People are people and God is God. To compare him to humans or humans to Him well that just wouldn't be fair. God is perfect, he has never told a lie or broken a promise. If He says he will never leave us then He will NEVER leave us. If He says His love is unconditional then His love is UNCONDITIONAL. I have a problem trusting what God says because I have a problem trusting what people say. I have a problem BELIEVING what God says because i have a problem BELIEVING what people say. But God and people are very different because God is prefect and people are not. I can't look at him like I look at people because its not a fair comparison.

Have you ever been in so much emotional pain that it literally hurts?

CASTING CROWNS

"Set Me Free"

It hasn't always been this way

I remember brighter days

Before the dark ones came

Stole my mind

Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead

Fighting voices in my head

Hoping someone hears me crying in the night

And carries me away

Set me free of the chains holding me

Is anybody out there hearing me?

Set me free

"I'm Covered in marks of maddness,

But choosing to believe that God makes all things new."

"I can not live

I can not die

But I will not live

By this knife"

So my year has come full circle. A year ago today Alicia was killed, some punk kid thought it was okay to bust into her house and take two lives and then take his own. I will probably never understand why she had to die the way she did. We live in a sick world, and I can't wait to go home. This place is full of pain, and hurt and I'm over it. Please keep the Areseneault family in your prayers today as well as the Levitt family as to day will be a difficult day for them. And please keep the Frechou Family in your prayers, though what he did was wrong his life was also lost and his family needs our prayers.

Stress Part 2

I think a majority of my stress came about on Tuesday which was the night of the survival dinner. I had to be there instead of getting things together for my relay team leaving me very few days to get things done and ready for relay on Friday. Then I got home and a few minutes later I got a phone call that unfortunately I have gotten before, not only have I gotten that phone call before but I have made that phone call before. I think that is why it stressed me out so much. The last time I remember being out driving around looking for a loved one was when my brother ran away during a really difficult and unstable time in his life and I didn't know if i was guna find him dead or alive. I dint know if i was looking for a body lying in a ditch or a kid walking down the street so I prepared myself for the worst. That phone call I got brought back a lot of memories that i had pushed under the table in hopes that they would go away... I should no by now that things don't just "go away". So I spent the next hour, hour and a half at the most looking for a loved family member and best friend. My heart brakes for him. I have been where he is, our situations are not exactly the same but similar. Right now he doesn't think that things will get better, he just wants to run to leave it behind him, to be the though kid he is and deal with it, to ignore the problems and go on with life. That was me. I ran, I sucked it up, I ignored it, I put a smile on and pretended life was grate. I didn't think that things would get any better and things still aren't grate, I have my issues, but they are better than they were, things are getting better. I just wish he could see that running doesn't do anything. I wish he could see my scars and understand that running gets you nowhere. Running doesn't make anything better, the problems don't go away because you ignore them. When you run and ignore pain, hurt, and the bad things that happen in life it still doesn't get any better. In fact it gets worse. It hurts more, it tears you apart inside and you don't know how to deal with it. So you turn to other things, the things that the world says will make you feel better. The world told me that cutting, and self injury would make me feel better but it didn't. I have been self injuring since August, my pain hasn't gone away, my problems haven't gone away, they are still there and on top of that I now struggle with an addiction. SI started out as something I did to feel better and it has escalated to something my body craves. My problems are growing not going away. I wish he could see and understand that running and turning to the world doesn't get you anywhere. I pray that he comes to understand and see that the only thing that can bring healing to his life, that can truly make him happy is Jesus Christ. I know its hard, obviously I didn't turn to Jesus when life got tough and look at me now, not turning to Christ cost me. I could have avoided a lot of pain and damage if i would have just looked to Jesus. And sometimes I still don't look to God I turn to the blade leaving "marks of madness" all over my body. I have carved words into myself that can never be erased, I am constantly reminded of my pain. Cutting didn't bring healing, drinking wont bring healing, drugs wont bring healing, sex will not bring healing, but God will we just have to ask. I just wish he could see and learn for my mistakes. But the best thing I can do is pray right?

Stress Part 1

So I'm stressed out. It's been a stressful week. Relay for Life is tomorrow well actually its today since it's 1:00am but I don't feel like getting to technical because its stressing me out. If I wanted to get technical I would be telling you that I have to be at the GMS track in about 9 hours. Wow ok I just really stressed myself out. So that's me being smart and I just made things worse... go me! I cant wait till Sunday... can we just skip tomorrow and Saturday because if we could do that that would be really awesome. But really to be honest this has probably been one of the most stressful weeks this year... I would say of my life because that like my favorite phrase but I told you I would be honest so there you have it. Relay isn't the only reason my week has been stressful but it has played a pretty big role in my stress. As most of you know by now Sarah + Stress = Not Good. On Wednesday Morning I cut 6 times. I actually have a lot on the brain and would love to tell you why i cut and why I am so stressed (there is more to it than relay) but I have a lot to say no time to type it because I have to go do more relay stuff but I will come back to this I promise!

Part 2 coming soon... probably sometime after Relay for life... when I have time to breath.

Do you mean it?

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandon in awe of the one who gave it all I'll stand my sole lord to you surrendered all I am is yours."

So in church this morning we were singing this song. I love to sing, I love to worship. My God is worth worshipping. But I have this problem, I don't like singing words and not being able to follow through with the words I am singing. When I sing a song of praise and worship I am singing it to God. Through song I am telling him that I am going to do this or thanking him for doing that, the words are to him. They are not just words they have meaning, you're not just singing along you are praising God, the words you are singing are to and for him. I don't like singing the song if its something I don't feel I can follow through with. I want to be able to sing and tell God that I'll stand with my heart abandon and my sole surrendered but to be honest I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. It's hard to surrender. I would love to be able to say that ALL I am belongs to Jesus Christ but I know that if I were to sing those words I would be lying. The truth is that all I am is split. Part of me belongs to him but the rest of me belongs to me. I know that there are parts of me and parts of my life that I am still holding on to. There are things that I just cant seem to let go of. Oh I want to let them go. I want to surrender, I want all of me to belong to him, but it is so hard. It is hard to deny my flesh. How can I sing words that I don't mean? How can I tell my God, my father that every part of me belongs to him when it doesnt? How can I tell him that I will stand with arms high and heart abandon, with my sole surrendered to him but not go through with it? Maybe one day I will sing those words and mean them but today I just couldn't do it. It brakes my heart to know that he died so that I might live and have eternal life and I cant even tell him that all I am is his. I hope that one day I will get to that point, to the point where all of me is his, to a point where I can abandon my heart and surrender my sole. Maybe one day I will have the strength to do so but that day was not today. I don't know how long it will take for me to get to that point but I will get there. One day I will sing that song and mean from the bottom of my heart every last word. I wont just be singing it I will be living it. One day.

Can I be honest? Can I be completely and total honest? I dont want to show up at church and have people looking at me differently. I dont want to walk in to the living room and have my parents all concerned. Not that it really matters what i right on here because my parents are already concerned and people at church do look at me differently. That's just what happens when you cut yourself. But any ways back to being honest. To be honest I'm not happy. I'm not a happy kid, or adult, or teenager... I dont know whatever I am I'm not a happy one. And to be honest I'm tired of pretending to be. But what can I do? I kindu have to put on that smile dont I? I mean what would people think if I was walkin around sad all the time? The only time I can show how I'm feeling is behind closed doors. Be hind my locked door is the one place I dont have to wear a mask. I guess that is why I spend so much time in my room.

The Urge

I was recently asked what the urge to cut feels like. I have never really thought about what the urge feels like but I am going to do my best at answering this question.

The urge to cut is unpleasant. I think it’s different for everyone but for me it starts out as a simple voice telling me to do it. It’s a calm voice just simply suggesting I should cut. But if I say no thanks the voice gets louder and louder until I cant focus on anything else. My skin begins crawling and my body begs for something sharp anything to pierce the skin and bring release. I feel like I HAVE to do it or I cant go on. My chest gets tight like there is an elephant sitting on it and I cant breath. I start to panic and begin shaking. Sometimes I cant sit still and I constantly have to move, pacing back and forth across my room. It's just an awful feeling, like you have no control. You are screaming inside. Every part of you is longing to feel that blade drag across your arm and you have to dig deep down and find that part of you, that small part of you that knows it will never work. Then you have to fight the urge.

Quotes

"I'm an average girl, and sometimes I wish I could be more than that... to exceed excellence. As the days seem to go on endlessly, I wait for the someday I've been promised. That someday when things are supposed to be perfect... the someday when I find my place in this unforgiving world."

"I think we are all grateful of the man who invented razors, where would we be without the blades? We would be no one, at least with the blade we are someone. We are what we carve into ourself."

"Sometimes I sit and watch the ink leak from my pen. It comforts me to know something else bleeds the way I do."

"I have a tendency to hurt my self physically when i'm really hurting emotionally"

"Did it surprise you that I am not who you thought I was? Did it surprise you to find that I don’t exactly stand for what you thought I stood for all along? Did it surprise you to find that I'm not exactly how I played myself out to be? That the person you thought I was is actually nothing to what I am. Doesn't it amaze you how the most carefree people who can wear the biggest smile on their face, are the ones who are crying tears of ice alone in their bedroom to cover every part of their depression. Don't let this change anything. For now you know who I am once the darkness hits and I'm alone in my room. I can still be the person you and everyone else thought I was. For that is the person I have played to be for so many years."

"In a world full of Cheerios be a Fruit loop"

"She stood tall, all her insecurities shining for the whole world to see, and she smiled."

"Those who say only sunshine brings happiness have never danced in the rain"

"The truth is, I still haven't talked about it. The depression is the same no matter how many masks I wear. It suffocating, there's no escape. It's agony, and I know it's my life. At times it leaves, but it never fully goes away, not completely. Then there are times when I don't want to eat, I can't fully funtion. It's the most intense pain anyone could ever feel. The smile I wear is just a cover-up. It's bearing down on me. I tell myself there is no cure for this excruciating pain. Happiness is an ongoing battle, a state of mind, something I'll be fighting with for the rest of my life. So I continue to wear the mask of the person everyone wants me to be because they would not come close to fully understanding who I really am. "

Sarcasm

Can you say bad day? What about bad week? I love bad days. I really love when those bad days happen one after another and turn into a bad week, it's just so much fun.

So I have realized that I have just kindu shut down. Ever since I got back from Haiti I have shut down. I don't do anything, I don't go outside, I don't watch TV, I don't talk to my family, I don't blog, I don't like going out with people. I don't know what I'm feeling because I haven't taken the time to sort out my feelings, I have just shut down. I have been so emotionally drained. What I saw in Haiti was so disturbing and upsetting, it was just wrong, it was all wrong. People should not have to live like that. I don't care who you are, what you have done, what color your skin is, what your last name is, where you are born, I don't care. No person should have to live the way some of these people live. No child should have to go to bed hungry. No mother should have to choose which of her starving children get to eat that day, if any. It just should not be that way. People should not have to bathe in the same water they urinate in. Kids should not have to dig through piles of garbage to find an article of clothing. It should not work that way but it does and I'm just not sure how to handle it.

By His wounds we are healed

So something occurred to me yesterday during our 11 o'clock service. I sang a song, a song I have heard many times, a song i have sung many times. I know this song well. But as I was singing it a light bulb went off. This song comes from Isaiah 53:5 witch says; "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed" By HIS wounds we are healed. Most of you know I have been trying to do this crazy thing that in the back of my mind I know I will never be able to do. I have been trying to heal myself. Yes that is exactly what I have been trying to do. In a way that's what cutters are trying to do they are trying to bring healing to there lives the problem is the "healing" is only temporary meaning it's not really healing at all. The bible doesn't say I will be healed by my own wounds, it doesn't say; If you are pierced for your transgressions, and crushed for your iniquities then that punishment will bring you peace and by your wounds you will be healed. NO it doesn't say that. BY HIS WOUNDS I AM HEALED. He payed the price I don't have to do anything except accept that he payed the price for my healing and take the required steps to experience that healing. I know that He is the healer and it is by his wounds that I am healed so why am I still trying to heal myself?

The Voice

Just one time.

You're not scared are you?

You big chicken.

You're already all scared up.

One more time wont hurt... you're worthless anyways.

Do it!

You're afraid, you know what fear is?

Fear is a sign of weakness.

You're not weak are you?

Do it!

You will feel better

Look at you, you're unlovable so why not just cut.

Just grab the knife.

One more scare isn't going to make a difference

Just do it!


I deal with this voice every day.
He knows exactly what to say.
He whispers in my ear
Down my spine he sends chills of fear.
He laughs in my face
Calls me a disgrace
Then he hands me a knife
And I listen

It's not a suicide attempt

Cutting is not an attempt at ending my life, it is an attempt to preserve it. I don't cut because I wish to die, I cut because without the relief that cutting brings living seems impossible. When I cut I can feel the pain, the stress, and the frustration, leaving my body and for that moment I am free from it all. But when the cuts begin to heal, scabs begin to develop, the wounds close up, my feelings become trapped once again with no way of escape. The moment of freedom has passed and I am trapped inside myself. Inside I am crying, desperately searching for a way out and the only way I know how to do that is to cut. It's not an attempt to end my life it is an attempt to make it a little easier. Cutting for me is more like a survival strategy. I um usually pretty careful about where I cut and when I do cut I take care of the cuts to prevent infection. It's not a careless act it's a well thought out attempt to make it through that day or moment. The problem with cutting is that the feeling of relief is temporary and cutting can also become addicting. It is not a permanent form of relief or freedom it's only temporary and it is never enough. Once you start you need more, you go from cutting once or twice to 10 times and then that's not enough so you cut 20 times and then you decide that they need to be deeper. Things can get bad and because self injury is only temporary there will never be a point of satisfaction you will ALWAYS need more. I don't suggest using self injury as a coping mechanism to anyone, it is dangerous and difficult to stop. If you have recently started cutting pleas stop, talk to someone about it, an adult you respect, someone you know will listen to you. Talk to someone you know will stand by you through your pain and help you to sort out your feelings. And stay away from the people who cast judgment because they don't understand, they only make things worse. Just know that there are better ways to deal with pain, hurt, stress, and frustration and self injury is not one of them.

Scream

"Scream"

By: ZoeGirl

Does anybody know how I feel?

Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome

Does anybody care what's going on?

Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm

For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?

Do I have to bleed for you to see me?

'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me

Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?

Where was my defense? No one heard my protest

The eyes of God were watching me

It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released

So I can breathe again

I'm on my knees

I've been marked, set apart

But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark

One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand

Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream for Him to hear me

Don't have to bleed for Him to see me

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream

I don't have to bleed

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening

And I don't have to scream

12:20ish in the AM

Okay so why am I still up at 12:20am? Cuz I can't sleep. I forgot to take my sleeping pill tonight. So I have been watching videos on you-tube because there really isn't much to do at 12am. I was watching videos on SI. So I learned that I probably shouldn't watch videos on SI especially if the video starts out saying "WARNING this video contains graphic images and may be triggering." But I found some pretty good and educational videos. I also found videos of the occasional attention seeking looser making fun of cutters and self injurers. I just have to say that these people are very lucky I will probably never meet them in person because I would probably have to smack them... in Christian love of course:D. So as I am watching these videos on SI some of them had some good songs to go along with the slide show. I learned that ZoeGirl has a song called Scream, and it's about cutting. I also heard a song by Kelly Clarkson called addicted. I have heard this song but it never really had any meaning for me until I was listening to it with SI on the brain. Ugh I'm tired and hungry.... I'm guna attempt to go to bed, we will see how that goes.

So I'm A Tad Bit Frustrated

Just as I am starting to get comfortable with myself, with my scars, I am slowly becoming comfortable in my own skin. I don't always feel the need to cover them up but I think I have just taken about 20 steps back. Being made fun of can do that. People laughing cracking jokes after they find out you self injure. Its not fun to be laughed at because of my scars, I have said this before and I will say it again I don't think SI is a joke. SI is not something to be laughed at or taken lightly. I don't SI because I hate my life. I don't SI to be cool. I don't SI for attention. I don't SI as an attempt to kill myself. I am not "emo". Yes you can be a Christian, go to church, love God, and still struggle with a sin or multiple sins, SI being one of those sins. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise they are liars.
PAUSE: This does not mean its okay to sin. But we are not perfect, no one is, God does not expect us to be perfect but he does expect us to try and strive to be like him. In short being a christian is NOT a free pass to sin. UNPAUSE
I do not live in a dark whole and pray to the devil. I am not goth or wiccan by any means. I do not hate myself. I am simply a human being who has developed bad coping skills. I am far from perfect, I sin and have struggles like everyone else. My sin is more common than you think, it is just well hidden by those who do it. It is not funny just like drug addicts, alcoholics, pornography addicts, bulimia, anorexia, smoking, and any other addictions are not funny. Don't tell me SI isn't an addiction because if you haven't tried it then you wouldn't know. That would be like me telling a smoker that smoking is not an addiction and then laughing at him because his lungs are black and he will probably die because of it. That's not funny. We don't laugh at other people and their addictions so why do we laugh at SI? So don't crack jokes like I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself. Don't pull out your razor phone and start making sawing motions across your arm and start screaming I hate my life, or why isn't this stupid razor working. Its not funny. And you think I am the one seeking attention. I don't know, I guess I will never understand why self injury is so funny. People will be people, welcome to the world.

Will I be remembered?

Will anyone care?

Would you even miss me if suddenly I wasn't there?

I drew you a picture...

I drew you a picture
It was drawn with a twist
It was drawn with a razor
It was drawn on my wrist

This picture tells a story

It's a picture of my life

It's a picture of my pain
Of my agony and strife
As I drew this picture

The blood over flowed

The pain in my life

Suddenly showed

How do you know I'm hurting

If you can not see my pain

These marks on my skin

Say what words can not explain

These scars they tell a story

It's the story of my life

It's the story of my pain

Of my agony and strife

This specific picture

I drew just for you

It's the picture that I drew

When you said our friendship

Was through

You were the inspiration

For this drawing on my wrist

And if it weren't for you

These scars would not exist

This is actually something I wrote a long time ago I just decided to post it because I think its important for people to know the affect they have on there friends when they just give up on them. It's a very negative affect, and it is not helpful to the situation. This is not geared towards one specific person. I have had multiple friendships that have been ended because people did not know what to do when they found out I struggled with self injury. I personally think that is a dumb reason to end a friendship and if they were true friends then they would have been there for me.

"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throwaway the blade."

Self-Injury Video

You know what? I really dont like math.
Also this kid in my class is WEIRD he keeps laughing and no one knows why. Like its not just snickering he BUSTS out laughing but no one has said or done anything funny we are all doing work. It is completely silent and then he just starts laughing. So weird.

My Defective Mind

So I am reading this book called Healing Is A Choice by Stephen Arterburn. Is a good book... sometimes I don't like what it says because well because its right lol but its a good book. So I am reading and it says something that really surprised me. It said "The mind we use to do so much is a defective organ." I was like WHAT? What do you mean my mind is defective?? (that's what happens when you don't finish reading) So I continued to read "It is so sick that microbiologists end up delivering mail. Pastors end up selling stocks and bonds. Married men end up in relationships with prostitutes. Woman end up living like doormats. Geniuses end up behind bars. Wealthy people shoplift. Healthy people gain 180 pounds. Mothers hit the children they love. Fathers molest the children they always dreamed of treating better they were treated. Teachers end up selling insurance. Counselors end up in inappropriate relationships with those they wanted to help. Fun and exciting people end up bolted to the security of their own homes, unable to walk out the front door. The sick mind does all this and more." After I read that I started putting my own stuff in there stuff like "Beautiful skinny girls think they are fat and become anorexic. People decided to deal with the pain life brings by cutting. The people who long for love push those who love them away because they are afraid of it." It didn't take long for me to realize that my mind is defective. I never thought of it like that. our lives can fall apart right in front of our eyes and we sit there thinking that we can find away to fix it. But do we REALLY think that we can fix it? I mean HELLO we got ourselves into this mess. If we were smart we wouldn't be in the position we are in - in the first place. "The sick mind that lead us down the wrong path is not going to somehow find the right path one day. In order to find that path we must seek help beyond ourselves. We must reach out and find the help that we need." Now I don't know about you but that is the part that I have trouble with. Reaching out. That's just hard for me but when i read this I kinda realized that I'm not guna be able to do this on my own. I need help and that's going to take a lot of work on my part. Time will not make the problem go away, I am not capable of fixing the problem. I need help its just that simple. Luckily there is this guy He goes by many names; I AM, Jehovah, Father, The Amen, Redeemer, Prince of Peace. He is the creator of universe, the Savior of the world, He is my heavenly father and he will never leave me. The best part is if I let him he can fix my defective mind.

These scars say it all. For your information yes, I am aware that I have used that saying before. "My scars say it all.". But I'm telling you now that this saying is false, the scars only tell you I'm in pain. The truth is you only see what I choose to show you. You know of nothing beyond the scars. You can think you know it all but unless you hear it from my mouth you are just as clueless as the next person. So STOP acting like you've got me figured out. There is no way you could know even the slightest bit of what I'm going through or why I cut if you still refuse to talk to me about it. It's been 8 months and you still don't want to talk, you continue to make your assumptions. When ever you want to talk let me know but until then keep your mouth shut because you DON'T know me.

Smile

People are always telling me to smile. Like smiling will make it better or take away my hurt. The reality is a smile cant cure my sorrow and a smile doesnt mean I dont have any pain. A smile means nothing if its fake. I have tried hiding my sorrows and pain behind a smile but the thing is, when your pain is this deap it will be visible no matter how big your smile or howmany masks you wear. Your heart has a way of saying the things you wont.

National Self-Injury Awareness Day

"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no formal diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."

Today is national Self Injury awareness day. We are not freaks we are just hurting.

Rescue Is Possible
Stop The Bleeding
Love Is The Movement
TWLOHA
www.twloha.com

restoration

Restoration; renewal. reestablishment. revival. a reconstruction or reproduction. a return of something to a former, original, normal, or unimpaired condition. the act of restoring something or someone to a satisfactory state. the state of being restored to its former good condition. a returning to a normal or healthy condition

In one way or another dont we all hope for some sort of restoration? Maybe something has happened that has flipped your world upside down. Your life has been changed forever because of that one incident. Maybe a divorce, the loss of a loved one, loss of your job, serious injury or fatal illness, or maybe you just made a dumb decision. It could be anything. All you know is your life used to be so much easier, or better. You're wishing things could go back to the way they were but that's about all you can do is wish. You have tried to bring restoration. You have tried to "fix" your life but when you step back and are honest with yourself, when you face reality the reality is that nothing you have done or could ever do will bring true restoration to your life. Life as you knew it is forever changed and as far as our human eyes can see restoration is not possible, not by our own doing.

I have been there. I'm not telling you this because I have observed it in other peoples lives, I'm telling you this because I have observed it in my own life. Threw a series of events, deaths, relationships that fell apart, betrayal of close friends and family members, I became a concrete wall. No one could get in and my feelings could not get out. That was stupid decision number 1 and number 2 was not letting people in / not letting my feelings out. Stupid decision number 3 came a few years down the road when I decided I could fix the problem on my own, when I decided I could successfully reconstruct my own life and return it to its former condition. Even after realizing that my method of restoration wasn't working I continued with it. I proceeded to do the very thing I knew was not working, the thing that I knew would never work, the thing that I knew was causing more harm than good. This is not something I learned years ago, it is not something I learned months ago, weeks ago. It clicked two days ago. This is something that I still have a hard time with I'm not cured of thinking that I have the power, the strength to restore my life. It is a currant struggle for me but I wanted to share what I have learned thus far.

I was told to read Psalm 23. I had read it may times, it's a well known Psalm. I decided to read it and I got to verse 3 where it says "he restores my soul." and i realized that I might not be able to restore my soul but Jesus can. It says it right there in Psalm 23:3 he restores my soul. HE restores my soul. Jesus restores my soul.

He refreshes my soul Psalm 23:3 (TNIV)
He gives me new strength Psalm 23:3 (NIRV)
He renews my strength Psalm 23:3 (NLT)
He makes me strong again Psalm 23:3 (NLV)

Jesus does a lot of stuff. He is sitting there waiting for us to come to him so that he can restore us, make us whole again. Why do we have such a hard time letting him? Why do I have such a hard time letting him?

something bad happened

So I'm not doing good at all. I think something bad happened to one of my friends but I will never really know for sure but I'm almost positive he did it. I dont know what to do i just feel so helpless right now. Please keep me in your prayers and also my firend and his family just pray for peace.

Got in trouble in class today. It was amazing. Mr. Greenwald is hilarious and impossible to take seriously even when he is yelling at you.

Okay so just finished watching Mean Girls. I LOVE that movie not exactly sure why, but I do. I'm not sure exactly what time I woke up this AM I think it was like 3 something. I didn't even get to bed last night till like 1:40ish because I just could not fall asleep. So yea I am getting like no sleep. Its REAL cool... not. You know the feeling of like when you're tired but you can sleep no matter how long you lay in your bed with your eyes closed? Yea that feeling sucks. I think I'm guna try a new sleeping pill soon. I feel like I'm nocturnal lol. I have gotten like a lot done in the almost 2 hours that I have been awake. I even did laundry. I am guna be drinkin some kindu energy drink today monster or amp or something. You know I'm supposed to be on like a diet, eating stuff that is GOOD for you and I really don't think that I should be drinkin those things lol. But I need to stay awake somehow. I proly should not have had that MASIVE banana split on Sunday either not good. Whatever. I'm hungry like really hungry. My tummy is growling but I don't feel like getting up. So I guess I will have to wait until later to eat. Okay well I think I'm done here so I'm guna go watch Dirty Dancing. Later person who is reading this... for some odd reason.


PS. Hi Trisha! :D

So I've been thinking, I want to know why I cut. I want to know every last reason, even the reasons I haven't admitted to. I want to know ALL of them. I know I have mentioned a few reasons, like I cut to feel numb, I cut to know I'm alive, I cut to forget about the emotional pain. I am sick of giving lame answers. Answers like I cut because I was mad. I cut because I was sad, or I cut because stressed. Those reasons just aren't good enough for me, they really aren't reasons at all. Other people get mad, sad, and stressed and they don't cut. I want real reasons, reasons that make sense. I'm tired of hiding them for myself. Hiding the real reasons I cut isn't going to make things better. I think that for real, true healing to take place I need to face reality, and the reality is there are many reasons that I cut and I need to deal with them all. So I think that to start I need to figure out all he reasons I cut, so every time i figure out one of the reasons I cut I will be posting it here on my blog. Why? 1. So that I have it recorded somewhere 2. Because I think it will help people to understand and see why I cut. I don't want people who read this to just see a girl who cuts I want people to know its deeper than that there is more to the cutting, its really not about the cutting its about the reasons be hind it. Weather you know me or not I want you to know why I cut. I want you to know that most cutters don't just cut to cut, there are reasons for it and until you dig and figure out why things will never get better. So Here is the the first few reasons I cut.

I cut to...
feel numb
know I'm alive
find relief
forget about emotional pain and hurt
grieve (in place of crying)

Sick Cycle Carousel

The story of my life. I have a select few songs that I could call the story of my life but at the moment I can relate most to this song. It is called Sick Cycle Carousel by Lifehouse.
I feel like my life just keeps going around and around. Its a cycle, I do good for a while, I don't cut, a month goes by and I cave in and I cut, then I do good for another month and cave in shortly after that month ends. That's just how it goes. Its a sick cycle carousel. You can tell when I cut, you can see the shame in my face in my eyes in the way I carry myself, I become shame. No matter how hard I try to beat this I fail. I fail over and over again. It feels like it will never end. I will always be going through these motions I'm stuck on this carousel, it wont stop, I cant get off, I'm stuck. I have been so down, so low, and I have tried to climb the steps. I have tried to get out of this low point in my life but no matter how hard I try, no matter how high I climb, I never make it to the top. I always lose my balance and I fall. I fall all the way back down to the ground hitting my head on every step. By the time I reach the bottom I'm in so much pain I don't even bother to try again.

If shame had a face I think it
would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
Well here we go now one more time

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this

So when will this end it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good

I never thought I'd end up here
Never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kinda thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more time

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried yo beat this

So when will this end it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this...

Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle, yeah

So when will this end it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good

So when will this end it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good

Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel...

inefficient

Do you ever do something stupid one night then wake up and the reality of what you did hits?
Wow, reality has hit me this morning.
It hit and it hit hard.
Like a frying pan to the back of the head,
A can of soup dropped on your toe,
Someones fist to your gut.
Its a guilt wrenching pain.
I am to the paint where I feel sick.
What in the world was I thinking?
The pain I am in is beyond description.
I have been defeated once again.
I'm so inefficient.
I cant do this on my own.
So why do I keep trying?

The blood flows down her arm
The relief is bitter sweet.
But she quickly realizes what she has done
And that familiar feeling of regret washes over her
She looks under the bed and reaches for the shoebox
The one she had hope she would never have to pull out again
Her home made first aid kit.
Everything she needs to nurse her self-inflicted wound is in that box
As she watches the blood run down her arm
She feels that overwhelming feeling
That feeling of disappointment, of failure
The feeling is strong and the tears begin to flow
Her chest gets tighter as she starts to shake
Her breath becomes short
The fear of failure has become the only thing she can feel
I have already done it once, what’s a few more going to do? She asks herself.
So she picks up the blade again and begins dragging it across her arm
Over and over again
And the blood drains from her body.
That feeling of failure and regret quickly flees
Her arm is burning the pain is overwhelming
So overwhelming she can’t feel anything
She is numb
Numb at last, she can’t think can’t feel, she is in a daze
Life has come to a screeching halt
Nothing matters now
What’s done is done and you can’t undo it
And the blood trickles down her arm
This is what she wanted
To feel no pain
To escape from the world
To forget the regret
Still numb but aware of what is going on she reaches for the box
She begins wiping the blood from her arm
And begins the steps to caring for her wounds
She gently rubs Neosporin over the wounds to prevent infection.
Band aids won’t cover the cuts completely they are too big
Not to mention there are far too many cuts to use band aids
So she pulls out the gauze and begins to wrap her arm
From her elbow to her wrist she wraps
Then she goes back from her wrist to her elbow
And finally back up to her wrist
Hoping that’s enough to keep it from bleeding through
She pulls out the tape and tapes her arm to hold the gauze in place.
Searching frantically for her sweater so she can hide her bandaged arm
She realizes her shirt is covered in blood
She quickly changes her shirt
Nice and clean no blood
She grabs her sweater and darts out of her room
She putts on her happy face
And goes to Church as if nothing happened.
That night she lays down in her bed and watches TV
The blood stained shirt in the corner of her room catches her eye
She roles her sleeve up and looks at her arm.
Did I really do it again she asks herself
Hoping this is all just a dream she slowly begins unwrapping her arm.
As she removes the tape she begins to see the blood stained gauze
Whale removing the gauze she begins to feel that something is causing her skin to stick to it
She continues to unwrap her arm
As the skin on her arm becomes visible so do the fresh wounds.
I did it, I really did it she says to herself as the tears begin to run down her cheeks.
How many are there? How many times did I cut? She asks herself.
So she slowly begins to count.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5
5! She exclaims as the anger rushes over her.
How could I do this to myself again?
5 times? 5 times!
She begins to scold herself.
You idiot, you stupid idiot!
They are right, they are all right about you.
You are a screw up. You’re a fucked up little girl just like they said.
You are worthless she tells herself
As she cries herself to sleep and hopes she never wakes up.



You might see her scars but you have no idea of her pain.
You only see half of the story, there is more to her than than her scars.
If you would just take the time to talk to her you would know that.

So a friend of mine wrote this and I loved it.
I can relate to it so I posted it.

My Secret Vault
I want you to know me, to know all my fears,
To know all my pain that's been building for years.
But to tell you the truth that has never been told
Is to scary to think of. I can't be that bold.
I've held it all in. It's still building and building.
My head is a wreck. My thoughts are unyielding.
If I tell you my secret that only I know
It could end in such sadness...such sorrow and woe.
I want you to care, but what if you don't?
I'm dieing to tell you, but I probably won't.
As I look back now, it was probably my fault.
So I'll keep my secret locked up in my vault.
-Angela

I'm hungry and lunch is an hour away :(.

Also this class is lame and no one is here there is only like me and 3 other people.

Ok so just finished lunch and I was sitting in my car and realized that I haven’t done any devos like at all this week. I’m still on day 16 and I think we are supposed to be on like day 20 something or maybe even 30 something. I’m like really behind... not good. But if anyone asks I’m right where I’m supposed to be :D. I am guna try to catch up but I have been reading this book so I might start my devos back up once I finish the book.

Okay so I just figured out that today is day 26 of no SI and for some reason I thought it was day 25. 26 days thats like almost a month. Thats a long time but its nothing compaird to forever ugh.

I almost broke down and gave in last night. I kept flicking the lighter on and off and waving my hand thru the flame. Sometimes I would light it and put the flame under my arm or leg just to see how long I could stand the pain. I tried everything last night and nothing worked, red pen, band aids, scratching, pinching, biting, holding ice in my hand, and heat, nothing. But nothing caused permanent damage so it doesn’t count as SI right? It wasn’t really that serious and I have to give the lighter to Tonya tonight so it’s not like I will have it much longer. Things just keep getting worse. I thought quitting was supposed to make things better, I was supposed to feel better but noooo I feel like crap and things are not getting better. 26 days later Sarah still feels like crap. I think things will get better eventually but I don’t think they will get better anytime soon. They say things get worse before they get better I would just like to know how much worse they are guna get. I’m not sure how long this is guna go on for but I can’t wait till its done and I can get some sleep.

So my arm is red and covered in band aids. Not red from cutting its red pen. I was told that it helps to mark with red pen or place band aids in the arias you wish to cut when you feel the urge. Well that's not working out for me. My arm is red and covered in band aids and I still feel like I need to cut. I have been squeezing ice in my right hand since about 9:00 and it hurts but not enough. I need to hurt but I don’t want to just give up like that. I have come so far and to cut after all this would mean I worked so hard for nothing. I don’t know what to do. I would just go to bed but I can’t do that because I haven’t been able to sleep for the past week. So I'm super tired but can’t sleep. I could fall right to sleep just one cut and I would be fine I would not shake or have any trouble breathing and I would be able to sleep (well) for the first time in a week. But like I said if I give in now then the past 24 days were pointless and meant nothing.

ugh this sucks big time

22 days of no SI

Ok so I have been doing good 22 days and today is almost over so it is soon to be 23 days of no SI. But I'm struggling, I'm really, really struggling, this is so hard. It has been a long time since I have been clean for 22 days and I forgot exactly how hard it was. It was hard enough to go 5 or 6 days but 22 holly cow. This whole no SI thing is kicking my butt. I haven't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep a night since Wednesday, I keep having anxiety attacks, I just don't feel good. This is just so hard and I don't know when it will stop if it ever does. Am I going to live the rest of my life having anxiety attacks on a regular basis because I need to cut? How long does this feeling last? Well I ever be able to fall a sleep and once I fall a sleep will I be able to stay a sleep for longer than a few hours? Will this ever end? Will things ever go back to normal or am I always going to feel the need to cut? I have so many questions that no one can answer. I just don't know what is going on. I want to quit but its so hard, I wish I never started but i did and now I am stuck in this mess, this ongoing struggle, this tug-of-war. One minute I am doing ok staying strong and the next thing I know I cant breath and I am telling my self one cut one cut and that's it, then I'm sitting there talking myself out of it. I really don't think I cut when bad things happen or when I'm sad or stressed so much anymore. I have been working through my issues and things are getting a lot better. I just feel the need to cut, nothing has happened to trigger it I just need to do it. It's strange I know, I cant figure it out either all I know is that it sucks. And this whole depression thing is getting old. One minute I will be happy and the next minute I dont want to get out of bed, or I just want to cry or something. I cant figure it out and it's very frustrating. Those of you who know me know that I like to be in control and I have no control over the depression thing. I can act like I'm not depressed sometimes but I am still depressed, I cant control it, it sucks and I cant figure out why I feel depressed and I don't know when it's going to happen. It's like; surprise you feel depressed... it's gay. So yea I'm having a rough time and I really hope that I can continue to stay strong and not give in to temptation no matter how crappy I feel.

Please keep me in your prayers.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength Philippians 4:13

stressing out

Okay so I am on my NEW laptop (thank you Aunt Ellen!). Just thought I would let you know :D

So I'm feeling a little stressed out. Growing up can be stressful for those of you who didn't know. I am feeling rushed to get my GED so that I can got to college in the fall. No GED = no college. I have no money, what 17 year old does? I have no clue how I'm going to pay for school. I cant take out loans because I wont be able to pay them off once I get out of school. Missionaries don't make enough money to do that. It's kind of scary knowing that you are going to go into the mission field. It requires a lot of faith and trust in the Lord. I mean I have NO idea where I'm going to be a missionary to, and I know for a fact that money will not be something I have a lot of. It is just like walking around in the dark, I don't know where I'm going, when I'm going, how I'm getting there, the language I will be speaking, or how long I'm going to be there. I'm just walking around in the dark listening for Gods voice to guide me to where I need to be. Things are just very unclear right now making life a tad bit difficult.

I'm doin good!

EVERYONE!

Today is day 20 of no SI! I haven’t cut or burnt for 20 days! WOOP WOOP!

God is awesome and He is the reason I have made it this far. Without Him I don’t think I would be doing so well. Sure it’s hard sometimes but just because it’s hard that does not mean that He is not there with me every step of the way. I can feel Him there with me encouraging me and helping me every time I begin to fall. I know that as long as I keep focused on Him I will be ok.

Bring The Rain

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
Be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
Praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I love this song! Its called Bring The Rain by mercyme. You should check it out.

Did my devos

Ok so I haven’t been doing my devos as often as I probably should be. I did like really good the first week and then I just kindu slacked off. I’m really good at slacking off lol. So I just spent my lunch period catching up on my devos. I think I caught up on like 5 days so I’m now only a few days behind so that’s good.

But yea so I just finished my devos and I feel kindu refreshed. I am still kindu feeling depressed but not as depressed (it’s a good thing). I have also decided that I think like the first like 4 or 5 verses of John chapter 1 are like my favorite verses ever in my life. I really need to get back into Gods word on a more regular basis... like on a daily basis. I don’t know if it will “cure” my depression but maybe you never know. God does some cool stuff and it wouldn’t hurt to find out. But yea devos are good and I was really disappointed when I had to stop reading John 1 and go back to lame math class so hopefully the rest of my day goes by quickly so I can go home and finish the chapter or maybe just get completely caught back up on my devos... who knows.

Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong

When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me

Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability

I want to be remembered as the girl who smiles

even though her heart is broken

and the one who could always brighten up your day

even if she couldent brighten her own.

Just a thought

"Not all scars show, not all wounds heal, sometimes you can’t always see the pain someone feels."

I saw this quote on a website about cutting but I really liked the last part "sometimes you can’t always see the pain someone feels" It's true, we don’t know what’s going on in other peoples lives. I don’t know why that guy cut me off yesterday on my way home from school. I don’t know why some lady was honking at me to go before I even had time to get my foot off the brake. I don’t know why the lady at the checkout counter is being so rude. We just don’t know. Maybe the lady at the checkout counter just got some bad news but is unable to leave work, maybe the guy who cut me off is in a hurry to get to the hospital because his wife is there, and maybe the lady honking at me two seconds after the light had turned green is in a hurry to get home because her kid called and something happened. You never know what’s going on in peoples lives, why they are acting the way they are acting. And you know what, maybe all those people are acting that way because they are just strait up impatient jerks who think you’re slowing them down. But just because someone is rude to us does not mean it’s a free pass to be rude right back.

I am really good at being rude sometimes. I once had someone honk at me to go as I was turning into my neighborhood and I didn’t like that they were being so impatient so I decided to teach them a lesson by going 10mph under the speed limit till I got to my street. There was a line of cars behind me and I could see that the car that honked at me was pissed and that made me pretty happy. Boy did I teach that jerk a lesson. I taught him to be patient, to wait a few min before you go crazy and start honking your horn. HA! Yea I'm sure that’s what I taught him. You know what I probably taught him? I probably taught him that Christians are jerks just like the rest of the world. I probably taught him that it doesn’t matter if they have a Z88.3 bumper sticker on the back of there car or one that says body piercing saved my life with a nail going into the hand of Christ. Yep thats probably what I taught him, Christians are no different than anyone else.

Just because someone is rude to us it is not a free pass to be rude back, it's an opportunity to be Christ. We don’t know the reason behind the attitude so lets quit assuming everyone who cuts us off is a jerk and every rude person at the checkout is not a people person. Maybe they are having a bad day so lets not be the ones who make it worse by being rude back. Not all scars are visible and we cant always see the pain the others are going dealing with.

I really want to cut right now. I haven’t cut for 17 almost 18 days and now I’m feeling the need to cut. I keep thinking – just one little cut, just one – but I know that as soon as I make that one little cut I will not be able to stop. I will continue to cut over and over again. The cuts will get deeper and deeper and I will just keep going because I won’t care anymore. One cut could turn into 20 in a matter of minutes or seconds even.

I have been able to control myself pretty well these past few days, I have been able to fight the urge, the desire to cut. But I know that as the days continue to go by the desire to cut will continue to get stronger and harder to fight. I know this because I have tried to stop cutting before. I have gone 47 days without cutting then turned around and gave in, I cut 11 times taking me from day 47 and putting me back at day one.

I have gone back to day one, back to start many times. It’s an overwhelming feeling of failure and I hate it. But the feeling I get in the midst of cutting is an overwhelming feeling of relief. I want to feel that relief but I dread the feeling of failure. How can I feel the relief without the feeling of failure afterwards?

I’m going to go do some devotions now. Maybe I will feel better after I spend some time in Gods word.

Oh man, I really don't like math class!
It makes my head hurt "/

You see my pain and hurt
These scars they say it all
Still you stair and whisper
You talk teach time I fall

Have you no compassion
No uplifting words to share
Is this all you can do
As you sit there and stair

The hatful words they whisper
Some say them to may face
They are not words of love
They show no compassion, no grace

Yet we call ourselves Christians
Followers of Christ
But the things we say and do
Do not reflect His life

Ok so I have a counseling apt today. I cant decide if I'm excited about it or not. I know its a good thing... i think... I know i need to be there so it must be a good thing that I'm going. I kindu am not pumped about it because its a chick counselor and I wanted to go to a dude. I have been to 2 counselors both girls and i just didn't like them much. In my experience (which isn't much I know but I do have some) girls are not as strait up as i would like them to be. I just want them to tell me what they think don't be like well maybe and get all soft or whatever just tell me you tard. I figure a guy is more likely to just be like hey this is whats wrong with the way you're trying to do things and this is what you should do to fix it and you're doing this wrong and just tell me flat out. But this counselor is a girl. She is like the only person we could find who specializes in SI. But yea hopefully it goes well. We will see. I'm hungry and its time to get ready for school... YUCK.

BUT ...

I do get out of my 3hour math class like and hour early so that's cool!

Oh man, Mr. Greenwald is making us watch a movie about animals or something, its kindu lame. Oh well, at least its not math. It's about wild life and I just watched a camel spit on some guys head and that is nasty.

ugh

I'm stuck in class and I really don't feel like doing math right now. I could leave but I would like to pass the GED so I guess I will just stay here and do nothing... well I will do math but yea whatever. Got to go to do some stuff math now... blek!

PS. I'm hungry. I would really like to eat something other than a frosty today but my stupid tooth still hurts so i guess i will be eating a frosty for lunch... AGAIN.

Can you tell I'm board? cuz I'm just rambling about nothingness. There is absolutely no point to any of this except to give me something to do besides math. Sorry if you are wasting your time reading this. I'm sure you have better things to do. You should probably just stop reading now because I still don't have anything important to say except math is dumb and I'm hungry.

Oh no he is writing problems on the board that means we all have to do group work and i don't like group work because you cant pretend to be working when your doing group work you actually have to pay attention. So I guess I'm guna go before he decides to ask me what the answer is to one of the problems. Cuz I wont know the answer cuz I am sitting at the computer typing a pointless blog.

Only 3 and 1/2 more hours till i get out of class. Hope you have more fun in the next 3 and 1/2 hours than I will be having.

But the giants calling out

my name an he laughs at me

Reminding me of all the times

I've tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me

time and time again

"Boy you'll never win,

you'll never win"


But the voice of truth tells me a different story

the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"

and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth


But the ston was just the right size

to put the giant on the ground

and the waves they don' seem so high

from on top of them looking down

I will soar with the wings of eagles

when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus

singing over me


But the voice of truth tells me a different story

The voice of truth says do not be afraid

And the voice of truth says this is for my glory

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth





I was listening to this song on on the way home from taking my mom to work and I was like wow. I have been hearing the giants voice a lot lately. He loves to remind me every day about how I have failed, how I have messed up. I wake up and say day 5 and he says you wont last much longer. Remember last time? What did you do the last time you said day 5 you failed and you have the scars to prove it. It can be very hard when you are constantly being reminded about your failures. But there are two voices. I can listen to one or the other, its my decision. See there is Satan and then there is God, there is the master of lies and the voice of truth. I can listen to whoever I want. I choose to listen to the voice of truth. God really can use anything for his glory. In my weakness He is strong. His strength shows through my weakness and He will be glorified. All I have to do is listen and obey His voice, the voice of truth.

2 Corinthians 12:9,10 Therefor I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christs sake i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Perfect Christian

I used to think that being a Christian meant you had to be perfect. No problems, no issues, no pain, you had to have everything together. When I would walk into that building on a Sunday morning or a Wednesday night I had to put my Church face on and be perfect. Now let me tell you something, I have decided that is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever believed or thought... well one of the stupidest things I have ever believed or thought. No one is perfect. All those people sitting in the pews, yea got news for you, none of them have it all together not even one of them. Even if they wont admit it every one has problems, pain, issues, everyone. Though some of us may hide it very well we are not perfect and we do not have it all together. I have decided that putting on a Church face is stupid, that is exactly what it is its just a face, a mask, it is being someone you are not, it is a lie. We have all heard the saying "Christians aren't perfect just forgiven." You can say that all you want but until we as Christians believe it and live it well then it will only continue to be a saying. Something to get you out of a jam when you do mess up. If we would live exposed, share our pain our hurt, if we would talk about the issues and the problems then there would be no reason to play the part of a perfect christian. There is no such thing. To be honest with you I am scared to walk into that building. I am scared to sit in that pew. I have grownup in that church, with a majority of those people. And along with most of them I would put on my church face every time i walked through those doors. Until recently, when the pain could no longer be hidden. Over time I have realised that I don't want to hide it. I don't want to be that person. I have been spending so much time trying to figure out who I am. I feel like I have lost myself in all of this. I continually see myself as a failure and a cutter but a good friend recently pointed out to me that I am so much more then this cutter that I see myself as. and that's when I realised that I don't have to be thins person. I don't have to be the perfect christian, the girl that cuts, all the things that i was in the past all the things that I see myself as now, that is not who I want to be, that is not who I am. When people see me I want them to see that I am human and I make mistakes like everyone else. I want to be someone people feel safe talking to. I want them to see that I am real, that what you see is what you get. I want people to see that I am a week human being but a strong christian. That is what I want. I want people to know that I am a sinner. There is a verse in 1 John chapter 1 that says "If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and His word has no place in out lives." If I try to get back into this whole perfect christian act I'm just making God look like a liar and well making God look like a liar... that's not ok. It is ok to be weak. 2 Corinthians chapter 12 says " But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." There for I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me." So guess what guys I am weak but God is strong and through Him I can do ALL things.