I need a....

O how I need a vacation. I just need to get out of the house. So really I don't even need a vacation I just need a brake. I need to get away from the fam... well not all of them just some of them. Don't get me wrong I love my family, all of them, it's just that some of them have this ability to drive me insane. I can only take so much then I just get to a point where I need to get away. My family is not the only thing I need to get away from I just need to get away from my house and the things in it. Like my computer, my room, some of the things in my room. I just need to get out for a while, not a long time just a few days. I just need to be able to think and not have anything there to interrupt my thoughts. I need to be able to think with out getting interrupted every 5 seconds with "Sarah come clean the kitchen" or "Sissy! Seth wont let me watch TV" or "Sarah! Tell Chloe that it's my turn to watch a show that I want to watch" or hearing some kind of loud and ridiculous argument going on between my siblings. I just need to get out of my house. Have some fun, that would be nice. That's not something I have had much of lately, fun. I just need to get away.

Why, O Lord do you stand far off?

Why do you hide yourself in times of

trouble

Psalm 10:1

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me

forever?

How long will you hide your face

from me?

Psalm 13:1

Look on me and answer, O Lord my

God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep

in death;

Psalm 13:3

My God, my God, why have you

forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me,

so far from the words of my

groaning?

Psalm 22:1

O my God, I cry out by day, but you do

not answer,

by night, and am not silent.

Psalm 22:2

But you, O Lord be not far off;

O my strength, come quickly to help

me.

Psalm 22:19

Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;

be merciful to me and answer me.

Psalm27:7

Worthless

Ok so I was talking to someone that I respect, someone that I love. I don't think he meant any harm by what he said. I don't think he was trying to upset me, he was just messing with me, he always messes with me but what he said got me thinking. What he said might have some truth to it. This is what he said ; You have no life. You don't go to school you don't have your GED, you have no licence and have no job. Kindu harsh maybe but it's true. I am a high school dropout, I don't have my GED yet, I cant find a job and I don't have my licence. I don't have a life. So why am I here? What is the point? I don't know it just kindu made me think and I already felt crappy today and now I just feel worse. I don't get it, I don't get why I'm here. I am trying to think of a word or way to describe what I feel. Hum worthless, that's the word, worthless. I just feel worthless. There is a lot happening in my life right now, not exactly good things and then on top of that someone had to go and remind me that I am a high school dropout who cant find a job and does not even have a licence. I mean can you see how that wouldn't exactly put an extra bounce in someones step? Like I said I just feel worthless and being told that I have no life didn't do much except give me a few more reasons to feel that way. Like I said I know he wasn't trying to be mean or make me feel like crap but that's what happened. I don't know maybe I took him to serious maybe I should have just laughed along and left it at that. Maybe I am looking to much into what he said. Maybe I am over reacting, I don't know.

So today is going, slowly but surly its going. It is dark outside, kindu gloomy out and it's making me feel kindu gloomy...I don't like it. My shoulder is killing me. I'm not sure why, I think I slept on it wrong last night. All I know is that my shoulder hurts. Man I'm hungry. Trisha and Sean went to go get lunch like 10 minutes ago so they should be back soon with my food. Maybe when I get some food in my system I will feel better. So it's getting darker outside even as I type this. I really hate when it is dark out and it is the middle of the day. It just kindu looks sad outside. No sun, no white puffy clouds, no bright blue sky, its just dark. Its not even raining it is just darkness, its dumb and I don't like it.

Oh man Trisha and Sean are here with food, I'm guna go eat. I will come back to this later.

Ok I'm back, food was good and my stomach is no longer growling. So it's not too dark outside anymore but I am still feeling kind of gloomy. So I guess the weather had nothing to do with it. Don't really know. Got a phone call from my Uncle. I don't know why but whenever he calls it just kindu makes my day a little better. I don't hear from him much since he lives up north but every once in a while I will get a call from him asking how I'm doing and all that. So yea that kindu made the day a little better. Well I'm guna get off this computer Sean is yelling at me to wright my Bio but I don't exactly feel like doing that. Oh well.

So
Today
Was
LAME,
Counciling
SUCKED,
and
I
Can't
Sleep

What to do...
What to do...
What to do...

Work

Just in case
I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices

I don't have a line of prospects
That can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to
That can bring me sweet release

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Empty spaces
With shadows hit by streetlights
Warning signs and weight
Of tired conversations

In the absence of a shoulder
In the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction
On the eve of bittersweet

Now all the demons look like prophets
And I'm living out
Every word they speak
Every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone

I have no fear of drowning
Its the breathing that's taking all this work

More sad than usual

So today I'm just kindu sad, more than usual. Today has been a good day I had a doughnut for breakfast and it's firehouse day at the office. No one has said anything or done anything to upset me. I have not gotten any bad news today. Most would consider it a fairly decent day. I don't know I'm just feeling extra sad depressed if you will. I just kindu woke up like this, some times that happens, I just wake up and really see no point to getting out of bed. See I have been refusing to except the fact that I am depressed because it is just normal, it's a normal feeling to me. I feel like this a lot. Even in middle school I felt like this. I think it is a more constant feeling now then it was back then, but it's become normal. But the more people tell me you're depressed and the more I learn about depression I begin to see that I am depressed. Why am I depressed? That is a question I would love to have the answer to! I honestly don't know why I'm depressed I just know that I am. I don't know how to fix it but I'm hoping that this counseling thing will be able to solve some of this. My councilor wants me to take a little quiz or survey to see exactly how depressed I am. I don't want to be depressed and I think that's been part of the problem. I have not wanted to accept that something is wrong so I just ignore it. Put on a happy face and act like it's all good. Really that did more harm than good, just made things worse. I used to think this is me, this is who I am and there's nothing anyone can do about it, but the more I sit back and think the more I begin to realize that this is not me, I don't want this to be me, I don't like feeling like this, and I need help. I think that the things going on at this point in my life have just kindu made it all worse. I don't know how to handle it all. I just feel like life is to much right now. There is so much going on, so much stress. How do you handle it all? It's just not helping. So today I just feel extra sad. Why? That would be the million dollar question. Life stinks. I guess I will have to just suck it up and deal. God won't give me more than I can handle right? So why do I feel like I can't handle it? I don't know, I'm running out of ideas, out of ways to "deal". Nothing actually permanently fixes the problem none of my ideas are permanent. They are only temporary fixes. I'm so sick of temporary fixes, I want things to get better and I want them to stay that way. You know?

David and Me

So I was reading the book of Psalm and as I'm reading I'm thinking to myself wow this book is pretty cool. I can relate to a lot of the questions that David asked God. I'm asking God a lot of those questions right now. The cool thing is that as I continue to read this book the questions that I ask get answered because David already asked these questions and then when God answered him he recorded the answer. Another thing I have noticed as I read this book is how his moods change. How often he asks the same questions over and over again and then receives the same answerer each time. He goes from feeling happy and praising God to asking God why He has left him and why He is not protecting him.

In one chapter he asks; "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13). Then a few chapters over he says; "I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies." (Psalm 18). THEN (yes, there's more) a few chapters over he says; "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?" (Psalm 22) I could keep going but I wont.

I cant tell you how often I do the same thing, how often I ask the same questions David asked and how often I feel down and suddenly I read things like this and I am encouraged. I am so excited because I know that God never has and never will leave me. The problem wasn't that God was not there, the problem was that I was not looking for him. It seems like I'm getting it, I understand the the problem is not Him it's me. Then something bad happens and suddenly I am back asking God where He is and why He is not helping me in my time of need, why is He not fixing my problem and taking the pain away.

Stress

Ok so first let me just say WOW I have not sat down to type a blog in a long time.
So these past few months have been kindu rough. A lot has happened and I am not exactly sure how to deal with it. People have passed away, parents have done stupid things, friends are no longer friends, the people I thought would always be there for me suddenly aren't. Not to mention this whole becoming an adult thing. I have to go to college, to go to college you need money and lots of it. Well if you didn't know, 17 year olds don't normally have a lot of money. Basically I can describe all of this in one word, stressful! How do you deal with stress? What do you do to make it go away? If someone has the answer just tell me cuz I am willing to try anything and when I say anything I am NOT kidding. I have gone to a few extremes unfortunately they did not help much, they only caused more problems. So I'm just stuck here and life sucks. I'm really hoping it gets better soon because I don't know how much more of this stress I can take.