By His wounds we are healed

So something occurred to me yesterday during our 11 o'clock service. I sang a song, a song I have heard many times, a song i have sung many times. I know this song well. But as I was singing it a light bulb went off. This song comes from Isaiah 53:5 witch says; "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed" By HIS wounds we are healed. Most of you know I have been trying to do this crazy thing that in the back of my mind I know I will never be able to do. I have been trying to heal myself. Yes that is exactly what I have been trying to do. In a way that's what cutters are trying to do they are trying to bring healing to there lives the problem is the "healing" is only temporary meaning it's not really healing at all. The bible doesn't say I will be healed by my own wounds, it doesn't say; If you are pierced for your transgressions, and crushed for your iniquities then that punishment will bring you peace and by your wounds you will be healed. NO it doesn't say that. BY HIS WOUNDS I AM HEALED. He payed the price I don't have to do anything except accept that he payed the price for my healing and take the required steps to experience that healing. I know that He is the healer and it is by his wounds that I am healed so why am I still trying to heal myself?

The Voice

Just one time.

You're not scared are you?

You big chicken.

You're already all scared up.

One more time wont hurt... you're worthless anyways.

Do it!

You're afraid, you know what fear is?

Fear is a sign of weakness.

You're not weak are you?

Do it!

You will feel better

Look at you, you're unlovable so why not just cut.

Just grab the knife.

One more scare isn't going to make a difference

Just do it!


I deal with this voice every day.
He knows exactly what to say.
He whispers in my ear
Down my spine he sends chills of fear.
He laughs in my face
Calls me a disgrace
Then he hands me a knife
And I listen

It's not a suicide attempt

Cutting is not an attempt at ending my life, it is an attempt to preserve it. I don't cut because I wish to die, I cut because without the relief that cutting brings living seems impossible. When I cut I can feel the pain, the stress, and the frustration, leaving my body and for that moment I am free from it all. But when the cuts begin to heal, scabs begin to develop, the wounds close up, my feelings become trapped once again with no way of escape. The moment of freedom has passed and I am trapped inside myself. Inside I am crying, desperately searching for a way out and the only way I know how to do that is to cut. It's not an attempt to end my life it is an attempt to make it a little easier. Cutting for me is more like a survival strategy. I um usually pretty careful about where I cut and when I do cut I take care of the cuts to prevent infection. It's not a careless act it's a well thought out attempt to make it through that day or moment. The problem with cutting is that the feeling of relief is temporary and cutting can also become addicting. It is not a permanent form of relief or freedom it's only temporary and it is never enough. Once you start you need more, you go from cutting once or twice to 10 times and then that's not enough so you cut 20 times and then you decide that they need to be deeper. Things can get bad and because self injury is only temporary there will never be a point of satisfaction you will ALWAYS need more. I don't suggest using self injury as a coping mechanism to anyone, it is dangerous and difficult to stop. If you have recently started cutting pleas stop, talk to someone about it, an adult you respect, someone you know will listen to you. Talk to someone you know will stand by you through your pain and help you to sort out your feelings. And stay away from the people who cast judgment because they don't understand, they only make things worse. Just know that there are better ways to deal with pain, hurt, stress, and frustration and self injury is not one of them.

Scream

"Scream"

By: ZoeGirl

Does anybody know how I feel?

Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome

Does anybody care what's going on?

Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm

For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?

Do I have to bleed for you to see me?

'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me

Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?

Where was my defense? No one heard my protest

The eyes of God were watching me

It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released

So I can breathe again

I'm on my knees

I've been marked, set apart

But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark

One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand

Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream for Him to hear me

Don't have to bleed for Him to see me

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream

I don't have to bleed

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening

And I don't have to scream

12:20ish in the AM

Okay so why am I still up at 12:20am? Cuz I can't sleep. I forgot to take my sleeping pill tonight. So I have been watching videos on you-tube because there really isn't much to do at 12am. I was watching videos on SI. So I learned that I probably shouldn't watch videos on SI especially if the video starts out saying "WARNING this video contains graphic images and may be triggering." But I found some pretty good and educational videos. I also found videos of the occasional attention seeking looser making fun of cutters and self injurers. I just have to say that these people are very lucky I will probably never meet them in person because I would probably have to smack them... in Christian love of course:D. So as I am watching these videos on SI some of them had some good songs to go along with the slide show. I learned that ZoeGirl has a song called Scream, and it's about cutting. I also heard a song by Kelly Clarkson called addicted. I have heard this song but it never really had any meaning for me until I was listening to it with SI on the brain. Ugh I'm tired and hungry.... I'm guna attempt to go to bed, we will see how that goes.

So I'm A Tad Bit Frustrated

Just as I am starting to get comfortable with myself, with my scars, I am slowly becoming comfortable in my own skin. I don't always feel the need to cover them up but I think I have just taken about 20 steps back. Being made fun of can do that. People laughing cracking jokes after they find out you self injure. Its not fun to be laughed at because of my scars, I have said this before and I will say it again I don't think SI is a joke. SI is not something to be laughed at or taken lightly. I don't SI because I hate my life. I don't SI to be cool. I don't SI for attention. I don't SI as an attempt to kill myself. I am not "emo". Yes you can be a Christian, go to church, love God, and still struggle with a sin or multiple sins, SI being one of those sins. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise they are liars.
PAUSE: This does not mean its okay to sin. But we are not perfect, no one is, God does not expect us to be perfect but he does expect us to try and strive to be like him. In short being a christian is NOT a free pass to sin. UNPAUSE
I do not live in a dark whole and pray to the devil. I am not goth or wiccan by any means. I do not hate myself. I am simply a human being who has developed bad coping skills. I am far from perfect, I sin and have struggles like everyone else. My sin is more common than you think, it is just well hidden by those who do it. It is not funny just like drug addicts, alcoholics, pornography addicts, bulimia, anorexia, smoking, and any other addictions are not funny. Don't tell me SI isn't an addiction because if you haven't tried it then you wouldn't know. That would be like me telling a smoker that smoking is not an addiction and then laughing at him because his lungs are black and he will probably die because of it. That's not funny. We don't laugh at other people and their addictions so why do we laugh at SI? So don't crack jokes like I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself. Don't pull out your razor phone and start making sawing motions across your arm and start screaming I hate my life, or why isn't this stupid razor working. Its not funny. And you think I am the one seeking attention. I don't know, I guess I will never understand why self injury is so funny. People will be people, welcome to the world.

Will I be remembered?

Will anyone care?

Would you even miss me if suddenly I wasn't there?

I drew you a picture...

I drew you a picture
It was drawn with a twist
It was drawn with a razor
It was drawn on my wrist

This picture tells a story

It's a picture of my life

It's a picture of my pain
Of my agony and strife
As I drew this picture

The blood over flowed

The pain in my life

Suddenly showed

How do you know I'm hurting

If you can not see my pain

These marks on my skin

Say what words can not explain

These scars they tell a story

It's the story of my life

It's the story of my pain

Of my agony and strife

This specific picture

I drew just for you

It's the picture that I drew

When you said our friendship

Was through

You were the inspiration

For this drawing on my wrist

And if it weren't for you

These scars would not exist

This is actually something I wrote a long time ago I just decided to post it because I think its important for people to know the affect they have on there friends when they just give up on them. It's a very negative affect, and it is not helpful to the situation. This is not geared towards one specific person. I have had multiple friendships that have been ended because people did not know what to do when they found out I struggled with self injury. I personally think that is a dumb reason to end a friendship and if they were true friends then they would have been there for me.

"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throwaway the blade."

Self-Injury Video

You know what? I really dont like math.
Also this kid in my class is WEIRD he keeps laughing and no one knows why. Like its not just snickering he BUSTS out laughing but no one has said or done anything funny we are all doing work. It is completely silent and then he just starts laughing. So weird.

My Defective Mind

So I am reading this book called Healing Is A Choice by Stephen Arterburn. Is a good book... sometimes I don't like what it says because well because its right lol but its a good book. So I am reading and it says something that really surprised me. It said "The mind we use to do so much is a defective organ." I was like WHAT? What do you mean my mind is defective?? (that's what happens when you don't finish reading) So I continued to read "It is so sick that microbiologists end up delivering mail. Pastors end up selling stocks and bonds. Married men end up in relationships with prostitutes. Woman end up living like doormats. Geniuses end up behind bars. Wealthy people shoplift. Healthy people gain 180 pounds. Mothers hit the children they love. Fathers molest the children they always dreamed of treating better they were treated. Teachers end up selling insurance. Counselors end up in inappropriate relationships with those they wanted to help. Fun and exciting people end up bolted to the security of their own homes, unable to walk out the front door. The sick mind does all this and more." After I read that I started putting my own stuff in there stuff like "Beautiful skinny girls think they are fat and become anorexic. People decided to deal with the pain life brings by cutting. The people who long for love push those who love them away because they are afraid of it." It didn't take long for me to realize that my mind is defective. I never thought of it like that. our lives can fall apart right in front of our eyes and we sit there thinking that we can find away to fix it. But do we REALLY think that we can fix it? I mean HELLO we got ourselves into this mess. If we were smart we wouldn't be in the position we are in - in the first place. "The sick mind that lead us down the wrong path is not going to somehow find the right path one day. In order to find that path we must seek help beyond ourselves. We must reach out and find the help that we need." Now I don't know about you but that is the part that I have trouble with. Reaching out. That's just hard for me but when i read this I kinda realized that I'm not guna be able to do this on my own. I need help and that's going to take a lot of work on my part. Time will not make the problem go away, I am not capable of fixing the problem. I need help its just that simple. Luckily there is this guy He goes by many names; I AM, Jehovah, Father, The Amen, Redeemer, Prince of Peace. He is the creator of universe, the Savior of the world, He is my heavenly father and he will never leave me. The best part is if I let him he can fix my defective mind.

These scars say it all. For your information yes, I am aware that I have used that saying before. "My scars say it all.". But I'm telling you now that this saying is false, the scars only tell you I'm in pain. The truth is you only see what I choose to show you. You know of nothing beyond the scars. You can think you know it all but unless you hear it from my mouth you are just as clueless as the next person. So STOP acting like you've got me figured out. There is no way you could know even the slightest bit of what I'm going through or why I cut if you still refuse to talk to me about it. It's been 8 months and you still don't want to talk, you continue to make your assumptions. When ever you want to talk let me know but until then keep your mouth shut because you DON'T know me.

Smile

People are always telling me to smile. Like smiling will make it better or take away my hurt. The reality is a smile cant cure my sorrow and a smile doesnt mean I dont have any pain. A smile means nothing if its fake. I have tried hiding my sorrows and pain behind a smile but the thing is, when your pain is this deap it will be visible no matter how big your smile or howmany masks you wear. Your heart has a way of saying the things you wont.

National Self-Injury Awareness Day

"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no formal diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."

Today is national Self Injury awareness day. We are not freaks we are just hurting.

Rescue Is Possible
Stop The Bleeding
Love Is The Movement
TWLOHA
www.twloha.com