Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I don't know how to say what I'm feeling right now. It's frustrating. I want to wright about whats going on in my head, about how I'm feeling but honestly I don't know what to say. There is so much on my mind and no words to explain it all. I feel mute. I cant speak but I want to. It's only been a few days since I cut last. All the physical effects are starting to take place. There's really no way you can deal with the effects. You just have to sit there and take it. It's fun. Come to think of it that's probably why I feel so sad right now and why I can't describe how I'm feeling very well. Should be a fun next few days.

right where he wants me

He knows it, he knows my weakness. He’s got me right where he wants me. I can here him constantly whispering in my ear, telling me what I’m doing is ok.

Just one more time he says, it's your body you can do whatever you want to it. You're going to get a new one when you get to heaven aren’t you? You screwed up and you can't repair it so why stop now. You already have scars so what’s one more? God doesn’t want you to be miserable and if this is what makes you happy then I'm sure He will be ok with it. There are stories of people in the bible who cut if they can do it why cant you? All the other people who cut are happy so at some point it will make you happy too.

It's those little things that he keeps telling me and the next thing I know I'm grabbing a hammer and busting my razor so that I can get the blade out. By the time I actually realize what I'm doing it's too late, the blood is already dripping down my arm. I did it, I cut and he is pleased but he's not happy yet. If only I could hear him.

Stupid human, you did it you screwed up... AGAIN. No one could possibly love you now. They will never forgive you. They hate you.

But he doesn’t stop there.

Why stop now? You already cut and you're bleeding. Don't you feel better? Just do it again, this will be the last time, just a few more cuts and you never have to do it again. You have been threw alot its ok this is how you cope.

With tears streaming down my face I pickup the blade and cut again, and again, and again. My arm is red and the bleeding wont stop for a while. I sit down in the silence and just wait. It's not silent for long. You would think he would leave, just let me sit and be miserable but no he has more to say.

You idiot! You did it again. Are you happy now? Do you feel better? They're never going to forgive you now. They hate you. 4 cuts! It was only supposed to be 1. You were only supposed to do it once. Now you have 4 cuts. Not to mention the burns! Do you know how ugly you look? I mean you were bad before all of this but now, wow Sarah what a mess. You disgust me.

No wonder I'm so miserable all the time. The master of lies is sitting on my shoulder feeding them to me one after another. One minute its ok to cut and the next I'm sitting there calling myself a screw up. Talk about confusing. Cutting didn’t help me. I don’t feel any better. I feel worse and now I have 4 more cuts that in time will become scars. 4 scars to add to the collection. I'm right where he wants me. He knows my weakness and I cave every time. I believe these lies and the worst part is that half the time I don't even think it's him. People tell me that's satin talking and I tell them they're crazy and move on. I'm right where he wants me. I can’t even tell when he is feeding me lies, and I actually believe them. Right where he wants me I tell you, I'm right where he wants me.

So my newest scar, a burn the size of a quarter. The strange thing is I don't regret it. If I could take it back I don't think I would. If I could go back to that moment and have a second chance to choose not to burn my self I don't think I would do anything different except add more salt. Cause my self more pain that's all I would do. Maybe I would do it in a different spot, a spot that's not so visible but I would still do it. I don't know why I feel better when I hurt myself. I don't know why I continue to cause myself pain, why I feel like pain is my only escape, the only way out. It must work or I and so many other people would not continue to do it... right?

Been there...

Counseling

Been there

done that

doesn't work

“I’ve tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn’t even matter.”
- In The End by Linkin Park.

Defeated, that’s how I’m feeling. I have tried so hard, I haven’t cut in 36 days but it doesn’t matter because I’m still miserable. Yes, I have come a long way. It used to be all I could do not to cut for 8 days. I am on day 36 now but that’s nothing compared to the rest of my life. I have been working so hard; I have been trying to fix or handover my problems, the reasons why I have been cutting. Some of them have been fixed and some of them I have been able to handover but what is the point if I‘m still miserable? It does not matter if I haven’t cut for 36 days 8 day 100 days I’m still going to be miserable, I’m still going to be sad. Don’t ask me why, it’s been that way for a long time. I was upset before I started cutting and I’m still upset now that I have stopped. So it does not matter that is been 36 days because it has been a miserable 36 days. Who wants to be miserable, sad, depressed all the time? Not me. So what good is it to stop cutting if I am miserable?

So I was talking in the blog before this about the Rob Bell thing I went to. I said I heard a story about a kid who attempted to commit suicide and the reaction from the crowd really just ticked me off. So I'm guna tell you the story cuz I want to know what you think.

See there was this kid and he was in the hospital because he attempted to commit suicide. Rob went to visit him and talk with him. He asked the kid what happened so the kid told him.

His friends parents were out of town. They had a hot tub. He went over got a toaster and plugged it in next to the hot tub. To help speed the process up he cut his arm and he started drinking. Pause, I just want to point out how much pain this kid must have been in to want to end his life at 17. He thought it would be easier to end his life then continue to live it. Ok back to the story. So he is sitting on the edge of the hot tub with his feat in the watter and a toaster plugged in next to him, bleeding and wasted. His intentions were to loose some blood and push the toaster into the watter ending his life. Because he lost a massive amount of blood he instead passed out and fell on the toaster burning his arm and sending himself to the hospital. Ok just think about it for a min. He cut himself so deeply that he lost enough blood to pass out. Again think of how much pain this kid was in to be willing to do that to himself.

So like I said I heard this story at the Rob Bell thing and I told you the reaction from the crowd ticked me off. Well you want to know what they did? They laughed. They thought it was funny. I don't know about you but I always laugh when I hear a story about a kid who attempts to kill himself... not. I don't think suicide is funny. I don't think people should laugh about the way people commit suicide. I don't think it is funny when people have pain so deep that they don't know wheat else to do except end there life. It just really upsets me that people can laugh about that, that people can hear a story about a 17 year old kid who tried to kill himself and laugh. Maybe its because I know what its like to feel like you have to cause your body physical pain to feel better. But i really didn't think people would laugh about it. Maybe I don't know some of the people I was with as well as I thought. I guess self harm is just one big joke to some people. It's a shame some people get there laughs from someones pain. I did learn that I need to be more careful who I talk to about my cutting because I might end up being the one they laugh at next.

So last night I was like super pumped. Why? Two words, Rob Bell. He was at the Hard Rock Live here in O-Town and I was going to see him. Well I got there and I was not expecting to hear him speak about what he spoke about. About half way into it I got very uncomfortable. He talked about 3 people he met who cut. He also told a story about a kid who tried to commit suicide, the reaction the crowd gave to that story upset me even more (but that's another blog). He also talked about a friend he had who just wanted to kill himself and he would just stare at his wrist. So my excitement turned into when is this thing over. Luckily I had some rubber bands on my wrist so I just started snapping them. It worked for a while till one of the people in my group told me to stop but the thing was almost over so that was good. I don't know just cant decide if I liked it or not. Like he made some good points. I was fine when he was not talking about knives or cutting or suicide. If he would have left all that out I would have loved it hands down.

This is not easy anymore. Its getting a little difficult. The first few days it was a little hard but by day 5 it was not so bad. I made up my mind that I was not going to cut and that I could quit. When I felt like cutting I just read a book or something. its not that easy now. I cant just read a book. I cant stop shaking. My hands are shaking like crazy right now. I keep getting dizzy spells and I start to feel light headed. This is not the first time I have experience this. It has happened before. I have tried to quit cutting before and a few days into it I would start shaking or getting light headed. But it has been like 30 days. I quit cutting 30 days ago and now 30 days into it I start feeling like this. What the heck?!?! I have been doing so good. Why now why does this have to happen now. I don't want to give in. I don't want to screw it up. I don't want to have to start over. But its hard. I cant stop shaking. It wont go away. What am I supposed to do? How do I make it go away? This SUCKS!

Pain

"I have never felt

Any physical pain

Stronger than

The emotional pain

That I live with"

Be still

What is God doing when I am in a bind? What is He doing when I am calling His name but get no response? Is He answering other peoples calls first? Is my problem not important enough so He moved me to the back of the line? Did He not here me the first few times? Do I need to shout louder? What is He doing when it feels like my world is about to crash in around me? Where is He when the storm hits, when the waves are getting bigger, the lightning is getting closer, the thunder is getting louder, and my boat is taking on water? What is He doing? What am I supposed to do till He get here?

So I have been asking myself this question a lot laity. I have asked this question many times before to a few different people. I have gotten a few different answers. All of them were good answers but none were really good enough, they just were not satisfying. I wanted more no I needed more.

I know You don’t always answer right away but come on Jesus, my boat is taking on water and I can’t swim, not in this mess.

The winds and the seas obey Him right? So why isn’t He saying anything? It’s only two words “be still” that’s it, that’s all He has to say and the winds and the seas will obey Him. The storm will stop.

I have been thinking what if He already said it? What if He has already said those exact words “be still”? He just did not say it to the storm. He is not telling my storm to be still He is telling me to be still. Maybe if I would just chill out I would be able to see what He is doing. If I would just be still I would see the life preserver that He threw to me. I would see Jesus waiting for me to jump to it so He can pull me out of there. I have been waiting for Him to step in and make everything stop but He is just waiting for me to jump in, to trust Him to take care of it all. Maybe I should just be still for a while an see what happens.

“Be still and know that I am God;”
Psalm 46:10
“Be still before the Lord, all mankind,”
Zechariah 2:13

It's not a joke!

You know what I can’t stand? I can’t stand when people make jokes about SI. SI is real there are people in this world that struggle with SI. It’s not a joke, it’s serious. I don’t think its funny when people walk around and make jokes like “I wish my grass was emo so it would cut it self” or talk about people who cut like they are crazy or less of a person just because they struggle with SI. It is just not okay to make comments like oh my gosh I got a C, I’m gun go cut myself or make some kind of sawing motion on your arm just to get a laugh. I don’t think it is something people need to be laughing about. Usually people who cut try to keep it to themselves, so you don’t know if you’re joking about cutting around people who cut. You make the situation worse when you joke about SI and someone who struggles with it hears you. Just because you don’t think your friends struggle with SI doesn’t mean that they don’t. Just because you don’t struggle with SI that does not mean that your friends or family or people around you don’t struggle with SI. Just because I’m not wearing all black and walking around with my head down does not mean I don’t struggle with SI. Just because other people dress in all black and walk around with there head down does not mean that they do struggle with SI. And just because you don’t struggle with SI and I do does not make you any better than me. SI is not something to joke about. I’m sick of hearing people talk about it like its nothing; people cut weather you don’t think anyone you know cuts or not it happens. It is more common than you think, and it’s not as funny as you think. So think before you speak.

alright

I'm alright

Trouble may find me

But it's not going to keep me down

Because I'll hold on tight

To the father who loves me

He cares for me

So I'm going to be alright

My day

So today I was driving to church (I'm in the car alone) and I am stopped at a red light (I'm in the front of the line). Some creepy looking guy walks across the street and he stares at me and smiles at me like the entire time he is crossing the street. It was the scariest thing of my life! Then after church I went to get pizza from papa johns and I got lost. But only because they moved it to a different location and they did not even bother to tell me. Also I had to get gas and did not know how to get gas so yea I definitely felt special. And then after small groups tonight I had to go get my sister from the Pergrems house so I followed Tonya because I did not know how to get there. Then I had to go back to church to get my mom and brothers but I forgot how to get there so I got lost and then eventually found my way back to church. Oh and the radio in my moms van is possessed because as I'm driving back to the church it just like suddenly decided to turn the volume up on the radio by itself! I was not even touching the volume thing and it freaked me out I was like um okay possessed car!

Think before you speak... please.

You know who you are.

You are obviously so much better than me. Look at me I am a cutter, apparently that means I'm crazy and don't belong here. I am not a Christian, how could I be? Cutting is sin. A sinner calling them self a Christian? How is that possible? Now I know I'm not a christian anymore, because I started cutting and all, but I remember something in the bible about ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. I don't know you might want to check the New Testament, I'm pretty sure its in the book of Romans, Romans 3:23 but I'm not positive. You know this whole cutting thing and not being a christian anymore might have messed with my memory too. Again I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure that Jesus died on the cross for all man kind (even the cutters) and we are all His children and He loves all of us. But you're the christian so I will let you look that up. Shoot you must be a saint, I guess that bible is wrong, all have not sinned, because if you sinned then you wouldn't be a christian anymore either.

So in case you have not been able to tell I'm being sarcastic. You have sinned and in Gods eyes a sin is a sin, cutting, lying, killing, lust, its all the same to God. And you know what? I really don't think that you have the authority to tell me I'm not a christian, last time I checked that was Gods call and you are definitely not God. So I really don't care if you say I'm not a christian because what you say doesn't matter. You have sinned, you are no better then me or any other person who walks the earth now, has walked the earth in the past, and who will walk this earth in the future. If you need to look at me and my flaws just to feel better about you and your flaws then that's fine with me. But don't ever speak to me about it again because I really don't want to hear what you have to say if it is just going to be some negative comment about how I messed up. Lets not state the obvious here.

Love is the movement?

Rescue is Possible.
Stop the Bleeding
Love is the Movement

When I first herd that, I did not understand why Love was the movement. What made them decide to make love the movement? Why was Love the focus?

Rescue is possible
Stop the bleeding
Love is the movement

The first two made sense to me. Rescue is possible; people need to know that rescue is possible. I didn’t think rescue was possible, I did not think I would be able to quit cutting.
Stop the bleeding; we need to stop the bleeding, we need to get the word out that cutting does more harm than good. You can’t continue to cut forever, the bleeding has to stop.
But the love part I just didn’t get. Why love? Why is Love the movement? Why did they choose to stick that part in there? Well I get it now. I have had so many people who have told me I am stupid, who have told me I am crazy, I have even had people tell me that I am not a Christian, all because I cut. If I did not have people in my life who encouraged me, who LOVED me, who told me that I could stop cutting, people who encouraged me to get help, people I could talk to and know that they would not look at me differently or love me any less. If those people were not there I would be in bad shape. If all I had were people telling me I was stupid and God would never forgive me, if all I had were people tearing me down then I would not be where I am right now. That is why love is the movement. Love is HUGE. We human beings need to know we are loved. That is how we were designed, we need to know we are loved. I would rather hear I love you and I don't want you hurting yourself anymore verses your stupid and I cant believe your doing this I never want to speak to you again. I mean who would you listen to the person who loves you or the person who thinks your stupid and never wants to talk to you again? Love it the movement.

So, for the past oh I don’t know, 3 months I have been cutting. Yep I'm a cutter. Life got to be too much to handle (in my opinion) so I took matters into my own hands. I always take things into my own hands. You see that right there is the problem. I take matters into my own hands and when I can't carry anymore "stuff" life becomes "too much". But here is the part I was missing; I was not made to carry all the pain that life can bring, because I can't handle it. I am not strong enough. I started cutting because life became too much for me to handle on my own. I had to find a way to escape the pain. The pain I could not control, the pain that never went away, the pain that was not caused by an injury to the flesh but by an injury to the heart. You can't see an injured heart like you can see someones injured hand, or leg. People with injured hearts don't limp around or take pain medication to ease the pain. There is no medication for an injured heart, well no medication that can be bought at CVS or Walgreen’s. That was the problem there was nothing I could do for my pain no medicine I could take no bandage I could put on. So I had to find something, I had to find a pain that I could control, I needed a way to forget about the emotional pain. So I decided I would try cutting out, I decided to see if it would do the trick. Well let me tell you the first cut hurt a lot more then I expected. That cut made me forget about the emotional pain I was in because I was now in physical pain. Not to mention the distractions that came from the cut. I had to stop the bleeding, I had to find a way to hid my scars, I planed a story just in case someone saw my scars. My mind was on other things. But as soon as the bleeding stopped and the scar was covered I remembered, I remembered why I cut in the first place so I had to cut again to forget. It was an ongoing cycle. I cut to forget about the emotional pain but as soon as the physical pain went away the scar that was left reminded me of my emotional pain so I cut again. Cutting did not make any of my pain go away, my pain was only masked by more pain. That does not sound like a very good plan to me. It actually sounds kindu stupid. As time went by and I cut a few more times it got to the point that 1 cut was not enough anymore. I had to cut twice or maybe 3 times, I had to find a way to cause myself more pain because one cut was not enough to make me forget anymore. Now I don’t know about you but to me it does not sound like cutting is helping. To me it sounds like things are getting worse. I took things into my own hands and now I am a cutter with scars, I have scars on my arm, my side, my stomach, and my leg, not to mention the emotional pain that I still have to deal with because cutting did not make it go away. See I can't handle it. I am not strong enough.
BUT...
I do know someone who can handle it, someone who is strong enough. He is someone who loves me so much that He sent His only son here; to this sinful disgusting place that I call home, to die on a cross for me for us. His son was beaten and bruised so that I did not have to be, his son took that beating for me, so that I did not have to have scars on my arm or my stomach or anywhere. His son took the sins of the world, all the pain, the heartache, and He placed it on His shoulders. He is strong enough. He is so much bigger than this world, then the pain in this world, He is much bigger than me. He can carry my pain for me no problem all I have to do is give it to Him. I have to surrender my control. He said "Come to me, ALL you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matt 11:28). You see I fall under that category of all (and so do you). He wants me to come to Him, with all my baggage all my pain and He wants me to surrender it to Him ALL of it and He will take care of it. Now that sounds like a good plan. No cuts no scars just healing, just me and God working together to get through life. He never promised me that life would be easy but He did promise to help me get through it. The pain wont stop here, just because I haven’t cut for 21 days just because I have given him my pain just because I am trusting Him to take control does not mean it will be easy from here on out. I have to let him have control forever and when the storms hit and its raining and thundering and the lighting is getting closer I have to look to Him and know that He will not let anything that WE can not handle come our way. And with God I can handle all things because it is Him who gives me the strength. I can’t handle things on my own and I can't take matters into my own hands but with God I can do all things.

I got a...

FISH! I finally got my fish. He is a blue Betta and his name is Ocean. Now there is a story behind this fish. You see one day I was watching Zoe and Mackenzie. I mentioned that I wanted a fish and Zoe heard me. She began to tell me what color fish I should get and what I should name him. I was told to get a blue fish and name him Ocean. Now so you know Zoe is about 6. You should also know that this happened maybe a month or two ago. Just about every time I have seen her she asks me "Hey Sarah, did you get Ocean yet?" I was beginning to realise that she was not going to stop asking me if I got my fish till I actually got my blue fish and named him Ocean. So today I decided I was going to get my fish. I got to the store and realised that I forgot what color I was supposed to get. I had to call Zoe and ask her what color fish I was supposed to get and what I was supposed to name him. After she told me the color and the name she then informed me that she would be coming over to see the fish so I said okay. Now I have a blue fish named Ocean. I got him a plant and green rocks to go in the bottom of his bowl. Now I just have to decide where to put him.

Remember...

Some days life just sucks
But all days God is in control

So, I'm feeling a little...

Sad

Lost

Mad

Hurt

Tired

Alone

Stuck

Angry

Bored

Pissed

Stressed

Trapped

Confused

Frustrated

Depressed

I need a....

O how I need a vacation. I just need to get out of the house. So really I don't even need a vacation I just need a brake. I need to get away from the fam... well not all of them just some of them. Don't get me wrong I love my family, all of them, it's just that some of them have this ability to drive me insane. I can only take so much then I just get to a point where I need to get away. My family is not the only thing I need to get away from I just need to get away from my house and the things in it. Like my computer, my room, some of the things in my room. I just need to get out for a while, not a long time just a few days. I just need to be able to think and not have anything there to interrupt my thoughts. I need to be able to think with out getting interrupted every 5 seconds with "Sarah come clean the kitchen" or "Sissy! Seth wont let me watch TV" or "Sarah! Tell Chloe that it's my turn to watch a show that I want to watch" or hearing some kind of loud and ridiculous argument going on between my siblings. I just need to get out of my house. Have some fun, that would be nice. That's not something I have had much of lately, fun. I just need to get away.

Why, O Lord do you stand far off?

Why do you hide yourself in times of

trouble

Psalm 10:1

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me

forever?

How long will you hide your face

from me?

Psalm 13:1

Look on me and answer, O Lord my

God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep

in death;

Psalm 13:3

My God, my God, why have you

forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me,

so far from the words of my

groaning?

Psalm 22:1

O my God, I cry out by day, but you do

not answer,

by night, and am not silent.

Psalm 22:2

But you, O Lord be not far off;

O my strength, come quickly to help

me.

Psalm 22:19

Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;

be merciful to me and answer me.

Psalm27:7

Worthless

Ok so I was talking to someone that I respect, someone that I love. I don't think he meant any harm by what he said. I don't think he was trying to upset me, he was just messing with me, he always messes with me but what he said got me thinking. What he said might have some truth to it. This is what he said ; You have no life. You don't go to school you don't have your GED, you have no licence and have no job. Kindu harsh maybe but it's true. I am a high school dropout, I don't have my GED yet, I cant find a job and I don't have my licence. I don't have a life. So why am I here? What is the point? I don't know it just kindu made me think and I already felt crappy today and now I just feel worse. I don't get it, I don't get why I'm here. I am trying to think of a word or way to describe what I feel. Hum worthless, that's the word, worthless. I just feel worthless. There is a lot happening in my life right now, not exactly good things and then on top of that someone had to go and remind me that I am a high school dropout who cant find a job and does not even have a licence. I mean can you see how that wouldn't exactly put an extra bounce in someones step? Like I said I just feel worthless and being told that I have no life didn't do much except give me a few more reasons to feel that way. Like I said I know he wasn't trying to be mean or make me feel like crap but that's what happened. I don't know maybe I took him to serious maybe I should have just laughed along and left it at that. Maybe I am looking to much into what he said. Maybe I am over reacting, I don't know.

So today is going, slowly but surly its going. It is dark outside, kindu gloomy out and it's making me feel kindu gloomy...I don't like it. My shoulder is killing me. I'm not sure why, I think I slept on it wrong last night. All I know is that my shoulder hurts. Man I'm hungry. Trisha and Sean went to go get lunch like 10 minutes ago so they should be back soon with my food. Maybe when I get some food in my system I will feel better. So it's getting darker outside even as I type this. I really hate when it is dark out and it is the middle of the day. It just kindu looks sad outside. No sun, no white puffy clouds, no bright blue sky, its just dark. Its not even raining it is just darkness, its dumb and I don't like it.

Oh man Trisha and Sean are here with food, I'm guna go eat. I will come back to this later.

Ok I'm back, food was good and my stomach is no longer growling. So it's not too dark outside anymore but I am still feeling kind of gloomy. So I guess the weather had nothing to do with it. Don't really know. Got a phone call from my Uncle. I don't know why but whenever he calls it just kindu makes my day a little better. I don't hear from him much since he lives up north but every once in a while I will get a call from him asking how I'm doing and all that. So yea that kindu made the day a little better. Well I'm guna get off this computer Sean is yelling at me to wright my Bio but I don't exactly feel like doing that. Oh well.

So
Today
Was
LAME,
Counciling
SUCKED,
and
I
Can't
Sleep

What to do...
What to do...
What to do...

Work

Just in case
I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices

I don't have a line of prospects
That can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to
That can bring me sweet release

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Empty spaces
With shadows hit by streetlights
Warning signs and weight
Of tired conversations

In the absence of a shoulder
In the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction
On the eve of bittersweet

Now all the demons look like prophets
And I'm living out
Every word they speak
Every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone

I have no fear of drowning
Its the breathing that's taking all this work

More sad than usual

So today I'm just kindu sad, more than usual. Today has been a good day I had a doughnut for breakfast and it's firehouse day at the office. No one has said anything or done anything to upset me. I have not gotten any bad news today. Most would consider it a fairly decent day. I don't know I'm just feeling extra sad depressed if you will. I just kindu woke up like this, some times that happens, I just wake up and really see no point to getting out of bed. See I have been refusing to except the fact that I am depressed because it is just normal, it's a normal feeling to me. I feel like this a lot. Even in middle school I felt like this. I think it is a more constant feeling now then it was back then, but it's become normal. But the more people tell me you're depressed and the more I learn about depression I begin to see that I am depressed. Why am I depressed? That is a question I would love to have the answer to! I honestly don't know why I'm depressed I just know that I am. I don't know how to fix it but I'm hoping that this counseling thing will be able to solve some of this. My councilor wants me to take a little quiz or survey to see exactly how depressed I am. I don't want to be depressed and I think that's been part of the problem. I have not wanted to accept that something is wrong so I just ignore it. Put on a happy face and act like it's all good. Really that did more harm than good, just made things worse. I used to think this is me, this is who I am and there's nothing anyone can do about it, but the more I sit back and think the more I begin to realize that this is not me, I don't want this to be me, I don't like feeling like this, and I need help. I think that the things going on at this point in my life have just kindu made it all worse. I don't know how to handle it all. I just feel like life is to much right now. There is so much going on, so much stress. How do you handle it all? It's just not helping. So today I just feel extra sad. Why? That would be the million dollar question. Life stinks. I guess I will have to just suck it up and deal. God won't give me more than I can handle right? So why do I feel like I can't handle it? I don't know, I'm running out of ideas, out of ways to "deal". Nothing actually permanently fixes the problem none of my ideas are permanent. They are only temporary fixes. I'm so sick of temporary fixes, I want things to get better and I want them to stay that way. You know?

David and Me

So I was reading the book of Psalm and as I'm reading I'm thinking to myself wow this book is pretty cool. I can relate to a lot of the questions that David asked God. I'm asking God a lot of those questions right now. The cool thing is that as I continue to read this book the questions that I ask get answered because David already asked these questions and then when God answered him he recorded the answer. Another thing I have noticed as I read this book is how his moods change. How often he asks the same questions over and over again and then receives the same answerer each time. He goes from feeling happy and praising God to asking God why He has left him and why He is not protecting him.

In one chapter he asks; "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13). Then a few chapters over he says; "I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies." (Psalm 18). THEN (yes, there's more) a few chapters over he says; "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?" (Psalm 22) I could keep going but I wont.

I cant tell you how often I do the same thing, how often I ask the same questions David asked and how often I feel down and suddenly I read things like this and I am encouraged. I am so excited because I know that God never has and never will leave me. The problem wasn't that God was not there, the problem was that I was not looking for him. It seems like I'm getting it, I understand the the problem is not Him it's me. Then something bad happens and suddenly I am back asking God where He is and why He is not helping me in my time of need, why is He not fixing my problem and taking the pain away.

Stress

Ok so first let me just say WOW I have not sat down to type a blog in a long time.
So these past few months have been kindu rough. A lot has happened and I am not exactly sure how to deal with it. People have passed away, parents have done stupid things, friends are no longer friends, the people I thought would always be there for me suddenly aren't. Not to mention this whole becoming an adult thing. I have to go to college, to go to college you need money and lots of it. Well if you didn't know, 17 year olds don't normally have a lot of money. Basically I can describe all of this in one word, stressful! How do you deal with stress? What do you do to make it go away? If someone has the answer just tell me cuz I am willing to try anything and when I say anything I am NOT kidding. I have gone to a few extremes unfortunately they did not help much, they only caused more problems. So I'm just stuck here and life sucks. I'm really hoping it gets better soon because I don't know how much more of this stress I can take.