Do you mean it?

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandon in awe of the one who gave it all I'll stand my sole lord to you surrendered all I am is yours."

So in church this morning we were singing this song. I love to sing, I love to worship. My God is worth worshipping. But I have this problem, I don't like singing words and not being able to follow through with the words I am singing. When I sing a song of praise and worship I am singing it to God. Through song I am telling him that I am going to do this or thanking him for doing that, the words are to him. They are not just words they have meaning, you're not just singing along you are praising God, the words you are singing are to and for him. I don't like singing the song if its something I don't feel I can follow through with. I want to be able to sing and tell God that I'll stand with my heart abandon and my sole surrendered but to be honest I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. It's hard to surrender. I would love to be able to say that ALL I am belongs to Jesus Christ but I know that if I were to sing those words I would be lying. The truth is that all I am is split. Part of me belongs to him but the rest of me belongs to me. I know that there are parts of me and parts of my life that I am still holding on to. There are things that I just cant seem to let go of. Oh I want to let them go. I want to surrender, I want all of me to belong to him, but it is so hard. It is hard to deny my flesh. How can I sing words that I don't mean? How can I tell my God, my father that every part of me belongs to him when it doesnt? How can I tell him that I will stand with arms high and heart abandon, with my sole surrendered to him but not go through with it? Maybe one day I will sing those words and mean them but today I just couldn't do it. It brakes my heart to know that he died so that I might live and have eternal life and I cant even tell him that all I am is his. I hope that one day I will get to that point, to the point where all of me is his, to a point where I can abandon my heart and surrender my sole. Maybe one day I will have the strength to do so but that day was not today. I don't know how long it will take for me to get to that point but I will get there. One day I will sing that song and mean from the bottom of my heart every last word. I wont just be singing it I will be living it. One day.

Can I be honest? Can I be completely and total honest? I dont want to show up at church and have people looking at me differently. I dont want to walk in to the living room and have my parents all concerned. Not that it really matters what i right on here because my parents are already concerned and people at church do look at me differently. That's just what happens when you cut yourself. But any ways back to being honest. To be honest I'm not happy. I'm not a happy kid, or adult, or teenager... I dont know whatever I am I'm not a happy one. And to be honest I'm tired of pretending to be. But what can I do? I kindu have to put on that smile dont I? I mean what would people think if I was walkin around sad all the time? The only time I can show how I'm feeling is behind closed doors. Be hind my locked door is the one place I dont have to wear a mask. I guess that is why I spend so much time in my room.

The Urge

I was recently asked what the urge to cut feels like. I have never really thought about what the urge feels like but I am going to do my best at answering this question.

The urge to cut is unpleasant. I think it’s different for everyone but for me it starts out as a simple voice telling me to do it. It’s a calm voice just simply suggesting I should cut. But if I say no thanks the voice gets louder and louder until I cant focus on anything else. My skin begins crawling and my body begs for something sharp anything to pierce the skin and bring release. I feel like I HAVE to do it or I cant go on. My chest gets tight like there is an elephant sitting on it and I cant breath. I start to panic and begin shaking. Sometimes I cant sit still and I constantly have to move, pacing back and forth across my room. It's just an awful feeling, like you have no control. You are screaming inside. Every part of you is longing to feel that blade drag across your arm and you have to dig deep down and find that part of you, that small part of you that knows it will never work. Then you have to fight the urge.

Quotes

"I'm an average girl, and sometimes I wish I could be more than that... to exceed excellence. As the days seem to go on endlessly, I wait for the someday I've been promised. That someday when things are supposed to be perfect... the someday when I find my place in this unforgiving world."

"I think we are all grateful of the man who invented razors, where would we be without the blades? We would be no one, at least with the blade we are someone. We are what we carve into ourself."

"Sometimes I sit and watch the ink leak from my pen. It comforts me to know something else bleeds the way I do."

"I have a tendency to hurt my self physically when i'm really hurting emotionally"

"Did it surprise you that I am not who you thought I was? Did it surprise you to find that I don’t exactly stand for what you thought I stood for all along? Did it surprise you to find that I'm not exactly how I played myself out to be? That the person you thought I was is actually nothing to what I am. Doesn't it amaze you how the most carefree people who can wear the biggest smile on their face, are the ones who are crying tears of ice alone in their bedroom to cover every part of their depression. Don't let this change anything. For now you know who I am once the darkness hits and I'm alone in my room. I can still be the person you and everyone else thought I was. For that is the person I have played to be for so many years."

"In a world full of Cheerios be a Fruit loop"

"She stood tall, all her insecurities shining for the whole world to see, and she smiled."

"Those who say only sunshine brings happiness have never danced in the rain"

"The truth is, I still haven't talked about it. The depression is the same no matter how many masks I wear. It suffocating, there's no escape. It's agony, and I know it's my life. At times it leaves, but it never fully goes away, not completely. Then there are times when I don't want to eat, I can't fully funtion. It's the most intense pain anyone could ever feel. The smile I wear is just a cover-up. It's bearing down on me. I tell myself there is no cure for this excruciating pain. Happiness is an ongoing battle, a state of mind, something I'll be fighting with for the rest of my life. So I continue to wear the mask of the person everyone wants me to be because they would not come close to fully understanding who I really am. "

Sarcasm

Can you say bad day? What about bad week? I love bad days. I really love when those bad days happen one after another and turn into a bad week, it's just so much fun.

So I have realized that I have just kindu shut down. Ever since I got back from Haiti I have shut down. I don't do anything, I don't go outside, I don't watch TV, I don't talk to my family, I don't blog, I don't like going out with people. I don't know what I'm feeling because I haven't taken the time to sort out my feelings, I have just shut down. I have been so emotionally drained. What I saw in Haiti was so disturbing and upsetting, it was just wrong, it was all wrong. People should not have to live like that. I don't care who you are, what you have done, what color your skin is, what your last name is, where you are born, I don't care. No person should have to live the way some of these people live. No child should have to go to bed hungry. No mother should have to choose which of her starving children get to eat that day, if any. It just should not be that way. People should not have to bathe in the same water they urinate in. Kids should not have to dig through piles of garbage to find an article of clothing. It should not work that way but it does and I'm just not sure how to handle it.