nothingness

Oh man i haven't blogged in a while. Been kindu busy lately well not really just work other than that I haven't done much except sleep. I feel like work is taking over my life...it's not ok. I'm going to church at discovery this morning. The service is at 12:30 so I got to sleep...it was good. I forgot my blow dryer so I my hair is still wet from my shower and I need to leave at like 11:45ish...so yea not ok. No wait its not just wet its wet and curly...I need it to dry so i can straiten it. Also I cut myself shaving it's just like a little nick but it hurts :(. I cant fig out how to work the TV here either...can you say not cool?? ok well I'm guna go stand by the fan and see if it will help m hair dry if my hair dont dry i aint going to church and i want to do but i aint goin looking homeless so lets hope this fan can dry my hair fast enough that i still have time to straiten it and peace out for church.

1 Corinthians 3:16-17
Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple.

Lets Go Lakers!!!

Sorry Everyone

Sorry everyone who has been trying to comment my blog. I have gotten a few e-mails saying that people cant comment. I dont know whats up I think my blog has a mind of its own...the problem should be fixed now.

Sarah

I Need To Talk

I need to talk, I need to talk so much more than I do right now. I need to be honest with people. I just want someone to know the truth. I want them to know what has happened in my life and dont want to have to continue to hid it. So much pain is beginning to surface. God is cleaning house. He is bring back thoughts and memories that I have tried so hard to shove to the back of my mind. Things that no one knows about, things that I have kept secret for years things that I convinced myself never happened. I need to talk but talking is just so hard, I don't know if I can.

I Hate Summer

I hate summer. I want to go swimming but I cant. I want to wear shorts but I cant. I want to wear tank tops but cant. I want to go to the beach but I cant. All the stuff that you get to do in the summer I cant do because of nasty looking scars. I hate summer.

Anxiety Kills

It really does, it sucks. I hate anxiety, I hate that I have to deal with it so much. I hate that my anxiety gets so bad that I feel sick. Today my stomach is turning and getting physically sick seems entirely possible thanks to my anxiety. Sitting still seems impossible, my hands wont stop shaking. Anxiety kills, its really no fun. Well I'm off to work but i would much rather be curled up in a ball in my bed. When will these meds start working? UGH.

So for the first time in a long time I didn't attend church on a Wednesday night. I was going to but it didn't work out. Was guana go to Discovery but when I got there it was empty so I just went home. I guess I could have gone to FCC but I didn't feel like walking in late. I hate being late to stuff. So I just went home and went to bed. Hopefully I dont make a habit out of not going to church...that would probably be a bad habit. Its not that I dont like going to church I'm just not to fond of the one I go to anymore. I dont feel welcome there or involved, and I cant really get involved because they dont want me involved so yea not fond. I do however enjoy going to discovery and I'm learning a lot there so that's good. I dont think that my mom really likes that I go there but I like it there and she cant tell me what church to go to forever. It's not like I haven't been doing my research and talking to leaders in the church finding out what they are about. Sure some stuff i dont agree with but it's not like FCC is perfect either. If it was I wouldn't be looking for a different church to attend.

How Calming A Storm Can Be

I love going for walks. I used to do it pretty often. It's soothing, relaxing, calming, I enjoy my walks. But last night I took a walk in the rain and it was beautiful. With the thunder booming and the lightning flashing all around me. It was big and it was loud....it was God. It helped me to realize that there is someone bigger than all of this out there and He is powerful. I carefully made my way out to the middle of a stream, sat down on a rock and watched the lightning flash and listened to the thunder roar. It was amazing. I looked up and let the rain wash over me and it was refreshing. I watched as the people around me ran to their cars or rushed into their homes but not me. They were probably trying to figure out what that crazy girl was doing sitting on a rock surrounded by water in the middle of a huge storm. I never thought a thunderstorm could be so soothing. I remember when I was little they scared me have to death. I hated them. Who'd have thought that a few years down the road I would look out my window on a sunny day and pray that God would send me a storm. Next time it rains don't rush inside or pull out the umbrella, go take a walk, listen to God, look at his power, and let him wash over you. You will be surprised at how calming a storm can be.

The Beast

Here it goes again, trapped in these endless agonizing hours. Unable to silence that within me that cries out for release. This nameless faceless anxiety that refuses to cease. And all the benadryl, long walks, and desperate pleading in the world could not tame this beast.

The painful reality is I know what will. I possess the knowledge of the remedy…something that works each and every time or so it seems. My skin crawls, every cell in my body, and every ounce of my being begs for the blade…the blood…the pain. That tiny sliver of mettle pressed against my skin, that is my remedy.

But I can not allow this beast to consume me…devouring me and swallowing my progress and steps forward. I know a light exists at the end of this dark cold tunnel even if fear chokes its glow for these few endless hours.

And so I wait in hungry expectation for the gift of sleep, or the brilliance of morning, satisfied with whichever comes first.

"With this knife I cut the ties and set the pain adrift."

Oh I wish I could cut the ties and set my pain adrift but I know it would noever work. I have tried it so many times before. Over 100 scars on my left arm and still my pain lingers. I am hanging by a tread today, a thin thread that could snap any moment. 33 days, I have been doing good for 33 days. I have been taking it day by day. Yesterday I was doing good, sunday I was doing ok, saturday I was doing good, friday good, but today, today not so much. Today I am hanging by a thread and it's going to snap, I can feel it. It wont take much just a little comment, a bit of bad news, or an ugly look. Its going to happen, my thread is going to snap and when it does 33 days will go down the drain. All my hard work, long agonizing moments sometimes days of denying my flesh will mean noting and I will be back at squair one. Oh what fun it will be.

Stressing

I can not handle this right now. I dont understand why this is happening. I'm trying to do the right thing and now they are all mad at me. I really dont like being told that I am hated. Do they understand what the word hate means? Hate is a very strong word and you cant just walk around saying you hate people just because they are dong something that upsets you. I am trying to help, i am doing this because this is whats best for her and in return I am being told that no one will ever trust me again and that they hate me. How can they all hate me this doesn't even concern them this is ridiculous. All I know is I cant handle this. I cant deal with it right now because it is stressing me out. And we all know by now that me being stressed is a bad thing. When I get stressed cutting becomes a huge temptation but I have come too far to cut now, I have come entirely too far and I cant let them and what they are sating get to me like this. I have not cut for 32 days and I am not about to throw that out the window. Hating me is not going to make me change my mind. This is what is going to happen, it has to happen because that is whys best and I would really appreciate it if they didn't use words that they dont know the meaning of. You can not hate me or anyone else and love God because we were all made in Gods image.