Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I don't know how to say what I'm feeling right now. It's frustrating. I want to wright about whats going on in my head, about how I'm feeling but honestly I don't know what to say. There is so much on my mind and no words to explain it all. I feel mute. I cant speak but I want to. It's only been a few days since I cut last. All the physical effects are starting to take place. There's really no way you can deal with the effects. You just have to sit there and take it. It's fun. Come to think of it that's probably why I feel so sad right now and why I can't describe how I'm feeling very well. Should be a fun next few days.

right where he wants me

He knows it, he knows my weakness. He’s got me right where he wants me. I can here him constantly whispering in my ear, telling me what I’m doing is ok.

Just one more time he says, it's your body you can do whatever you want to it. You're going to get a new one when you get to heaven aren’t you? You screwed up and you can't repair it so why stop now. You already have scars so what’s one more? God doesn’t want you to be miserable and if this is what makes you happy then I'm sure He will be ok with it. There are stories of people in the bible who cut if they can do it why cant you? All the other people who cut are happy so at some point it will make you happy too.

It's those little things that he keeps telling me and the next thing I know I'm grabbing a hammer and busting my razor so that I can get the blade out. By the time I actually realize what I'm doing it's too late, the blood is already dripping down my arm. I did it, I cut and he is pleased but he's not happy yet. If only I could hear him.

Stupid human, you did it you screwed up... AGAIN. No one could possibly love you now. They will never forgive you. They hate you.

But he doesn’t stop there.

Why stop now? You already cut and you're bleeding. Don't you feel better? Just do it again, this will be the last time, just a few more cuts and you never have to do it again. You have been threw alot its ok this is how you cope.

With tears streaming down my face I pickup the blade and cut again, and again, and again. My arm is red and the bleeding wont stop for a while. I sit down in the silence and just wait. It's not silent for long. You would think he would leave, just let me sit and be miserable but no he has more to say.

You idiot! You did it again. Are you happy now? Do you feel better? They're never going to forgive you now. They hate you. 4 cuts! It was only supposed to be 1. You were only supposed to do it once. Now you have 4 cuts. Not to mention the burns! Do you know how ugly you look? I mean you were bad before all of this but now, wow Sarah what a mess. You disgust me.

No wonder I'm so miserable all the time. The master of lies is sitting on my shoulder feeding them to me one after another. One minute its ok to cut and the next I'm sitting there calling myself a screw up. Talk about confusing. Cutting didn’t help me. I don’t feel any better. I feel worse and now I have 4 more cuts that in time will become scars. 4 scars to add to the collection. I'm right where he wants me. He knows my weakness and I cave every time. I believe these lies and the worst part is that half the time I don't even think it's him. People tell me that's satin talking and I tell them they're crazy and move on. I'm right where he wants me. I can’t even tell when he is feeding me lies, and I actually believe them. Right where he wants me I tell you, I'm right where he wants me.

So my newest scar, a burn the size of a quarter. The strange thing is I don't regret it. If I could take it back I don't think I would. If I could go back to that moment and have a second chance to choose not to burn my self I don't think I would do anything different except add more salt. Cause my self more pain that's all I would do. Maybe I would do it in a different spot, a spot that's not so visible but I would still do it. I don't know why I feel better when I hurt myself. I don't know why I continue to cause myself pain, why I feel like pain is my only escape, the only way out. It must work or I and so many other people would not continue to do it... right?