Ugh My Night Is Sucking

So basically my night is sucking. I hope she took it well that shes not freaking out. I hope it hasn't ruined her night. I hope she doesn't spend the next few days or hours with her stomach turning and he mind racing, thinking about all the things that could happen or everything they might say. I just hope she is okay, that she's not worried about what could or might happen. I hope she doesn't let it eat at her for days. I hope she knows that she cant control their reaction. Ugh I wish I could talk to her and just tell her that things will be okay. I hope she remembers that no matter what they say whether their reaction is good or bad God loves her no matter what. I hope she knows that there is nothing she can do to make God love her any less. I hope she knows and believes all the things that I didn't.

I'm Sorry

Knees are shaking, palms sweating, voice braking, heart pounding. I feel for her. I know the fear, the fear or rejection. If they love you they will stand by you everyone says but that is exactly why you are scared. You don't believe they love you. I know the feeling and I know the fear. I feel for you girl but it will all be ok I promise. Honestly I feel terrible right now. I know what is going to be going threw your head in a few hours. Your stomach will be turning and speaking will seem impossible but you can do it. I know its hard I was there, I had to do the exact same thing. I have sat in my living room with my parents and told them what you are going to tell yours. When I say I know I'm not saying it to make you feel better I'm saying it because I really know, I know from experience. I am so sorry, I wouldn't wish this feeling on any one. Part of me wishes that I didn't make you tell an adult because then this wouldn't be happening but I know that this is whats best. You have to tell them.

I'm sorry.

So today is one month of no SI.

WOOP WOOP!

Thanks Sean!!

Also thank you Sean for taking us to the NMC and planing it so that we went with FCC Kissimmee resulting in Karissa and I meeting :D

lol is that okay Sean?

So today is my first day of work and thanks to some new meds I'm taking I dont feel so hot...what a grate first day this will be. Hopefully this stuff wears off soon!!!

God Is Moving

Ok so in the past week a lot has happened. It has been a rough depressing week and it has pretty much sucked. But God placed this amazing person in my life about 4 years ago and He has been using her to move in my life so much these past few months. I am so grateful for our friendship and that she has allowed God to use her. Last night I went with her to discovery. Lately I haven't really been wanting to go to church, especially this week. But on Wednesday night and Sunday morning she came with me...so I kindu had to go cuz I couldn't make her go by herself. So Sunday night she decided she was guna go to Status at Discovery and she invited me to come with. I didn't want to go but my options were to go to Status or go Home and I didn't really want to do either. I decided to go to status and I am so glad that I did. It was so amazing I haven't been to something like that since CIY...though it's not as good as CIY that's what it reminded me of. I don't think anything will ever be as good as CIY...except Heaven. But yea it was awesome and we talked about our mission. What is our mission? Are we passionately pursuing our mission? Where is our life pointed? Is it pointed in a way of our mission or are we distracted and pointing a different way? We talked about Jesus and how He knew His mission because He knew who He was and He knew the Father. How am I supposed to know my mission if I don't know who I am and I don't know the father? I know that the direction of my life is not pointing toward my mission, I have been distracted and running on another direction. The decisions I have been making about school and just life in general have been exactly that...decisions that I have been making. I don't know where God wants me to go to school, I waned to go to Johnson because I wanted to get far away for here, from "home". I don't know where I'm going to go now, last night my plans and just everything got flipped upside down. I had all my ducks in a row and I was set, I knew what I was going to do and where I was going to go and now I have no idea what is going on except that God is moving in my life. I have tried for so long to stop Him but if death couldn't stop Him then what makes me think I can? I do know that in order to move toward my mission I need to come to know the father much better than I know Him right now and I think that if I get to know Him then He will help me learn who I am, I will learn my mission, I will know where I am supposed to go, what I am supposed to do, how to get there and it will all workout somehow. I know that the road to my mission is going to be a though one. The road is a road lass traveled. But I know that at the end of this road is a reward. If I were to take any other road I would run into a brick wall. I would never find true happiness. Disappointment and I would become best friends. The bottom line is that God is moving in my life and I can continue to try and fight it all I want but I'm only going to wear myself out. I read a quote once that said God cant fix you until you're broken. I am so sick and tired of being broken and I have learned that I cant put myself back together I have to let God.

So I love how God is just taking care of me right now. Not that He doesn't take care of me all the tome but I don't know I guess I haven't been paying much attention to what He does in my life and how He provides for me till recently. So I got a car for graduation. Yea that's right I now have a car which God provided through my uncle Bill and my other uncle Bill. Unfortunately

a car + no job = no gas

luckily God has been helping me out. He has provided me with opportunities to earn money and just when I think I'm gun hit that big red E God provides. I have had family walk up and put money in my hands, I have had opportunities to work for people in my church, I have had babysitting opportunities. God is just good like that. And I think I might have a job. I have an interview tomorrow at 10. God is good, all the time, God is good.

Starving?

Lord I want more of you,

Holy Spirit rain down on me,

Lord I need more of you,

Living Breath of Life come and fill me up.

We are hungry,

we are hungry,

we are hungry for more of you,

we are thirsty,

oh Jesus,

we are thirsty for more of you.

To live you need food and watter. Those are two very necessary things. Without watter you become dehydrated, week, you get sick, and eventually if you dont get some watter you will die. If you dont eat your body will also become week. Your body gets vitamins, sugars, fats and things from food to help keep you alive. If you dont eat you will eventually die. Dehydration and starvation are to very uncomfortable things. When your dehydrated your sick and being sick is no fun. When you are starving you are hungry but you cant get any food which would be the reason you are starving. Can you imagine how uncomfortable that would be? It is the same with our spiritual lives. We need Gods word to live. God designed us this way. We need to read his word and talk with him on a daily basis. When we starve ourselves of God and his word eventually spiritually you will die. And just like it is uncomfortable to be starved physically, it is uncomfortable to be starved spiritually. You will never be comfortable if God is not a prat of your daily life, if you dont have a relationship with him. A spiritually starved person is on their way to a spiritual death and in my opinion that is much worse than any physical death, because where you are in you walk with Christ dead or alive will determine where you go when this physical life is over.

Wednesday Night

A lot has been on my mind lately. Cathie taught Wednesday night and when Cathie teaches something always hits me and it hits pretty hard...its a good thing I know, but sometimes I don't like it. So we talked about the word BELIEVE a lot. What does the word Believe mean? What does the word Believe mean to us? What is Believing? That kind of thing. I learned that believing isn't just something you say its an action. When you say I believe you will catch me when I fall but you refuse to jump you don't really believe. You have to follow through with what you are saying otherwise believe is just a word. I started thinking what do I believe? Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I back that up with my actions? Yes. So that kinda confused me because I know I believe in God, I have a desire to tell others about him to be a missionary to live my life doing what he has told me to do. So why is there this...I don't know this distance between him and I? Why do I have a hard time trusting Him and talking to Him? I believe in Him, I believe he is real, that he is here, that he is coming back, I believe that there is only one way to heaven and that is threw Jesus Christ, I believe all of this and I have this huge desire to serve him. I'm so excited about being a missionary you don't even understand. So whats wrong? I have this amazing God who I want to live for but we are not as close as we need to be. So this comes back to that word BELIEVE. I believe in God, I believe he is real, that he loves me, that he is with me but this is the discovery I made. I discovered that I have a very hard time believing that Gods love for me is UNCONDITIONAL, I also Have a very hard time believing that he is ALWAYS with me.

Do you know what the word UNCONDITIONAL means? It means it is not limited, there are no
conditions it is absolute. His love is not restricted, it is not determined or influenced by someone or something else.
Do you know what the word ALWAYS means? It means He is with us on every occasion, without exception, all the time, forever.

I haven't met too many people like that. Come to think of it I haven't met anyone like that...ever. I guess that's why it's so hard for me to believe. But then again God's not a person is he? He's God. I cant look at him the same way i look at people. People are people and God is God. To compare him to humans or humans to Him well that just wouldn't be fair. God is perfect, he has never told a lie or broken a promise. If He says he will never leave us then He will NEVER leave us. If He says His love is unconditional then His love is UNCONDITIONAL. I have a problem trusting what God says because I have a problem trusting what people say. I have a problem BELIEVING what God says because i have a problem BELIEVING what people say. But God and people are very different because God is prefect and people are not. I can't look at him like I look at people because its not a fair comparison.

Have you ever been in so much emotional pain that it literally hurts?

CASTING CROWNS

"Set Me Free"

It hasn't always been this way

I remember brighter days

Before the dark ones came

Stole my mind

Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead

Fighting voices in my head

Hoping someone hears me crying in the night

And carries me away

Set me free of the chains holding me

Is anybody out there hearing me?

Set me free

"I'm Covered in marks of maddness,

But choosing to believe that God makes all things new."

"I can not live

I can not die

But I will not live

By this knife"

So my year has come full circle. A year ago today Alicia was killed, some punk kid thought it was okay to bust into her house and take two lives and then take his own. I will probably never understand why she had to die the way she did. We live in a sick world, and I can't wait to go home. This place is full of pain, and hurt and I'm over it. Please keep the Areseneault family in your prayers today as well as the Levitt family as to day will be a difficult day for them. And please keep the Frechou Family in your prayers, though what he did was wrong his life was also lost and his family needs our prayers.

Stress Part 2

I think a majority of my stress came about on Tuesday which was the night of the survival dinner. I had to be there instead of getting things together for my relay team leaving me very few days to get things done and ready for relay on Friday. Then I got home and a few minutes later I got a phone call that unfortunately I have gotten before, not only have I gotten that phone call before but I have made that phone call before. I think that is why it stressed me out so much. The last time I remember being out driving around looking for a loved one was when my brother ran away during a really difficult and unstable time in his life and I didn't know if i was guna find him dead or alive. I dint know if i was looking for a body lying in a ditch or a kid walking down the street so I prepared myself for the worst. That phone call I got brought back a lot of memories that i had pushed under the table in hopes that they would go away... I should no by now that things don't just "go away". So I spent the next hour, hour and a half at the most looking for a loved family member and best friend. My heart brakes for him. I have been where he is, our situations are not exactly the same but similar. Right now he doesn't think that things will get better, he just wants to run to leave it behind him, to be the though kid he is and deal with it, to ignore the problems and go on with life. That was me. I ran, I sucked it up, I ignored it, I put a smile on and pretended life was grate. I didn't think that things would get any better and things still aren't grate, I have my issues, but they are better than they were, things are getting better. I just wish he could see that running doesn't do anything. I wish he could see my scars and understand that running gets you nowhere. Running doesn't make anything better, the problems don't go away because you ignore them. When you run and ignore pain, hurt, and the bad things that happen in life it still doesn't get any better. In fact it gets worse. It hurts more, it tears you apart inside and you don't know how to deal with it. So you turn to other things, the things that the world says will make you feel better. The world told me that cutting, and self injury would make me feel better but it didn't. I have been self injuring since August, my pain hasn't gone away, my problems haven't gone away, they are still there and on top of that I now struggle with an addiction. SI started out as something I did to feel better and it has escalated to something my body craves. My problems are growing not going away. I wish he could see and understand that running and turning to the world doesn't get you anywhere. I pray that he comes to understand and see that the only thing that can bring healing to his life, that can truly make him happy is Jesus Christ. I know its hard, obviously I didn't turn to Jesus when life got tough and look at me now, not turning to Christ cost me. I could have avoided a lot of pain and damage if i would have just looked to Jesus. And sometimes I still don't look to God I turn to the blade leaving "marks of madness" all over my body. I have carved words into myself that can never be erased, I am constantly reminded of my pain. Cutting didn't bring healing, drinking wont bring healing, drugs wont bring healing, sex will not bring healing, but God will we just have to ask. I just wish he could see and learn for my mistakes. But the best thing I can do is pray right?

Stress Part 1

So I'm stressed out. It's been a stressful week. Relay for Life is tomorrow well actually its today since it's 1:00am but I don't feel like getting to technical because its stressing me out. If I wanted to get technical I would be telling you that I have to be at the GMS track in about 9 hours. Wow ok I just really stressed myself out. So that's me being smart and I just made things worse... go me! I cant wait till Sunday... can we just skip tomorrow and Saturday because if we could do that that would be really awesome. But really to be honest this has probably been one of the most stressful weeks this year... I would say of my life because that like my favorite phrase but I told you I would be honest so there you have it. Relay isn't the only reason my week has been stressful but it has played a pretty big role in my stress. As most of you know by now Sarah + Stress = Not Good. On Wednesday Morning I cut 6 times. I actually have a lot on the brain and would love to tell you why i cut and why I am so stressed (there is more to it than relay) but I have a lot to say no time to type it because I have to go do more relay stuff but I will come back to this I promise!

Part 2 coming soon... probably sometime after Relay for life... when I have time to breath.