restoration

Restoration; renewal. reestablishment. revival. a reconstruction or reproduction. a return of something to a former, original, normal, or unimpaired condition. the act of restoring something or someone to a satisfactory state. the state of being restored to its former good condition. a returning to a normal or healthy condition

In one way or another dont we all hope for some sort of restoration? Maybe something has happened that has flipped your world upside down. Your life has been changed forever because of that one incident. Maybe a divorce, the loss of a loved one, loss of your job, serious injury or fatal illness, or maybe you just made a dumb decision. It could be anything. All you know is your life used to be so much easier, or better. You're wishing things could go back to the way they were but that's about all you can do is wish. You have tried to bring restoration. You have tried to "fix" your life but when you step back and are honest with yourself, when you face reality the reality is that nothing you have done or could ever do will bring true restoration to your life. Life as you knew it is forever changed and as far as our human eyes can see restoration is not possible, not by our own doing.

I have been there. I'm not telling you this because I have observed it in other peoples lives, I'm telling you this because I have observed it in my own life. Threw a series of events, deaths, relationships that fell apart, betrayal of close friends and family members, I became a concrete wall. No one could get in and my feelings could not get out. That was stupid decision number 1 and number 2 was not letting people in / not letting my feelings out. Stupid decision number 3 came a few years down the road when I decided I could fix the problem on my own, when I decided I could successfully reconstruct my own life and return it to its former condition. Even after realizing that my method of restoration wasn't working I continued with it. I proceeded to do the very thing I knew was not working, the thing that I knew would never work, the thing that I knew was causing more harm than good. This is not something I learned years ago, it is not something I learned months ago, weeks ago. It clicked two days ago. This is something that I still have a hard time with I'm not cured of thinking that I have the power, the strength to restore my life. It is a currant struggle for me but I wanted to share what I have learned thus far.

I was told to read Psalm 23. I had read it may times, it's a well known Psalm. I decided to read it and I got to verse 3 where it says "he restores my soul." and i realized that I might not be able to restore my soul but Jesus can. It says it right there in Psalm 23:3 he restores my soul. HE restores my soul. Jesus restores my soul.

He refreshes my soul Psalm 23:3 (TNIV)
He gives me new strength Psalm 23:3 (NIRV)
He renews my strength Psalm 23:3 (NLT)
He makes me strong again Psalm 23:3 (NLV)

Jesus does a lot of stuff. He is sitting there waiting for us to come to him so that he can restore us, make us whole again. Why do we have such a hard time letting him? Why do I have such a hard time letting him?

something bad happened

So I'm not doing good at all. I think something bad happened to one of my friends but I will never really know for sure but I'm almost positive he did it. I dont know what to do i just feel so helpless right now. Please keep me in your prayers and also my firend and his family just pray for peace.

Got in trouble in class today. It was amazing. Mr. Greenwald is hilarious and impossible to take seriously even when he is yelling at you.

Okay so just finished watching Mean Girls. I LOVE that movie not exactly sure why, but I do. I'm not sure exactly what time I woke up this AM I think it was like 3 something. I didn't even get to bed last night till like 1:40ish because I just could not fall asleep. So yea I am getting like no sleep. Its REAL cool... not. You know the feeling of like when you're tired but you can sleep no matter how long you lay in your bed with your eyes closed? Yea that feeling sucks. I think I'm guna try a new sleeping pill soon. I feel like I'm nocturnal lol. I have gotten like a lot done in the almost 2 hours that I have been awake. I even did laundry. I am guna be drinkin some kindu energy drink today monster or amp or something. You know I'm supposed to be on like a diet, eating stuff that is GOOD for you and I really don't think that I should be drinkin those things lol. But I need to stay awake somehow. I proly should not have had that MASIVE banana split on Sunday either not good. Whatever. I'm hungry like really hungry. My tummy is growling but I don't feel like getting up. So I guess I will have to wait until later to eat. Okay well I think I'm done here so I'm guna go watch Dirty Dancing. Later person who is reading this... for some odd reason.


PS. Hi Trisha! :D

So I've been thinking, I want to know why I cut. I want to know every last reason, even the reasons I haven't admitted to. I want to know ALL of them. I know I have mentioned a few reasons, like I cut to feel numb, I cut to know I'm alive, I cut to forget about the emotional pain. I am sick of giving lame answers. Answers like I cut because I was mad. I cut because I was sad, or I cut because stressed. Those reasons just aren't good enough for me, they really aren't reasons at all. Other people get mad, sad, and stressed and they don't cut. I want real reasons, reasons that make sense. I'm tired of hiding them for myself. Hiding the real reasons I cut isn't going to make things better. I think that for real, true healing to take place I need to face reality, and the reality is there are many reasons that I cut and I need to deal with them all. So I think that to start I need to figure out all he reasons I cut, so every time i figure out one of the reasons I cut I will be posting it here on my blog. Why? 1. So that I have it recorded somewhere 2. Because I think it will help people to understand and see why I cut. I don't want people who read this to just see a girl who cuts I want people to know its deeper than that there is more to the cutting, its really not about the cutting its about the reasons be hind it. Weather you know me or not I want you to know why I cut. I want you to know that most cutters don't just cut to cut, there are reasons for it and until you dig and figure out why things will never get better. So Here is the the first few reasons I cut.

I cut to...
feel numb
know I'm alive
find relief
forget about emotional pain and hurt
grieve (in place of crying)

Sick Cycle Carousel

The story of my life. I have a select few songs that I could call the story of my life but at the moment I can relate most to this song. It is called Sick Cycle Carousel by Lifehouse.
I feel like my life just keeps going around and around. Its a cycle, I do good for a while, I don't cut, a month goes by and I cave in and I cut, then I do good for another month and cave in shortly after that month ends. That's just how it goes. Its a sick cycle carousel. You can tell when I cut, you can see the shame in my face in my eyes in the way I carry myself, I become shame. No matter how hard I try to beat this I fail. I fail over and over again. It feels like it will never end. I will always be going through these motions I'm stuck on this carousel, it wont stop, I cant get off, I'm stuck. I have been so down, so low, and I have tried to climb the steps. I have tried to get out of this low point in my life but no matter how hard I try, no matter how high I climb, I never make it to the top. I always lose my balance and I fall. I fall all the way back down to the ground hitting my head on every step. By the time I reach the bottom I'm in so much pain I don't even bother to try again.

If shame had a face I think it
would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
Well here we go now one more time

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get it down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried to beat this

So when will this end it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good

I never thought I'd end up here
Never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kinda thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more time

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I tried yo beat this

So when will this end it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this...

Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle, yeah

So when will this end it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good

So when will this end it goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good

Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel...

inefficient

Do you ever do something stupid one night then wake up and the reality of what you did hits?
Wow, reality has hit me this morning.
It hit and it hit hard.
Like a frying pan to the back of the head,
A can of soup dropped on your toe,
Someones fist to your gut.
Its a guilt wrenching pain.
I am to the paint where I feel sick.
What in the world was I thinking?
The pain I am in is beyond description.
I have been defeated once again.
I'm so inefficient.
I cant do this on my own.
So why do I keep trying?

The blood flows down her arm
The relief is bitter sweet.
But she quickly realizes what she has done
And that familiar feeling of regret washes over her
She looks under the bed and reaches for the shoebox
The one she had hope she would never have to pull out again
Her home made first aid kit.
Everything she needs to nurse her self-inflicted wound is in that box
As she watches the blood run down her arm
She feels that overwhelming feeling
That feeling of disappointment, of failure
The feeling is strong and the tears begin to flow
Her chest gets tighter as she starts to shake
Her breath becomes short
The fear of failure has become the only thing she can feel
I have already done it once, what’s a few more going to do? She asks herself.
So she picks up the blade again and begins dragging it across her arm
Over and over again
And the blood drains from her body.
That feeling of failure and regret quickly flees
Her arm is burning the pain is overwhelming
So overwhelming she can’t feel anything
She is numb
Numb at last, she can’t think can’t feel, she is in a daze
Life has come to a screeching halt
Nothing matters now
What’s done is done and you can’t undo it
And the blood trickles down her arm
This is what she wanted
To feel no pain
To escape from the world
To forget the regret
Still numb but aware of what is going on she reaches for the box
She begins wiping the blood from her arm
And begins the steps to caring for her wounds
She gently rubs Neosporin over the wounds to prevent infection.
Band aids won’t cover the cuts completely they are too big
Not to mention there are far too many cuts to use band aids
So she pulls out the gauze and begins to wrap her arm
From her elbow to her wrist she wraps
Then she goes back from her wrist to her elbow
And finally back up to her wrist
Hoping that’s enough to keep it from bleeding through
She pulls out the tape and tapes her arm to hold the gauze in place.
Searching frantically for her sweater so she can hide her bandaged arm
She realizes her shirt is covered in blood
She quickly changes her shirt
Nice and clean no blood
She grabs her sweater and darts out of her room
She putts on her happy face
And goes to Church as if nothing happened.
That night she lays down in her bed and watches TV
The blood stained shirt in the corner of her room catches her eye
She roles her sleeve up and looks at her arm.
Did I really do it again she asks herself
Hoping this is all just a dream she slowly begins unwrapping her arm.
As she removes the tape she begins to see the blood stained gauze
Whale removing the gauze she begins to feel that something is causing her skin to stick to it
She continues to unwrap her arm
As the skin on her arm becomes visible so do the fresh wounds.
I did it, I really did it she says to herself as the tears begin to run down her cheeks.
How many are there? How many times did I cut? She asks herself.
So she slowly begins to count.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5
5! She exclaims as the anger rushes over her.
How could I do this to myself again?
5 times? 5 times!
She begins to scold herself.
You idiot, you stupid idiot!
They are right, they are all right about you.
You are a screw up. You’re a fucked up little girl just like they said.
You are worthless she tells herself
As she cries herself to sleep and hopes she never wakes up.



You might see her scars but you have no idea of her pain.
You only see half of the story, there is more to her than than her scars.
If you would just take the time to talk to her you would know that.

So a friend of mine wrote this and I loved it.
I can relate to it so I posted it.

My Secret Vault
I want you to know me, to know all my fears,
To know all my pain that's been building for years.
But to tell you the truth that has never been told
Is to scary to think of. I can't be that bold.
I've held it all in. It's still building and building.
My head is a wreck. My thoughts are unyielding.
If I tell you my secret that only I know
It could end in such sadness...such sorrow and woe.
I want you to care, but what if you don't?
I'm dieing to tell you, but I probably won't.
As I look back now, it was probably my fault.
So I'll keep my secret locked up in my vault.
-Angela

I'm hungry and lunch is an hour away :(.

Also this class is lame and no one is here there is only like me and 3 other people.

Ok so just finished lunch and I was sitting in my car and realized that I haven’t done any devos like at all this week. I’m still on day 16 and I think we are supposed to be on like day 20 something or maybe even 30 something. I’m like really behind... not good. But if anyone asks I’m right where I’m supposed to be :D. I am guna try to catch up but I have been reading this book so I might start my devos back up once I finish the book.

Okay so I just figured out that today is day 26 of no SI and for some reason I thought it was day 25. 26 days thats like almost a month. Thats a long time but its nothing compaird to forever ugh.

I almost broke down and gave in last night. I kept flicking the lighter on and off and waving my hand thru the flame. Sometimes I would light it and put the flame under my arm or leg just to see how long I could stand the pain. I tried everything last night and nothing worked, red pen, band aids, scratching, pinching, biting, holding ice in my hand, and heat, nothing. But nothing caused permanent damage so it doesn’t count as SI right? It wasn’t really that serious and I have to give the lighter to Tonya tonight so it’s not like I will have it much longer. Things just keep getting worse. I thought quitting was supposed to make things better, I was supposed to feel better but noooo I feel like crap and things are not getting better. 26 days later Sarah still feels like crap. I think things will get better eventually but I don’t think they will get better anytime soon. They say things get worse before they get better I would just like to know how much worse they are guna get. I’m not sure how long this is guna go on for but I can’t wait till its done and I can get some sleep.

So my arm is red and covered in band aids. Not red from cutting its red pen. I was told that it helps to mark with red pen or place band aids in the arias you wish to cut when you feel the urge. Well that's not working out for me. My arm is red and covered in band aids and I still feel like I need to cut. I have been squeezing ice in my right hand since about 9:00 and it hurts but not enough. I need to hurt but I don’t want to just give up like that. I have come so far and to cut after all this would mean I worked so hard for nothing. I don’t know what to do. I would just go to bed but I can’t do that because I haven’t been able to sleep for the past week. So I'm super tired but can’t sleep. I could fall right to sleep just one cut and I would be fine I would not shake or have any trouble breathing and I would be able to sleep (well) for the first time in a week. But like I said if I give in now then the past 24 days were pointless and meant nothing.

ugh this sucks big time

22 days of no SI

Ok so I have been doing good 22 days and today is almost over so it is soon to be 23 days of no SI. But I'm struggling, I'm really, really struggling, this is so hard. It has been a long time since I have been clean for 22 days and I forgot exactly how hard it was. It was hard enough to go 5 or 6 days but 22 holly cow. This whole no SI thing is kicking my butt. I haven't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep a night since Wednesday, I keep having anxiety attacks, I just don't feel good. This is just so hard and I don't know when it will stop if it ever does. Am I going to live the rest of my life having anxiety attacks on a regular basis because I need to cut? How long does this feeling last? Well I ever be able to fall a sleep and once I fall a sleep will I be able to stay a sleep for longer than a few hours? Will this ever end? Will things ever go back to normal or am I always going to feel the need to cut? I have so many questions that no one can answer. I just don't know what is going on. I want to quit but its so hard, I wish I never started but i did and now I am stuck in this mess, this ongoing struggle, this tug-of-war. One minute I am doing ok staying strong and the next thing I know I cant breath and I am telling my self one cut one cut and that's it, then I'm sitting there talking myself out of it. I really don't think I cut when bad things happen or when I'm sad or stressed so much anymore. I have been working through my issues and things are getting a lot better. I just feel the need to cut, nothing has happened to trigger it I just need to do it. It's strange I know, I cant figure it out either all I know is that it sucks. And this whole depression thing is getting old. One minute I will be happy and the next minute I dont want to get out of bed, or I just want to cry or something. I cant figure it out and it's very frustrating. Those of you who know me know that I like to be in control and I have no control over the depression thing. I can act like I'm not depressed sometimes but I am still depressed, I cant control it, it sucks and I cant figure out why I feel depressed and I don't know when it's going to happen. It's like; surprise you feel depressed... it's gay. So yea I'm having a rough time and I really hope that I can continue to stay strong and not give in to temptation no matter how crappy I feel.

Please keep me in your prayers.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength Philippians 4:13

stressing out

Okay so I am on my NEW laptop (thank you Aunt Ellen!). Just thought I would let you know :D

So I'm feeling a little stressed out. Growing up can be stressful for those of you who didn't know. I am feeling rushed to get my GED so that I can got to college in the fall. No GED = no college. I have no money, what 17 year old does? I have no clue how I'm going to pay for school. I cant take out loans because I wont be able to pay them off once I get out of school. Missionaries don't make enough money to do that. It's kind of scary knowing that you are going to go into the mission field. It requires a lot of faith and trust in the Lord. I mean I have NO idea where I'm going to be a missionary to, and I know for a fact that money will not be something I have a lot of. It is just like walking around in the dark, I don't know where I'm going, when I'm going, how I'm getting there, the language I will be speaking, or how long I'm going to be there. I'm just walking around in the dark listening for Gods voice to guide me to where I need to be. Things are just very unclear right now making life a tad bit difficult.

I'm doin good!

EVERYONE!

Today is day 20 of no SI! I haven’t cut or burnt for 20 days! WOOP WOOP!

God is awesome and He is the reason I have made it this far. Without Him I don’t think I would be doing so well. Sure it’s hard sometimes but just because it’s hard that does not mean that He is not there with me every step of the way. I can feel Him there with me encouraging me and helping me every time I begin to fall. I know that as long as I keep focused on Him I will be ok.

Bring The Rain

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
Be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
Praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I love this song! Its called Bring The Rain by mercyme. You should check it out.

Did my devos

Ok so I haven’t been doing my devos as often as I probably should be. I did like really good the first week and then I just kindu slacked off. I’m really good at slacking off lol. So I just spent my lunch period catching up on my devos. I think I caught up on like 5 days so I’m now only a few days behind so that’s good.

But yea so I just finished my devos and I feel kindu refreshed. I am still kindu feeling depressed but not as depressed (it’s a good thing). I have also decided that I think like the first like 4 or 5 verses of John chapter 1 are like my favorite verses ever in my life. I really need to get back into Gods word on a more regular basis... like on a daily basis. I don’t know if it will “cure” my depression but maybe you never know. God does some cool stuff and it wouldn’t hurt to find out. But yea devos are good and I was really disappointed when I had to stop reading John 1 and go back to lame math class so hopefully the rest of my day goes by quickly so I can go home and finish the chapter or maybe just get completely caught back up on my devos... who knows.

Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong

When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me

Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability

I want to be remembered as the girl who smiles

even though her heart is broken

and the one who could always brighten up your day

even if she couldent brighten her own.

Just a thought

"Not all scars show, not all wounds heal, sometimes you can’t always see the pain someone feels."

I saw this quote on a website about cutting but I really liked the last part "sometimes you can’t always see the pain someone feels" It's true, we don’t know what’s going on in other peoples lives. I don’t know why that guy cut me off yesterday on my way home from school. I don’t know why some lady was honking at me to go before I even had time to get my foot off the brake. I don’t know why the lady at the checkout counter is being so rude. We just don’t know. Maybe the lady at the checkout counter just got some bad news but is unable to leave work, maybe the guy who cut me off is in a hurry to get to the hospital because his wife is there, and maybe the lady honking at me two seconds after the light had turned green is in a hurry to get home because her kid called and something happened. You never know what’s going on in peoples lives, why they are acting the way they are acting. And you know what, maybe all those people are acting that way because they are just strait up impatient jerks who think you’re slowing them down. But just because someone is rude to us does not mean it’s a free pass to be rude right back.

I am really good at being rude sometimes. I once had someone honk at me to go as I was turning into my neighborhood and I didn’t like that they were being so impatient so I decided to teach them a lesson by going 10mph under the speed limit till I got to my street. There was a line of cars behind me and I could see that the car that honked at me was pissed and that made me pretty happy. Boy did I teach that jerk a lesson. I taught him to be patient, to wait a few min before you go crazy and start honking your horn. HA! Yea I'm sure that’s what I taught him. You know what I probably taught him? I probably taught him that Christians are jerks just like the rest of the world. I probably taught him that it doesn’t matter if they have a Z88.3 bumper sticker on the back of there car or one that says body piercing saved my life with a nail going into the hand of Christ. Yep thats probably what I taught him, Christians are no different than anyone else.

Just because someone is rude to us it is not a free pass to be rude back, it's an opportunity to be Christ. We don’t know the reason behind the attitude so lets quit assuming everyone who cuts us off is a jerk and every rude person at the checkout is not a people person. Maybe they are having a bad day so lets not be the ones who make it worse by being rude back. Not all scars are visible and we cant always see the pain the others are going dealing with.

I really want to cut right now. I haven’t cut for 17 almost 18 days and now I’m feeling the need to cut. I keep thinking – just one little cut, just one – but I know that as soon as I make that one little cut I will not be able to stop. I will continue to cut over and over again. The cuts will get deeper and deeper and I will just keep going because I won’t care anymore. One cut could turn into 20 in a matter of minutes or seconds even.

I have been able to control myself pretty well these past few days, I have been able to fight the urge, the desire to cut. But I know that as the days continue to go by the desire to cut will continue to get stronger and harder to fight. I know this because I have tried to stop cutting before. I have gone 47 days without cutting then turned around and gave in, I cut 11 times taking me from day 47 and putting me back at day one.

I have gone back to day one, back to start many times. It’s an overwhelming feeling of failure and I hate it. But the feeling I get in the midst of cutting is an overwhelming feeling of relief. I want to feel that relief but I dread the feeling of failure. How can I feel the relief without the feeling of failure afterwards?

I’m going to go do some devotions now. Maybe I will feel better after I spend some time in Gods word.

Oh man, I really don't like math class!
It makes my head hurt "/

You see my pain and hurt
These scars they say it all
Still you stair and whisper
You talk teach time I fall

Have you no compassion
No uplifting words to share
Is this all you can do
As you sit there and stair

The hatful words they whisper
Some say them to may face
They are not words of love
They show no compassion, no grace

Yet we call ourselves Christians
Followers of Christ
But the things we say and do
Do not reflect His life