Ok so I have a counseling apt today. I cant decide if I'm excited about it or not. I know its a good thing... i think... I know i need to be there so it must be a good thing that I'm going. I kindu am not pumped about it because its a chick counselor and I wanted to go to a dude. I have been to 2 counselors both girls and i just didn't like them much. In my experience (which isn't much I know but I do have some) girls are not as strait up as i would like them to be. I just want them to tell me what they think don't be like well maybe and get all soft or whatever just tell me you tard. I figure a guy is more likely to just be like hey this is whats wrong with the way you're trying to do things and this is what you should do to fix it and you're doing this wrong and just tell me flat out. But this counselor is a girl. She is like the only person we could find who specializes in SI. But yea hopefully it goes well. We will see. I'm hungry and its time to get ready for school... YUCK.

BUT ...

I do get out of my 3hour math class like and hour early so that's cool!

Oh man, Mr. Greenwald is making us watch a movie about animals or something, its kindu lame. Oh well, at least its not math. It's about wild life and I just watched a camel spit on some guys head and that is nasty.

ugh

I'm stuck in class and I really don't feel like doing math right now. I could leave but I would like to pass the GED so I guess I will just stay here and do nothing... well I will do math but yea whatever. Got to go to do some stuff math now... blek!

PS. I'm hungry. I would really like to eat something other than a frosty today but my stupid tooth still hurts so i guess i will be eating a frosty for lunch... AGAIN.

Can you tell I'm board? cuz I'm just rambling about nothingness. There is absolutely no point to any of this except to give me something to do besides math. Sorry if you are wasting your time reading this. I'm sure you have better things to do. You should probably just stop reading now because I still don't have anything important to say except math is dumb and I'm hungry.

Oh no he is writing problems on the board that means we all have to do group work and i don't like group work because you cant pretend to be working when your doing group work you actually have to pay attention. So I guess I'm guna go before he decides to ask me what the answer is to one of the problems. Cuz I wont know the answer cuz I am sitting at the computer typing a pointless blog.

Only 3 and 1/2 more hours till i get out of class. Hope you have more fun in the next 3 and 1/2 hours than I will be having.

But the giants calling out

my name an he laughs at me

Reminding me of all the times

I've tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me

time and time again

"Boy you'll never win,

you'll never win"


But the voice of truth tells me a different story

the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"

and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth


But the ston was just the right size

to put the giant on the ground

and the waves they don' seem so high

from on top of them looking down

I will soar with the wings of eagles

when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus

singing over me


But the voice of truth tells me a different story

The voice of truth says do not be afraid

And the voice of truth says this is for my glory

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth





I was listening to this song on on the way home from taking my mom to work and I was like wow. I have been hearing the giants voice a lot lately. He loves to remind me every day about how I have failed, how I have messed up. I wake up and say day 5 and he says you wont last much longer. Remember last time? What did you do the last time you said day 5 you failed and you have the scars to prove it. It can be very hard when you are constantly being reminded about your failures. But there are two voices. I can listen to one or the other, its my decision. See there is Satan and then there is God, there is the master of lies and the voice of truth. I can listen to whoever I want. I choose to listen to the voice of truth. God really can use anything for his glory. In my weakness He is strong. His strength shows through my weakness and He will be glorified. All I have to do is listen and obey His voice, the voice of truth.

2 Corinthians 12:9,10 Therefor I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christs sake i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Perfect Christian

I used to think that being a Christian meant you had to be perfect. No problems, no issues, no pain, you had to have everything together. When I would walk into that building on a Sunday morning or a Wednesday night I had to put my Church face on and be perfect. Now let me tell you something, I have decided that is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever believed or thought... well one of the stupidest things I have ever believed or thought. No one is perfect. All those people sitting in the pews, yea got news for you, none of them have it all together not even one of them. Even if they wont admit it every one has problems, pain, issues, everyone. Though some of us may hide it very well we are not perfect and we do not have it all together. I have decided that putting on a Church face is stupid, that is exactly what it is its just a face, a mask, it is being someone you are not, it is a lie. We have all heard the saying "Christians aren't perfect just forgiven." You can say that all you want but until we as Christians believe it and live it well then it will only continue to be a saying. Something to get you out of a jam when you do mess up. If we would live exposed, share our pain our hurt, if we would talk about the issues and the problems then there would be no reason to play the part of a perfect christian. There is no such thing. To be honest with you I am scared to walk into that building. I am scared to sit in that pew. I have grownup in that church, with a majority of those people. And along with most of them I would put on my church face every time i walked through those doors. Until recently, when the pain could no longer be hidden. Over time I have realised that I don't want to hide it. I don't want to be that person. I have been spending so much time trying to figure out who I am. I feel like I have lost myself in all of this. I continually see myself as a failure and a cutter but a good friend recently pointed out to me that I am so much more then this cutter that I see myself as. and that's when I realised that I don't have to be thins person. I don't have to be the perfect christian, the girl that cuts, all the things that i was in the past all the things that I see myself as now, that is not who I want to be, that is not who I am. When people see me I want them to see that I am human and I make mistakes like everyone else. I want to be someone people feel safe talking to. I want them to see that I am real, that what you see is what you get. I want people to see that I am a week human being but a strong christian. That is what I want. I want people to know that I am a sinner. There is a verse in 1 John chapter 1 that says "If we claim we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar and His word has no place in out lives." If I try to get back into this whole perfect christian act I'm just making God look like a liar and well making God look like a liar... that's not ok. It is ok to be weak. 2 Corinthians chapter 12 says " But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." There for I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me." So guess what guys I am weak but God is strong and through Him I can do ALL things.

I Need You To Love Me

I Need You To Love Me - Barlowgirl

Why? Why are you still here with me?

Didn’t you see what I’ve done?

In my shame I want to run,

And hide myself.

Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,

I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,

And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.

And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,

Somehow deserve what I already have

I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time

Pushing you away from me.

I just never saw how you

Could cherish me.

Cause you’re a God who has all things,

And still you want me.

And I need you to love me,

And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.

And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,

Somehow deserve what I already have

Yeah, ye-ea-eah

Your love makes me forget what I have been.

Your love makes me see who I really am.

Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.

And I need you to love me, yeah

I need you to love me, ye-ea-eah!

And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,

Somehow deserve what I already have

Somehow deserve what I already have

I need you to love me, yeahI need you to…

oh oh oh oh eo

oh oh oh oh eo

oh oh oh oh eo

oh oh oh oh eo

Love me, love me, yah

This song is one of my favorites. It is so awesome how God does this. He knows whats going on in your head so then you go to Church and hear a lesson on how everything you are thinking is a lie from Satan and then your youth minister plays a song that is exactly what you need to hear. Now every time I feel like I'm not good enough this song pops into my head and I'm immediately reminded that he wants me. Even though I messed up, he is still here with me, and he loves me. I don't have to pretend to be perfect because He loves me even with all my flaws. I will never be good enough for Him so pretending is pointless, I just need to be real. When I am week He is strong.

So, I realized something. It's amazing how the music I listen to can affect the mood I'm in. I have been listening to Linkin Park alot lately, now i still love Linkin Park don't get me wrong. They have some really good lyrics but alot of them are really depressing. They can be really negative sometimes. Listening to songs like Bleed It Out or Nobody's Listening, I mean those don't sound too encouraging to me. Singing lyrics like:

"Try to give you warning
But everyone ingnores me
(Told you everything loud and clear)
But nobody's listening
Call to you so clearly
But you don't want to hear me
(Told you everything loud and clear)
But nobody's listening"
or
"Find a new place to hang this noose
String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so i won't get loose
Truth is you can stop and stare
Bled myself out and no one cares
Dug the trench out laid down there
With a shovel up out of reach some where
Yeah, someone pour it in
Make it a dirt dance floor again"

I mean HELLO, how false is that? No wonder I feel so sad and angry, I'm singing songs about people not listening to me, not only am I singing these lyrics but there are times when I believe them and that's a problem. It's a lie, it's a lie that Satan would love for me to believe. I start listening to these songs when I'm feeling alone or depressed but really they don't build me up and make me feel better, I just feel worse. People do listen to me, and even though I don't always feel loved I know there are people who love me and do care about me other wise they wouldn't have a problem with what I'm doing. So I started listening to Aaron Pelsue and you know what I don't feel so depressed. My mood goes from sad to happy as soon as I start to sing along. I love it. My attitude goes from bad to good, it's awesome! I have never felt so happy, so loved. Weather you believe it or not the music you listen to affects you so don't put crap in your head.

So it is 6:00 in the morning and I have def been up since like 5:30... can you say EW! Had to take my mom to work so that I can take the car to school. PS. It's like super cold outside and I almost died. I was so cold I was shaking and let me tell you it can be very difficult to drive when your ENTIRE body is shaking. So yesterday my teacher decided to be a bird and flap his "wings" and run around the class room. I was like oh hey there's a Big Ol Bird in my class. But really like that's not ok, you don't just do that. He also decided to be a chicken and he wanted us to get up and act like chickens with him BUT we definitely did not do that. I wonder what he's guna do today... should be interesting, it always is. I am so bored but I can’t go to bed cuz if I fall a sleep I will not be getting up,making me absent from school and you only get 5 absence till you get dropped and in my personal opinion that is RIDICULOUS. I will be paying a visit to the local starbucks to purchase a warm caffeinated beverage. This should help with 2 problems I will be having during my BORING first period class. Problem number one: I will be having a hard time staying awake do to the lack of sleep I received last night. The caffeine in my warm beverage should help with that. Problem number 2: I will be cold. The warmth of my caffeinated beverage should help with that, at least until I drink it all.

This blog really has no point, I just needed something to do so that I didn't fall asleep. It is now time for me to go get ready for class... "/. Have a marvelous day, hopefully better than my will be <3

When the oceans rise

And thunders roar

I will soar with you

Above the storm

Father you are king

Over the flood

And I will be still

Know you are God

had a moment that I just wanted to shair with you

Ok so I just finished taking the Christmas lights off of my house. Now as I am standing on the roof rolling the lights up so that I can pack them nicely into there box to be used next year I see something black floating in the air very close to me. It was at that moment when I realized it was a spider hanging from the lights that I was rolling up. I then began jumping around on the roof screaming "there is a spider on me!" and my younger brother Caleb who is also helping me take the lights down begins to laugh at me. I take a moment to look around and see if the spider is gone and I realize it is not. So I then start to scream "it is still on me!". I throw the lights away from me and start jumping again and begin brushing my self off hoping to brush the spider off of me. I then run to the other side of the roof away from the lights. I begin to calm down and look around for any sign of that stupid spider. By the way Caleb is still laughing at me. So I see no signs of the spider and begin walking back to pick up the lights when I feel something crawling on my arm. I spaz out AGAIN and begin running in circles on the roof. Like I'm running around the whole roof spazing and jumping and screaming "there is a spider on me! GET IT OFF!". Caleb is busting up laughing at me now. I look up and across the street I see my neighbor standing in his driveway watching me spaz out on my roof and running around in circles. Oh and Caleb is still laughing at me. You know what? All I have to say is... what if that spider was poisonous?

I felt like an idiot so I just thought I would tell you.

So tell me You'll be there
Tell me You're the cure
And tell me You'll be waiting
When my face is on the floor
So when it rains
And when it floods
When my face is in the mud
Will You be there
Tell me You'll be there

2008 Is Here

Finally! I'm so glad 2007 is over. It was probably one of the worst years of my life. So 08 is finally here and im ready to have a good time. I might not be able to change what happened in 2007, I can't change what I did or the decisions I made but I can be sure to make better decisions this year, hopefully making this year a little better than last. Now unfortunately we are only a few days into the new year and I ALREADY broke my new years resolution. I actually broke it on like Jan 2nd or something like that... oops? But that's ok I can't change what I did just got to get back up dust myself off and try not to mess up again. Just because i messed up does not mean its the end of the world and if it did then the world would have ended a long time ago. Just because its a new year doesn't mean that all my problems from last year will go away (but I was kindu hoping they would) I am just guna try to deal with them in a better, more healthier way. So yea... we will see how that goes.