I really want to cut right now. I haven’t cut for 17 almost 18 days and now I’m feeling the need to cut. I keep thinking – just one little cut, just one – but I know that as soon as I make that one little cut I will not be able to stop. I will continue to cut over and over again. The cuts will get deeper and deeper and I will just keep going because I won’t care anymore. One cut could turn into 20 in a matter of minutes or seconds even.

I have been able to control myself pretty well these past few days, I have been able to fight the urge, the desire to cut. But I know that as the days continue to go by the desire to cut will continue to get stronger and harder to fight. I know this because I have tried to stop cutting before. I have gone 47 days without cutting then turned around and gave in, I cut 11 times taking me from day 47 and putting me back at day one.

I have gone back to day one, back to start many times. It’s an overwhelming feeling of failure and I hate it. But the feeling I get in the midst of cutting is an overwhelming feeling of relief. I want to feel that relief but I dread the feeling of failure. How can I feel the relief without the feeling of failure afterwards?

I’m going to go do some devotions now. Maybe I will feel better after I spend some time in Gods word.