Do you mean it?

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandon in awe of the one who gave it all I'll stand my sole lord to you surrendered all I am is yours."

So in church this morning we were singing this song. I love to sing, I love to worship. My God is worth worshipping. But I have this problem, I don't like singing words and not being able to follow through with the words I am singing. When I sing a song of praise and worship I am singing it to God. Through song I am telling him that I am going to do this or thanking him for doing that, the words are to him. They are not just words they have meaning, you're not just singing along you are praising God, the words you are singing are to and for him. I don't like singing the song if its something I don't feel I can follow through with. I want to be able to sing and tell God that I'll stand with my heart abandon and my sole surrendered but to be honest I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. It's hard to surrender. I would love to be able to say that ALL I am belongs to Jesus Christ but I know that if I were to sing those words I would be lying. The truth is that all I am is split. Part of me belongs to him but the rest of me belongs to me. I know that there are parts of me and parts of my life that I am still holding on to. There are things that I just cant seem to let go of. Oh I want to let them go. I want to surrender, I want all of me to belong to him, but it is so hard. It is hard to deny my flesh. How can I sing words that I don't mean? How can I tell my God, my father that every part of me belongs to him when it doesnt? How can I tell him that I will stand with arms high and heart abandon, with my sole surrendered to him but not go through with it? Maybe one day I will sing those words and mean them but today I just couldn't do it. It brakes my heart to know that he died so that I might live and have eternal life and I cant even tell him that all I am is his. I hope that one day I will get to that point, to the point where all of me is his, to a point where I can abandon my heart and surrender my sole. Maybe one day I will have the strength to do so but that day was not today. I don't know how long it will take for me to get to that point but I will get there. One day I will sing that song and mean from the bottom of my heart every last word. I wont just be singing it I will be living it. One day.