Been there...

Counseling

Been there

done that

doesn't work

“I’ve tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn’t even matter.”
- In The End by Linkin Park.

Defeated, that’s how I’m feeling. I have tried so hard, I haven’t cut in 36 days but it doesn’t matter because I’m still miserable. Yes, I have come a long way. It used to be all I could do not to cut for 8 days. I am on day 36 now but that’s nothing compared to the rest of my life. I have been working so hard; I have been trying to fix or handover my problems, the reasons why I have been cutting. Some of them have been fixed and some of them I have been able to handover but what is the point if I‘m still miserable? It does not matter if I haven’t cut for 36 days 8 day 100 days I’m still going to be miserable, I’m still going to be sad. Don’t ask me why, it’s been that way for a long time. I was upset before I started cutting and I’m still upset now that I have stopped. So it does not matter that is been 36 days because it has been a miserable 36 days. Who wants to be miserable, sad, depressed all the time? Not me. So what good is it to stop cutting if I am miserable?

So I was talking in the blog before this about the Rob Bell thing I went to. I said I heard a story about a kid who attempted to commit suicide and the reaction from the crowd really just ticked me off. So I'm guna tell you the story cuz I want to know what you think.

See there was this kid and he was in the hospital because he attempted to commit suicide. Rob went to visit him and talk with him. He asked the kid what happened so the kid told him.

His friends parents were out of town. They had a hot tub. He went over got a toaster and plugged it in next to the hot tub. To help speed the process up he cut his arm and he started drinking. Pause, I just want to point out how much pain this kid must have been in to want to end his life at 17. He thought it would be easier to end his life then continue to live it. Ok back to the story. So he is sitting on the edge of the hot tub with his feat in the watter and a toaster plugged in next to him, bleeding and wasted. His intentions were to loose some blood and push the toaster into the watter ending his life. Because he lost a massive amount of blood he instead passed out and fell on the toaster burning his arm and sending himself to the hospital. Ok just think about it for a min. He cut himself so deeply that he lost enough blood to pass out. Again think of how much pain this kid was in to be willing to do that to himself.

So like I said I heard this story at the Rob Bell thing and I told you the reaction from the crowd ticked me off. Well you want to know what they did? They laughed. They thought it was funny. I don't know about you but I always laugh when I hear a story about a kid who attempts to kill himself... not. I don't think suicide is funny. I don't think people should laugh about the way people commit suicide. I don't think it is funny when people have pain so deep that they don't know wheat else to do except end there life. It just really upsets me that people can laugh about that, that people can hear a story about a 17 year old kid who tried to kill himself and laugh. Maybe its because I know what its like to feel like you have to cause your body physical pain to feel better. But i really didn't think people would laugh about it. Maybe I don't know some of the people I was with as well as I thought. I guess self harm is just one big joke to some people. It's a shame some people get there laughs from someones pain. I did learn that I need to be more careful who I talk to about my cutting because I might end up being the one they laugh at next.

So last night I was like super pumped. Why? Two words, Rob Bell. He was at the Hard Rock Live here in O-Town and I was going to see him. Well I got there and I was not expecting to hear him speak about what he spoke about. About half way into it I got very uncomfortable. He talked about 3 people he met who cut. He also told a story about a kid who tried to commit suicide, the reaction the crowd gave to that story upset me even more (but that's another blog). He also talked about a friend he had who just wanted to kill himself and he would just stare at his wrist. So my excitement turned into when is this thing over. Luckily I had some rubber bands on my wrist so I just started snapping them. It worked for a while till one of the people in my group told me to stop but the thing was almost over so that was good. I don't know just cant decide if I liked it or not. Like he made some good points. I was fine when he was not talking about knives or cutting or suicide. If he would have left all that out I would have loved it hands down.

This is not easy anymore. Its getting a little difficult. The first few days it was a little hard but by day 5 it was not so bad. I made up my mind that I was not going to cut and that I could quit. When I felt like cutting I just read a book or something. its not that easy now. I cant just read a book. I cant stop shaking. My hands are shaking like crazy right now. I keep getting dizzy spells and I start to feel light headed. This is not the first time I have experience this. It has happened before. I have tried to quit cutting before and a few days into it I would start shaking or getting light headed. But it has been like 30 days. I quit cutting 30 days ago and now 30 days into it I start feeling like this. What the heck?!?! I have been doing so good. Why now why does this have to happen now. I don't want to give in. I don't want to screw it up. I don't want to have to start over. But its hard. I cant stop shaking. It wont go away. What am I supposed to do? How do I make it go away? This SUCKS!

Pain

"I have never felt

Any physical pain

Stronger than

The emotional pain

That I live with"

Be still

What is God doing when I am in a bind? What is He doing when I am calling His name but get no response? Is He answering other peoples calls first? Is my problem not important enough so He moved me to the back of the line? Did He not here me the first few times? Do I need to shout louder? What is He doing when it feels like my world is about to crash in around me? Where is He when the storm hits, when the waves are getting bigger, the lightning is getting closer, the thunder is getting louder, and my boat is taking on water? What is He doing? What am I supposed to do till He get here?

So I have been asking myself this question a lot laity. I have asked this question many times before to a few different people. I have gotten a few different answers. All of them were good answers but none were really good enough, they just were not satisfying. I wanted more no I needed more.

I know You don’t always answer right away but come on Jesus, my boat is taking on water and I can’t swim, not in this mess.

The winds and the seas obey Him right? So why isn’t He saying anything? It’s only two words “be still” that’s it, that’s all He has to say and the winds and the seas will obey Him. The storm will stop.

I have been thinking what if He already said it? What if He has already said those exact words “be still”? He just did not say it to the storm. He is not telling my storm to be still He is telling me to be still. Maybe if I would just chill out I would be able to see what He is doing. If I would just be still I would see the life preserver that He threw to me. I would see Jesus waiting for me to jump to it so He can pull me out of there. I have been waiting for Him to step in and make everything stop but He is just waiting for me to jump in, to trust Him to take care of it all. Maybe I should just be still for a while an see what happens.

“Be still and know that I am God;”
Psalm 46:10
“Be still before the Lord, all mankind,”
Zechariah 2:13

It's not a joke!

You know what I can’t stand? I can’t stand when people make jokes about SI. SI is real there are people in this world that struggle with SI. It’s not a joke, it’s serious. I don’t think its funny when people walk around and make jokes like “I wish my grass was emo so it would cut it self” or talk about people who cut like they are crazy or less of a person just because they struggle with SI. It is just not okay to make comments like oh my gosh I got a C, I’m gun go cut myself or make some kind of sawing motion on your arm just to get a laugh. I don’t think it is something people need to be laughing about. Usually people who cut try to keep it to themselves, so you don’t know if you’re joking about cutting around people who cut. You make the situation worse when you joke about SI and someone who struggles with it hears you. Just because you don’t think your friends struggle with SI doesn’t mean that they don’t. Just because you don’t struggle with SI that does not mean that your friends or family or people around you don’t struggle with SI. Just because I’m not wearing all black and walking around with my head down does not mean I don’t struggle with SI. Just because other people dress in all black and walk around with there head down does not mean that they do struggle with SI. And just because you don’t struggle with SI and I do does not make you any better than me. SI is not something to joke about. I’m sick of hearing people talk about it like its nothing; people cut weather you don’t think anyone you know cuts or not it happens. It is more common than you think, and it’s not as funny as you think. So think before you speak.

alright

I'm alright

Trouble may find me

But it's not going to keep me down

Because I'll hold on tight

To the father who loves me

He cares for me

So I'm going to be alright

My day

So today I was driving to church (I'm in the car alone) and I am stopped at a red light (I'm in the front of the line). Some creepy looking guy walks across the street and he stares at me and smiles at me like the entire time he is crossing the street. It was the scariest thing of my life! Then after church I went to get pizza from papa johns and I got lost. But only because they moved it to a different location and they did not even bother to tell me. Also I had to get gas and did not know how to get gas so yea I definitely felt special. And then after small groups tonight I had to go get my sister from the Pergrems house so I followed Tonya because I did not know how to get there. Then I had to go back to church to get my mom and brothers but I forgot how to get there so I got lost and then eventually found my way back to church. Oh and the radio in my moms van is possessed because as I'm driving back to the church it just like suddenly decided to turn the volume up on the radio by itself! I was not even touching the volume thing and it freaked me out I was like um okay possessed car!

Think before you speak... please.

You know who you are.

You are obviously so much better than me. Look at me I am a cutter, apparently that means I'm crazy and don't belong here. I am not a Christian, how could I be? Cutting is sin. A sinner calling them self a Christian? How is that possible? Now I know I'm not a christian anymore, because I started cutting and all, but I remember something in the bible about ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. I don't know you might want to check the New Testament, I'm pretty sure its in the book of Romans, Romans 3:23 but I'm not positive. You know this whole cutting thing and not being a christian anymore might have messed with my memory too. Again I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure that Jesus died on the cross for all man kind (even the cutters) and we are all His children and He loves all of us. But you're the christian so I will let you look that up. Shoot you must be a saint, I guess that bible is wrong, all have not sinned, because if you sinned then you wouldn't be a christian anymore either.

So in case you have not been able to tell I'm being sarcastic. You have sinned and in Gods eyes a sin is a sin, cutting, lying, killing, lust, its all the same to God. And you know what? I really don't think that you have the authority to tell me I'm not a christian, last time I checked that was Gods call and you are definitely not God. So I really don't care if you say I'm not a christian because what you say doesn't matter. You have sinned, you are no better then me or any other person who walks the earth now, has walked the earth in the past, and who will walk this earth in the future. If you need to look at me and my flaws just to feel better about you and your flaws then that's fine with me. But don't ever speak to me about it again because I really don't want to hear what you have to say if it is just going to be some negative comment about how I messed up. Lets not state the obvious here.

Love is the movement?

Rescue is Possible.
Stop the Bleeding
Love is the Movement

When I first herd that, I did not understand why Love was the movement. What made them decide to make love the movement? Why was Love the focus?

Rescue is possible
Stop the bleeding
Love is the movement

The first two made sense to me. Rescue is possible; people need to know that rescue is possible. I didn’t think rescue was possible, I did not think I would be able to quit cutting.
Stop the bleeding; we need to stop the bleeding, we need to get the word out that cutting does more harm than good. You can’t continue to cut forever, the bleeding has to stop.
But the love part I just didn’t get. Why love? Why is Love the movement? Why did they choose to stick that part in there? Well I get it now. I have had so many people who have told me I am stupid, who have told me I am crazy, I have even had people tell me that I am not a Christian, all because I cut. If I did not have people in my life who encouraged me, who LOVED me, who told me that I could stop cutting, people who encouraged me to get help, people I could talk to and know that they would not look at me differently or love me any less. If those people were not there I would be in bad shape. If all I had were people telling me I was stupid and God would never forgive me, if all I had were people tearing me down then I would not be where I am right now. That is why love is the movement. Love is HUGE. We human beings need to know we are loved. That is how we were designed, we need to know we are loved. I would rather hear I love you and I don't want you hurting yourself anymore verses your stupid and I cant believe your doing this I never want to speak to you again. I mean who would you listen to the person who loves you or the person who thinks your stupid and never wants to talk to you again? Love it the movement.

So, for the past oh I don’t know, 3 months I have been cutting. Yep I'm a cutter. Life got to be too much to handle (in my opinion) so I took matters into my own hands. I always take things into my own hands. You see that right there is the problem. I take matters into my own hands and when I can't carry anymore "stuff" life becomes "too much". But here is the part I was missing; I was not made to carry all the pain that life can bring, because I can't handle it. I am not strong enough. I started cutting because life became too much for me to handle on my own. I had to find a way to escape the pain. The pain I could not control, the pain that never went away, the pain that was not caused by an injury to the flesh but by an injury to the heart. You can't see an injured heart like you can see someones injured hand, or leg. People with injured hearts don't limp around or take pain medication to ease the pain. There is no medication for an injured heart, well no medication that can be bought at CVS or Walgreen’s. That was the problem there was nothing I could do for my pain no medicine I could take no bandage I could put on. So I had to find something, I had to find a pain that I could control, I needed a way to forget about the emotional pain. So I decided I would try cutting out, I decided to see if it would do the trick. Well let me tell you the first cut hurt a lot more then I expected. That cut made me forget about the emotional pain I was in because I was now in physical pain. Not to mention the distractions that came from the cut. I had to stop the bleeding, I had to find a way to hid my scars, I planed a story just in case someone saw my scars. My mind was on other things. But as soon as the bleeding stopped and the scar was covered I remembered, I remembered why I cut in the first place so I had to cut again to forget. It was an ongoing cycle. I cut to forget about the emotional pain but as soon as the physical pain went away the scar that was left reminded me of my emotional pain so I cut again. Cutting did not make any of my pain go away, my pain was only masked by more pain. That does not sound like a very good plan to me. It actually sounds kindu stupid. As time went by and I cut a few more times it got to the point that 1 cut was not enough anymore. I had to cut twice or maybe 3 times, I had to find a way to cause myself more pain because one cut was not enough to make me forget anymore. Now I don’t know about you but to me it does not sound like cutting is helping. To me it sounds like things are getting worse. I took things into my own hands and now I am a cutter with scars, I have scars on my arm, my side, my stomach, and my leg, not to mention the emotional pain that I still have to deal with because cutting did not make it go away. See I can't handle it. I am not strong enough.
BUT...
I do know someone who can handle it, someone who is strong enough. He is someone who loves me so much that He sent His only son here; to this sinful disgusting place that I call home, to die on a cross for me for us. His son was beaten and bruised so that I did not have to be, his son took that beating for me, so that I did not have to have scars on my arm or my stomach or anywhere. His son took the sins of the world, all the pain, the heartache, and He placed it on His shoulders. He is strong enough. He is so much bigger than this world, then the pain in this world, He is much bigger than me. He can carry my pain for me no problem all I have to do is give it to Him. I have to surrender my control. He said "Come to me, ALL you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matt 11:28). You see I fall under that category of all (and so do you). He wants me to come to Him, with all my baggage all my pain and He wants me to surrender it to Him ALL of it and He will take care of it. Now that sounds like a good plan. No cuts no scars just healing, just me and God working together to get through life. He never promised me that life would be easy but He did promise to help me get through it. The pain wont stop here, just because I haven’t cut for 21 days just because I have given him my pain just because I am trusting Him to take control does not mean it will be easy from here on out. I have to let him have control forever and when the storms hit and its raining and thundering and the lighting is getting closer I have to look to Him and know that He will not let anything that WE can not handle come our way. And with God I can handle all things because it is Him who gives me the strength. I can’t handle things on my own and I can't take matters into my own hands but with God I can do all things.

I got a...

FISH! I finally got my fish. He is a blue Betta and his name is Ocean. Now there is a story behind this fish. You see one day I was watching Zoe and Mackenzie. I mentioned that I wanted a fish and Zoe heard me. She began to tell me what color fish I should get and what I should name him. I was told to get a blue fish and name him Ocean. Now so you know Zoe is about 6. You should also know that this happened maybe a month or two ago. Just about every time I have seen her she asks me "Hey Sarah, did you get Ocean yet?" I was beginning to realise that she was not going to stop asking me if I got my fish till I actually got my blue fish and named him Ocean. So today I decided I was going to get my fish. I got to the store and realised that I forgot what color I was supposed to get. I had to call Zoe and ask her what color fish I was supposed to get and what I was supposed to name him. After she told me the color and the name she then informed me that she would be coming over to see the fish so I said okay. Now I have a blue fish named Ocean. I got him a plant and green rocks to go in the bottom of his bowl. Now I just have to decide where to put him.

Remember...

Some days life just sucks
But all days God is in control

So, I'm feeling a little...

Sad

Lost

Mad

Hurt

Tired

Alone

Stuck

Angry

Bored

Pissed

Stressed

Trapped

Confused

Frustrated

Depressed