So my year has come full circle. A year ago today Alicia was killed, some punk kid thought it was okay to bust into her house and take two lives and then take his own. I will probably never understand why she had to die the way she did. We live in a sick world, and I can't wait to go home. This place is full of pain, and hurt and I'm over it. Please keep the Areseneault family in your prayers today as well as the Levitt family as to day will be a difficult day for them. And please keep the Frechou Family in your prayers, though what he did was wrong his life was also lost and his family needs our prayers.

Stress Part 2

I think a majority of my stress came about on Tuesday which was the night of the survival dinner. I had to be there instead of getting things together for my relay team leaving me very few days to get things done and ready for relay on Friday. Then I got home and a few minutes later I got a phone call that unfortunately I have gotten before, not only have I gotten that phone call before but I have made that phone call before. I think that is why it stressed me out so much. The last time I remember being out driving around looking for a loved one was when my brother ran away during a really difficult and unstable time in his life and I didn't know if i was guna find him dead or alive. I dint know if i was looking for a body lying in a ditch or a kid walking down the street so I prepared myself for the worst. That phone call I got brought back a lot of memories that i had pushed under the table in hopes that they would go away... I should no by now that things don't just "go away". So I spent the next hour, hour and a half at the most looking for a loved family member and best friend. My heart brakes for him. I have been where he is, our situations are not exactly the same but similar. Right now he doesn't think that things will get better, he just wants to run to leave it behind him, to be the though kid he is and deal with it, to ignore the problems and go on with life. That was me. I ran, I sucked it up, I ignored it, I put a smile on and pretended life was grate. I didn't think that things would get any better and things still aren't grate, I have my issues, but they are better than they were, things are getting better. I just wish he could see that running doesn't do anything. I wish he could see my scars and understand that running gets you nowhere. Running doesn't make anything better, the problems don't go away because you ignore them. When you run and ignore pain, hurt, and the bad things that happen in life it still doesn't get any better. In fact it gets worse. It hurts more, it tears you apart inside and you don't know how to deal with it. So you turn to other things, the things that the world says will make you feel better. The world told me that cutting, and self injury would make me feel better but it didn't. I have been self injuring since August, my pain hasn't gone away, my problems haven't gone away, they are still there and on top of that I now struggle with an addiction. SI started out as something I did to feel better and it has escalated to something my body craves. My problems are growing not going away. I wish he could see and understand that running and turning to the world doesn't get you anywhere. I pray that he comes to understand and see that the only thing that can bring healing to his life, that can truly make him happy is Jesus Christ. I know its hard, obviously I didn't turn to Jesus when life got tough and look at me now, not turning to Christ cost me. I could have avoided a lot of pain and damage if i would have just looked to Jesus. And sometimes I still don't look to God I turn to the blade leaving "marks of madness" all over my body. I have carved words into myself that can never be erased, I am constantly reminded of my pain. Cutting didn't bring healing, drinking wont bring healing, drugs wont bring healing, sex will not bring healing, but God will we just have to ask. I just wish he could see and learn for my mistakes. But the best thing I can do is pray right?

Stress Part 1

So I'm stressed out. It's been a stressful week. Relay for Life is tomorrow well actually its today since it's 1:00am but I don't feel like getting to technical because its stressing me out. If I wanted to get technical I would be telling you that I have to be at the GMS track in about 9 hours. Wow ok I just really stressed myself out. So that's me being smart and I just made things worse... go me! I cant wait till Sunday... can we just skip tomorrow and Saturday because if we could do that that would be really awesome. But really to be honest this has probably been one of the most stressful weeks this year... I would say of my life because that like my favorite phrase but I told you I would be honest so there you have it. Relay isn't the only reason my week has been stressful but it has played a pretty big role in my stress. As most of you know by now Sarah + Stress = Not Good. On Wednesday Morning I cut 6 times. I actually have a lot on the brain and would love to tell you why i cut and why I am so stressed (there is more to it than relay) but I have a lot to say no time to type it because I have to go do more relay stuff but I will come back to this I promise!

Part 2 coming soon... probably sometime after Relay for life... when I have time to breath.

Do you mean it?

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandon in awe of the one who gave it all I'll stand my sole lord to you surrendered all I am is yours."

So in church this morning we were singing this song. I love to sing, I love to worship. My God is worth worshipping. But I have this problem, I don't like singing words and not being able to follow through with the words I am singing. When I sing a song of praise and worship I am singing it to God. Through song I am telling him that I am going to do this or thanking him for doing that, the words are to him. They are not just words they have meaning, you're not just singing along you are praising God, the words you are singing are to and for him. I don't like singing the song if its something I don't feel I can follow through with. I want to be able to sing and tell God that I'll stand with my heart abandon and my sole surrendered but to be honest I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. It's hard to surrender. I would love to be able to say that ALL I am belongs to Jesus Christ but I know that if I were to sing those words I would be lying. The truth is that all I am is split. Part of me belongs to him but the rest of me belongs to me. I know that there are parts of me and parts of my life that I am still holding on to. There are things that I just cant seem to let go of. Oh I want to let them go. I want to surrender, I want all of me to belong to him, but it is so hard. It is hard to deny my flesh. How can I sing words that I don't mean? How can I tell my God, my father that every part of me belongs to him when it doesnt? How can I tell him that I will stand with arms high and heart abandon, with my sole surrendered to him but not go through with it? Maybe one day I will sing those words and mean them but today I just couldn't do it. It brakes my heart to know that he died so that I might live and have eternal life and I cant even tell him that all I am is his. I hope that one day I will get to that point, to the point where all of me is his, to a point where I can abandon my heart and surrender my sole. Maybe one day I will have the strength to do so but that day was not today. I don't know how long it will take for me to get to that point but I will get there. One day I will sing that song and mean from the bottom of my heart every last word. I wont just be singing it I will be living it. One day.

Can I be honest? Can I be completely and total honest? I dont want to show up at church and have people looking at me differently. I dont want to walk in to the living room and have my parents all concerned. Not that it really matters what i right on here because my parents are already concerned and people at church do look at me differently. That's just what happens when you cut yourself. But any ways back to being honest. To be honest I'm not happy. I'm not a happy kid, or adult, or teenager... I dont know whatever I am I'm not a happy one. And to be honest I'm tired of pretending to be. But what can I do? I kindu have to put on that smile dont I? I mean what would people think if I was walkin around sad all the time? The only time I can show how I'm feeling is behind closed doors. Be hind my locked door is the one place I dont have to wear a mask. I guess that is why I spend so much time in my room.