By His wounds we are healed

So something occurred to me yesterday during our 11 o'clock service. I sang a song, a song I have heard many times, a song i have sung many times. I know this song well. But as I was singing it a light bulb went off. This song comes from Isaiah 53:5 witch says; "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed" By HIS wounds we are healed. Most of you know I have been trying to do this crazy thing that in the back of my mind I know I will never be able to do. I have been trying to heal myself. Yes that is exactly what I have been trying to do. In a way that's what cutters are trying to do they are trying to bring healing to there lives the problem is the "healing" is only temporary meaning it's not really healing at all. The bible doesn't say I will be healed by my own wounds, it doesn't say; If you are pierced for your transgressions, and crushed for your iniquities then that punishment will bring you peace and by your wounds you will be healed. NO it doesn't say that. BY HIS WOUNDS I AM HEALED. He payed the price I don't have to do anything except accept that he payed the price for my healing and take the required steps to experience that healing. I know that He is the healer and it is by his wounds that I am healed so why am I still trying to heal myself?

The Voice

Just one time.

You're not scared are you?

You big chicken.

You're already all scared up.

One more time wont hurt... you're worthless anyways.

Do it!

You're afraid, you know what fear is?

Fear is a sign of weakness.

You're not weak are you?

Do it!

You will feel better

Look at you, you're unlovable so why not just cut.

Just grab the knife.

One more scare isn't going to make a difference

Just do it!


I deal with this voice every day.
He knows exactly what to say.
He whispers in my ear
Down my spine he sends chills of fear.
He laughs in my face
Calls me a disgrace
Then he hands me a knife
And I listen

It's not a suicide attempt

Cutting is not an attempt at ending my life, it is an attempt to preserve it. I don't cut because I wish to die, I cut because without the relief that cutting brings living seems impossible. When I cut I can feel the pain, the stress, and the frustration, leaving my body and for that moment I am free from it all. But when the cuts begin to heal, scabs begin to develop, the wounds close up, my feelings become trapped once again with no way of escape. The moment of freedom has passed and I am trapped inside myself. Inside I am crying, desperately searching for a way out and the only way I know how to do that is to cut. It's not an attempt to end my life it is an attempt to make it a little easier. Cutting for me is more like a survival strategy. I um usually pretty careful about where I cut and when I do cut I take care of the cuts to prevent infection. It's not a careless act it's a well thought out attempt to make it through that day or moment. The problem with cutting is that the feeling of relief is temporary and cutting can also become addicting. It is not a permanent form of relief or freedom it's only temporary and it is never enough. Once you start you need more, you go from cutting once or twice to 10 times and then that's not enough so you cut 20 times and then you decide that they need to be deeper. Things can get bad and because self injury is only temporary there will never be a point of satisfaction you will ALWAYS need more. I don't suggest using self injury as a coping mechanism to anyone, it is dangerous and difficult to stop. If you have recently started cutting pleas stop, talk to someone about it, an adult you respect, someone you know will listen to you. Talk to someone you know will stand by you through your pain and help you to sort out your feelings. And stay away from the people who cast judgment because they don't understand, they only make things worse. Just know that there are better ways to deal with pain, hurt, stress, and frustration and self injury is not one of them.

Scream

"Scream"

By: ZoeGirl

Does anybody know how I feel?

Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome

Does anybody care what's going on?

Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm

For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?

Do I have to bleed for you to see me?

'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me

Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?

Where was my defense? No one heard my protest

The eyes of God were watching me

It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released

So I can breathe again

I'm on my knees

I've been marked, set apart

But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark

One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand

Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream for Him to hear me

Don't have to bleed for Him to see me

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream

I don't have to bleed

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening

And I don't have to scream

12:20ish in the AM

Okay so why am I still up at 12:20am? Cuz I can't sleep. I forgot to take my sleeping pill tonight. So I have been watching videos on you-tube because there really isn't much to do at 12am. I was watching videos on SI. So I learned that I probably shouldn't watch videos on SI especially if the video starts out saying "WARNING this video contains graphic images and may be triggering." But I found some pretty good and educational videos. I also found videos of the occasional attention seeking looser making fun of cutters and self injurers. I just have to say that these people are very lucky I will probably never meet them in person because I would probably have to smack them... in Christian love of course:D. So as I am watching these videos on SI some of them had some good songs to go along with the slide show. I learned that ZoeGirl has a song called Scream, and it's about cutting. I also heard a song by Kelly Clarkson called addicted. I have heard this song but it never really had any meaning for me until I was listening to it with SI on the brain. Ugh I'm tired and hungry.... I'm guna attempt to go to bed, we will see how that goes.