The Urge

I was recently asked what the urge to cut feels like. I have never really thought about what the urge feels like but I am going to do my best at answering this question.

The urge to cut is unpleasant. I think it’s different for everyone but for me it starts out as a simple voice telling me to do it. It’s a calm voice just simply suggesting I should cut. But if I say no thanks the voice gets louder and louder until I cant focus on anything else. My skin begins crawling and my body begs for something sharp anything to pierce the skin and bring release. I feel like I HAVE to do it or I cant go on. My chest gets tight like there is an elephant sitting on it and I cant breath. I start to panic and begin shaking. Sometimes I cant sit still and I constantly have to move, pacing back and forth across my room. It's just an awful feeling, like you have no control. You are screaming inside. Every part of you is longing to feel that blade drag across your arm and you have to dig deep down and find that part of you, that small part of you that knows it will never work. Then you have to fight the urge.

Quotes

"I'm an average girl, and sometimes I wish I could be more than that... to exceed excellence. As the days seem to go on endlessly, I wait for the someday I've been promised. That someday when things are supposed to be perfect... the someday when I find my place in this unforgiving world."

"I think we are all grateful of the man who invented razors, where would we be without the blades? We would be no one, at least with the blade we are someone. We are what we carve into ourself."

"Sometimes I sit and watch the ink leak from my pen. It comforts me to know something else bleeds the way I do."

"I have a tendency to hurt my self physically when i'm really hurting emotionally"

"Did it surprise you that I am not who you thought I was? Did it surprise you to find that I don’t exactly stand for what you thought I stood for all along? Did it surprise you to find that I'm not exactly how I played myself out to be? That the person you thought I was is actually nothing to what I am. Doesn't it amaze you how the most carefree people who can wear the biggest smile on their face, are the ones who are crying tears of ice alone in their bedroom to cover every part of their depression. Don't let this change anything. For now you know who I am once the darkness hits and I'm alone in my room. I can still be the person you and everyone else thought I was. For that is the person I have played to be for so many years."

"In a world full of Cheerios be a Fruit loop"

"She stood tall, all her insecurities shining for the whole world to see, and she smiled."

"Those who say only sunshine brings happiness have never danced in the rain"

"The truth is, I still haven't talked about it. The depression is the same no matter how many masks I wear. It suffocating, there's no escape. It's agony, and I know it's my life. At times it leaves, but it never fully goes away, not completely. Then there are times when I don't want to eat, I can't fully funtion. It's the most intense pain anyone could ever feel. The smile I wear is just a cover-up. It's bearing down on me. I tell myself there is no cure for this excruciating pain. Happiness is an ongoing battle, a state of mind, something I'll be fighting with for the rest of my life. So I continue to wear the mask of the person everyone wants me to be because they would not come close to fully understanding who I really am. "

Sarcasm

Can you say bad day? What about bad week? I love bad days. I really love when those bad days happen one after another and turn into a bad week, it's just so much fun.

So I have realized that I have just kindu shut down. Ever since I got back from Haiti I have shut down. I don't do anything, I don't go outside, I don't watch TV, I don't talk to my family, I don't blog, I don't like going out with people. I don't know what I'm feeling because I haven't taken the time to sort out my feelings, I have just shut down. I have been so emotionally drained. What I saw in Haiti was so disturbing and upsetting, it was just wrong, it was all wrong. People should not have to live like that. I don't care who you are, what you have done, what color your skin is, what your last name is, where you are born, I don't care. No person should have to live the way some of these people live. No child should have to go to bed hungry. No mother should have to choose which of her starving children get to eat that day, if any. It just should not be that way. People should not have to bathe in the same water they urinate in. Kids should not have to dig through piles of garbage to find an article of clothing. It should not work that way but it does and I'm just not sure how to handle it.