I Am Not...

I am not a statistic so don't lump me into one.
I am not a number so don't treat me like I am.
I am not contagious so stop acting like it.
I understand that you don't know what to do with me,
But dont turn this into something it's not.
Don't pin a number on my shirt and lock me in a room with "the rest of them".
Don't put me in a category.
I am a person.
I'm sorry you don't see this for what it really is.
It's not my fault you cant see beneath the scars.
When you want to understand let me know.
I'll be happy to educate you.
Other than that just leave me alone.

What's Your Story?

As a kid I would always hear these incredible stories. I would go to believe and hear stories from men who had fallen away from Christ and did "bad" things. As I got older the stories got more intense and more detailed. I heard stories of just crazy things and people who were never Christians in the first place or people who fell away. In the human eye it didn't look like they would ever come back. I heard stories of how God captured the hearts of His lost children and how they were now doing amazing things to further His kingdom. These people that would speak were now amazing Christians and I had a desire to have a faith like theirs. I used to think to myself how can I impact people for Christ without a story? How will I get their attention without walking up there and starting out with, "In high school I was a heavy drinker", "I was addicted to porn", "I'm a crack baby", "I was an atheist for 25 years", "I had never heard about Jesus until I flipped on the TV and some guy was talking about Him". I could go on but you get the picture. I just wasn't sure how God was going to use me without this awesome testimony. I was raised in the church. Parents are Christians and still together. Brothers and sister are all still alive and they are Christians as well. Never really fell away. Pretty involved in church. Sing in the youth band and elected student leader twice. The way I saw it my story sucked because I sounded like a goody goody. Little did I know being a "goody goody" was a HUGE part of my storey. This girl who was a leader in her youth group and had a decent life fell away and she fell fast. She started hanging out with the wrong friends and got involved in some things that she shouldn't have and at the same time kept her christian family thinking all was well. Her relationship with God died and the bible was shoved under the bed. Prayer life, what prayer life? That disappeared. She found her self looking for an escape so she turned to self injury and stopped eating. She was sick of not having control over anything in her life so she took control. She has now been battling self injury for a year and over time God has broken her stony heart. He has placed people in her life who have held her accountable and encouraged her. People who loved her and have shown her Christ love. God has began to capture her heart again and her broken life is being put back together. This girl grew up thinking she couldn't be used and now she has a story she cant wait to share. It is a story of pain, a story of brokenness, a story of running, a story of healing, a story of hope, a story of love, it is a story of an old life made new. She will never be the same. Her story is beautiful and she loves it.

Hurting Generation

Lately the Lord has really just laid on my heart this generation and even the next generation and the generations to come. The pain and the hurt that we have to deal with and the fact that we dont know how to deal with it. I think the thing that concerns me the most is how big self injury is and how people and adults just dont see it or chose not to I haven't quite figure out which it is yet. But it doesn't matter if they dont see it or dont want to see it because the reality is that it's there and it's real and it is happening in our schools and our churches in our neighborhoods in our families. Our generation is known as the fatherless generation. We dont have people we can turn to with our problems and our pain so some have turned to alcohol, drugs, sex, self injury and so many other things. The thing is that people don't see SI and even if they see it they know nothing abut it. And maybe you dont think that SI is a huge thing but I can tell you right now it is bigger than you think it is. It affects so many teens in this generation and if we don not get a clue and do something about it then things will only get worse in the generations to come. People need to wake up and realize that self injury is a big deal and it is something that they need to be aware of if they want to help the younger generation. People need to understand that self injury is not just cutting or burning but it is an addiction and you can not "just stop" as i have been told to do oh so many times. I think the thing that gets me the most is the church. I have never been so hurt or felt so alone in my life. The church needs to wake up and realize that people hurt and they deal with it in different ways. And when someone chooses to deal with pain in an unhealthy way (cutting, drinking, drugs ect...) that person needs love and support on rejection. That person needs to be embraced by the body of Christ not pushed away. That person needs to know that the church will help them in the healing process not tell them to "just stop". Just st oping is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard and it is not possible. It is not possible to just stop an addiction hence why AA and NA exist because people need help and support. Telling someone to "just stop" makes them question what is wrong with them when they learn that they cant just stop. People need love and support and that is something that that my generation is yearning for. So with or without your help I will get better and I will be that person who supports and loves when the church or your family or friends wont. I will be the body of Christ in action. I know there are people who get it and I am so grateful for those people, the people who have dedicated their lives to this generation and those to come. But we still have a long way to go and one day I hope we get there.

No clue what i'm feeling

I'm feeling something or maybe it's nothing. Maybe I'm not feeling anything. I don't really know what to feel. I cant decide on an emotion so I am just emotionless. I know I'm feeling a little hurt, and lost, betrayed, forgotten, helpless, ignored, belittled, inferior, alone, looked down upon, judged, sad, angry, and there is more but I think you get the point. I am feeling all of these things but I cant figure out what the over all emotion is, what I am feeling over all. I just feel numb. I want to brake down and cry but I cant, I want to talk to someone but I cant open up. How can I talk to someone when I don't even know whats wrong? I wouldn't know where to begin and there is so much on my mind that I don't think it would ever end.

Pretender

So this morning I realized something...I'm a pretender. I put on my happy face, use my happy voice, smile and pretend like I'm fine. And when people sincerely ask me how I'm doing I cant give them a sincere answer. I just tell them I'm fine and smile. I think I say I'm fine so much that I have begun to believe it. I'm not sure why I tell people I'm fine when I'm not, it doesn't really make sense hu? Yea, I didn't think so. I guess I just assume that people don't really want to know how I am they just ask me that to be polite. I make a lot of assumptions...I probably shouldn't do that so much. I guess I need to work on being more honest, I need to be real and stop pretending because pretending to be honest isn't doing me any good.

nothingness

Oh man i haven't blogged in a while. Been kindu busy lately well not really just work other than that I haven't done much except sleep. I feel like work is taking over my life...it's not ok. I'm going to church at discovery this morning. The service is at 12:30 so I got to sleep...it was good. I forgot my blow dryer so I my hair is still wet from my shower and I need to leave at like 11:45ish...so yea not ok. No wait its not just wet its wet and curly...I need it to dry so i can straiten it. Also I cut myself shaving it's just like a little nick but it hurts :(. I cant fig out how to work the TV here either...can you say not cool?? ok well I'm guna go stand by the fan and see if it will help m hair dry if my hair dont dry i aint going to church and i want to do but i aint goin looking homeless so lets hope this fan can dry my hair fast enough that i still have time to straiten it and peace out for church.

1 Corinthians 3:16-17
Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple.

Lets Go Lakers!!!

Sorry Everyone

Sorry everyone who has been trying to comment my blog. I have gotten a few e-mails saying that people cant comment. I dont know whats up I think my blog has a mind of its own...the problem should be fixed now.

Sarah

I Need To Talk

I need to talk, I need to talk so much more than I do right now. I need to be honest with people. I just want someone to know the truth. I want them to know what has happened in my life and dont want to have to continue to hid it. So much pain is beginning to surface. God is cleaning house. He is bring back thoughts and memories that I have tried so hard to shove to the back of my mind. Things that no one knows about, things that I have kept secret for years things that I convinced myself never happened. I need to talk but talking is just so hard, I don't know if I can.

I Hate Summer

I hate summer. I want to go swimming but I cant. I want to wear shorts but I cant. I want to wear tank tops but cant. I want to go to the beach but I cant. All the stuff that you get to do in the summer I cant do because of nasty looking scars. I hate summer.

Anxiety Kills

It really does, it sucks. I hate anxiety, I hate that I have to deal with it so much. I hate that my anxiety gets so bad that I feel sick. Today my stomach is turning and getting physically sick seems entirely possible thanks to my anxiety. Sitting still seems impossible, my hands wont stop shaking. Anxiety kills, its really no fun. Well I'm off to work but i would much rather be curled up in a ball in my bed. When will these meds start working? UGH.

So for the first time in a long time I didn't attend church on a Wednesday night. I was going to but it didn't work out. Was guana go to Discovery but when I got there it was empty so I just went home. I guess I could have gone to FCC but I didn't feel like walking in late. I hate being late to stuff. So I just went home and went to bed. Hopefully I dont make a habit out of not going to church...that would probably be a bad habit. Its not that I dont like going to church I'm just not to fond of the one I go to anymore. I dont feel welcome there or involved, and I cant really get involved because they dont want me involved so yea not fond. I do however enjoy going to discovery and I'm learning a lot there so that's good. I dont think that my mom really likes that I go there but I like it there and she cant tell me what church to go to forever. It's not like I haven't been doing my research and talking to leaders in the church finding out what they are about. Sure some stuff i dont agree with but it's not like FCC is perfect either. If it was I wouldn't be looking for a different church to attend.

How Calming A Storm Can Be

I love going for walks. I used to do it pretty often. It's soothing, relaxing, calming, I enjoy my walks. But last night I took a walk in the rain and it was beautiful. With the thunder booming and the lightning flashing all around me. It was big and it was loud....it was God. It helped me to realize that there is someone bigger than all of this out there and He is powerful. I carefully made my way out to the middle of a stream, sat down on a rock and watched the lightning flash and listened to the thunder roar. It was amazing. I looked up and let the rain wash over me and it was refreshing. I watched as the people around me ran to their cars or rushed into their homes but not me. They were probably trying to figure out what that crazy girl was doing sitting on a rock surrounded by water in the middle of a huge storm. I never thought a thunderstorm could be so soothing. I remember when I was little they scared me have to death. I hated them. Who'd have thought that a few years down the road I would look out my window on a sunny day and pray that God would send me a storm. Next time it rains don't rush inside or pull out the umbrella, go take a walk, listen to God, look at his power, and let him wash over you. You will be surprised at how calming a storm can be.

The Beast

Here it goes again, trapped in these endless agonizing hours. Unable to silence that within me that cries out for release. This nameless faceless anxiety that refuses to cease. And all the benadryl, long walks, and desperate pleading in the world could not tame this beast.

The painful reality is I know what will. I possess the knowledge of the remedy…something that works each and every time or so it seems. My skin crawls, every cell in my body, and every ounce of my being begs for the blade…the blood…the pain. That tiny sliver of mettle pressed against my skin, that is my remedy.

But I can not allow this beast to consume me…devouring me and swallowing my progress and steps forward. I know a light exists at the end of this dark cold tunnel even if fear chokes its glow for these few endless hours.

And so I wait in hungry expectation for the gift of sleep, or the brilliance of morning, satisfied with whichever comes first.

"With this knife I cut the ties and set the pain adrift."

Oh I wish I could cut the ties and set my pain adrift but I know it would noever work. I have tried it so many times before. Over 100 scars on my left arm and still my pain lingers. I am hanging by a tread today, a thin thread that could snap any moment. 33 days, I have been doing good for 33 days. I have been taking it day by day. Yesterday I was doing good, sunday I was doing ok, saturday I was doing good, friday good, but today, today not so much. Today I am hanging by a thread and it's going to snap, I can feel it. It wont take much just a little comment, a bit of bad news, or an ugly look. Its going to happen, my thread is going to snap and when it does 33 days will go down the drain. All my hard work, long agonizing moments sometimes days of denying my flesh will mean noting and I will be back at squair one. Oh what fun it will be.

Stressing

I can not handle this right now. I dont understand why this is happening. I'm trying to do the right thing and now they are all mad at me. I really dont like being told that I am hated. Do they understand what the word hate means? Hate is a very strong word and you cant just walk around saying you hate people just because they are dong something that upsets you. I am trying to help, i am doing this because this is whats best for her and in return I am being told that no one will ever trust me again and that they hate me. How can they all hate me this doesn't even concern them this is ridiculous. All I know is I cant handle this. I cant deal with it right now because it is stressing me out. And we all know by now that me being stressed is a bad thing. When I get stressed cutting becomes a huge temptation but I have come too far to cut now, I have come entirely too far and I cant let them and what they are sating get to me like this. I have not cut for 32 days and I am not about to throw that out the window. Hating me is not going to make me change my mind. This is what is going to happen, it has to happen because that is whys best and I would really appreciate it if they didn't use words that they dont know the meaning of. You can not hate me or anyone else and love God because we were all made in Gods image.

Ugh My Night Is Sucking

So basically my night is sucking. I hope she took it well that shes not freaking out. I hope it hasn't ruined her night. I hope she doesn't spend the next few days or hours with her stomach turning and he mind racing, thinking about all the things that could happen or everything they might say. I just hope she is okay, that she's not worried about what could or might happen. I hope she doesn't let it eat at her for days. I hope she knows that she cant control their reaction. Ugh I wish I could talk to her and just tell her that things will be okay. I hope she remembers that no matter what they say whether their reaction is good or bad God loves her no matter what. I hope she knows that there is nothing she can do to make God love her any less. I hope she knows and believes all the things that I didn't.

I'm Sorry

Knees are shaking, palms sweating, voice braking, heart pounding. I feel for her. I know the fear, the fear or rejection. If they love you they will stand by you everyone says but that is exactly why you are scared. You don't believe they love you. I know the feeling and I know the fear. I feel for you girl but it will all be ok I promise. Honestly I feel terrible right now. I know what is going to be going threw your head in a few hours. Your stomach will be turning and speaking will seem impossible but you can do it. I know its hard I was there, I had to do the exact same thing. I have sat in my living room with my parents and told them what you are going to tell yours. When I say I know I'm not saying it to make you feel better I'm saying it because I really know, I know from experience. I am so sorry, I wouldn't wish this feeling on any one. Part of me wishes that I didn't make you tell an adult because then this wouldn't be happening but I know that this is whats best. You have to tell them.

I'm sorry.

So today is one month of no SI.

WOOP WOOP!