I Am Not...

I am not a statistic so don't lump me into one.
I am not a number so don't treat me like I am.
I am not contagious so stop acting like it.
I understand that you don't know what to do with me,
But dont turn this into something it's not.
Don't pin a number on my shirt and lock me in a room with "the rest of them".
Don't put me in a category.
I am a person.
I'm sorry you don't see this for what it really is.
It's not my fault you cant see beneath the scars.
When you want to understand let me know.
I'll be happy to educate you.
Other than that just leave me alone.

What's Your Story?

As a kid I would always hear these incredible stories. I would go to believe and hear stories from men who had fallen away from Christ and did "bad" things. As I got older the stories got more intense and more detailed. I heard stories of just crazy things and people who were never Christians in the first place or people who fell away. In the human eye it didn't look like they would ever come back. I heard stories of how God captured the hearts of His lost children and how they were now doing amazing things to further His kingdom. These people that would speak were now amazing Christians and I had a desire to have a faith like theirs. I used to think to myself how can I impact people for Christ without a story? How will I get their attention without walking up there and starting out with, "In high school I was a heavy drinker", "I was addicted to porn", "I'm a crack baby", "I was an atheist for 25 years", "I had never heard about Jesus until I flipped on the TV and some guy was talking about Him". I could go on but you get the picture. I just wasn't sure how God was going to use me without this awesome testimony. I was raised in the church. Parents are Christians and still together. Brothers and sister are all still alive and they are Christians as well. Never really fell away. Pretty involved in church. Sing in the youth band and elected student leader twice. The way I saw it my story sucked because I sounded like a goody goody. Little did I know being a "goody goody" was a HUGE part of my storey. This girl who was a leader in her youth group and had a decent life fell away and she fell fast. She started hanging out with the wrong friends and got involved in some things that she shouldn't have and at the same time kept her christian family thinking all was well. Her relationship with God died and the bible was shoved under the bed. Prayer life, what prayer life? That disappeared. She found her self looking for an escape so she turned to self injury and stopped eating. She was sick of not having control over anything in her life so she took control. She has now been battling self injury for a year and over time God has broken her stony heart. He has placed people in her life who have held her accountable and encouraged her. People who loved her and have shown her Christ love. God has began to capture her heart again and her broken life is being put back together. This girl grew up thinking she couldn't be used and now she has a story she cant wait to share. It is a story of pain, a story of brokenness, a story of running, a story of healing, a story of hope, a story of love, it is a story of an old life made new. She will never be the same. Her story is beautiful and she loves it.

Hurting Generation

Lately the Lord has really just laid on my heart this generation and even the next generation and the generations to come. The pain and the hurt that we have to deal with and the fact that we dont know how to deal with it. I think the thing that concerns me the most is how big self injury is and how people and adults just dont see it or chose not to I haven't quite figure out which it is yet. But it doesn't matter if they dont see it or dont want to see it because the reality is that it's there and it's real and it is happening in our schools and our churches in our neighborhoods in our families. Our generation is known as the fatherless generation. We dont have people we can turn to with our problems and our pain so some have turned to alcohol, drugs, sex, self injury and so many other things. The thing is that people don't see SI and even if they see it they know nothing abut it. And maybe you dont think that SI is a huge thing but I can tell you right now it is bigger than you think it is. It affects so many teens in this generation and if we don not get a clue and do something about it then things will only get worse in the generations to come. People need to wake up and realize that self injury is a big deal and it is something that they need to be aware of if they want to help the younger generation. People need to understand that self injury is not just cutting or burning but it is an addiction and you can not "just stop" as i have been told to do oh so many times. I think the thing that gets me the most is the church. I have never been so hurt or felt so alone in my life. The church needs to wake up and realize that people hurt and they deal with it in different ways. And when someone chooses to deal with pain in an unhealthy way (cutting, drinking, drugs ect...) that person needs love and support on rejection. That person needs to be embraced by the body of Christ not pushed away. That person needs to know that the church will help them in the healing process not tell them to "just stop". Just st oping is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard and it is not possible. It is not possible to just stop an addiction hence why AA and NA exist because people need help and support. Telling someone to "just stop" makes them question what is wrong with them when they learn that they cant just stop. People need love and support and that is something that that my generation is yearning for. So with or without your help I will get better and I will be that person who supports and loves when the church or your family or friends wont. I will be the body of Christ in action. I know there are people who get it and I am so grateful for those people, the people who have dedicated their lives to this generation and those to come. But we still have a long way to go and one day I hope we get there.

No clue what i'm feeling

I'm feeling something or maybe it's nothing. Maybe I'm not feeling anything. I don't really know what to feel. I cant decide on an emotion so I am just emotionless. I know I'm feeling a little hurt, and lost, betrayed, forgotten, helpless, ignored, belittled, inferior, alone, looked down upon, judged, sad, angry, and there is more but I think you get the point. I am feeling all of these things but I cant figure out what the over all emotion is, what I am feeling over all. I just feel numb. I want to brake down and cry but I cant, I want to talk to someone but I cant open up. How can I talk to someone when I don't even know whats wrong? I wouldn't know where to begin and there is so much on my mind that I don't think it would ever end.

Pretender

So this morning I realized something...I'm a pretender. I put on my happy face, use my happy voice, smile and pretend like I'm fine. And when people sincerely ask me how I'm doing I cant give them a sincere answer. I just tell them I'm fine and smile. I think I say I'm fine so much that I have begun to believe it. I'm not sure why I tell people I'm fine when I'm not, it doesn't really make sense hu? Yea, I didn't think so. I guess I just assume that people don't really want to know how I am they just ask me that to be polite. I make a lot of assumptions...I probably shouldn't do that so much. I guess I need to work on being more honest, I need to be real and stop pretending because pretending to be honest isn't doing me any good.